Earn Your Keep

There comes a time when we all need to pull together.  Be it to unify and fight the oncoming throng of Zombies, salivating for what is encapsulated in our cranium or just for a real big spooning session for which you claim is just to keep warm.  Some of us are already friends, some prettier than others, but many new faces, strangers brought together focused on one important goal: Finding something cute to wear.

Sure, there is always one stickler who is always stressing "survival", but whats the point if you are wearing overalls?  If they are not becoming on farmers and pregnant women why would you be able to rock 'em out?  But I digress...

So this Self-Appointed-Leader-of-the-Pack(S.A.L.P.) who happens to know something or another about weaponry, survival tactics and general wilderness safety blah, blah, blah, will always try to discourage you from going into adorable little boutiques, in quaint little towns that you may be passing through to get "real supplies."  You are gonna need to get creative.  That S.A.L.P. doesn't see the value of a rhinestone studded, deep v-necked gown in a post-apocalyptic world!  CAN YOU BELIEVE IT!?!  With the fall of Vogue and Cosmo right before the outbreak, you were left to fend for yourself and define your own new-world trends.  Now what to wear, what to wear...

This isn't the first time this S.A.L.P has neglected your need for ongoing beauty.  You may recall a certain powerbar/ lotion incident where he refused to hold your purse, preventing you from getting some much needed skin moisturizer.  You can either tap into your inner sassy bitch, get loud and invite the horde directly to your hiding space or succumb to his stupid leadership and plot... I mean, plan on using your best assest.  Your brain. Blast!  No, I mean, beauty!

Thus far, you've followed the pack, carried your own purse and still feel underapprecciated.  Soon, they will try and use someone as bait to save the others and you need to show them why they can't use you.

S.A.L.P.: you there! In the heels! We need you to create a diversion so we can get everyone out safely.

You:  I can't.  You need me.  I made this Princess Leia style brassiere outta tin can lids... ouch!

S.A.L.P.: WHAT? Why? Are you bleeding? put a shirt on.

You:  Don't be jealous.  I can make one for everyone... except the fat chick.  She should be bait.  You need me!

Baffled and confused as the S.A.L.P. may be, you've done it!  You've established yourself as useful and so the industrial styled post-apocalyptic fashion era has begun!  Next on your to-do list is old motor oil eyeliner and poisonous-berry rouge and lipstick.  Genius!

Now, some may still not get it.  But only because you forget to mention the practical applications of your new bikini.  In a tough situation, against Zombies or Raiders, reach down and behold!  Ninja tin-can throwing stars!  Swiftly toss at an undead foe to hopefully slow him down and buy you more time to get your makeup bag.  Raiders want your lotion?  Zing! Watch them wince in pain then slow to a stop as they watch you uncover your bazooms.  Awestruck by  your sudden nudity and obvious beauty, they will never notice the S.A.L.P approach from behind, yelling at you to put a shirt on.  You have just saved the team!  The head shaking from the others is just them not knowing how to say thank you.

 

I'll say it for them.  Thank you!

 

You have saved the group and kick-started a fashion revolution.  Obviously, you are more than a pretty face.  You have a delicious brain, too.

Until next time... stay pretty and prepare.

Happy Hellidays!

Well the Holiday season is over now... seriously though - it's over. At this point the world is effectively over, the dead are walking, and those God forsaken inflatable Christmas decorations would probably give away your barricaded hiding place. These things being true... what's the point of even recognizing the holidays?

Nodding your head in agreement? Well then shut the hell up Grinch! This kind of thinking makes you no better then the brain munchers wondering your neighborhood. Holidays are meant as a time to celebrate something worth remembering. But most importantly, the holidays are a time to appreciate your family. This appreciation can manifest itself in gift giving, feasts, drunken arguments, and even a functional familial hatred. It doesn't matter what you have on these days but who you have it with.

What do you have? Well your life! Now-a-days that IS better than death, or the more likely un-death. You also have a pretty lady in the house that depends on you to survive and remind her she's pretty (she needs to hear it even if she hasn't showered or shaved regularly... I doubt you are still using Axe body spray and wearing F*ing neckties, so don't judge). It's also very possible that you have at least one little living monster that counts on you to be parents no matter what is walking around outside. And it is all of this that makes the holidays of some importance.

Pre-apocalyptic Religious Holidays:

Many are intertwined with religion so this can be a tricky subject. It is completely understandable to have a hard time with religion after what you have seen or done. Whatever your belief currently is, you cannot deny that the real big holidays have/had something to do with Jesus. These holidays, i.e. - Christmas, Easter, are still fundamental to the kids. Ignoring them completely would rob the kids of whatever childhood is left.

1) Christmas: Santa can still come to your house. He just can't carry as much because the zombies love a big target. And no more jingle bells... Santa's not retarded (as far as I know, it's probable diabetes doesn't directly affect your intelligence). Even if there are no kids, or if the kids aren't the naive type anymore, Christmas is one you shouldn't miss. A small present and a larger portion of Ramen can make anyone forget about the undead population for a little while.

2) Easter: The Easter Bunny isn't as lucky as Santa. Even when I was a kid I never really committed to the idea of the bunny with a fixation on eggs. An egg hunt is a good activity for the children. Although, unless you've got a good fence and the kids are GREAT at the "quiet game" I'd hold the hunt inside. And don't hide eggs, that's just wasteful. Substitute with something you have a lot of and won't matter if it's not found. Shell casings or rounded stones can make a good alternative to colorful eggs. Let's not forget the irony of celebrating resurrection after bashing in undead skulls. Focus on the notion of rebirth. Maybe the world won't be shit forever? It's a happy thought that you can think about with the family while drawing on the egg that bird pecked the shit out of you for stealing.

Pre-apocalyptic Non-religious Holidays:

These are a dime a dozen. With most you can take your pick. There are some that are more recognized and others that no one cared about before the world ended. Seriously, unless you're looking for a deal on a car or appliance, who gives a damn about President's Day or Columbus Day?

1) Thanksgiving: Turkeys are stupid, ugly, slow, and loud. I'm sure the zombies enjoyed wiping them off the face of the planet. However the holiday that tried for decades to eliminate all of the aforementioned avian species is still important. Think about it, you can't have Thanksgiving without "Thanks" and "Giving." It's hard to be thankful for anything right now and you sure as hell don't want to give what little you have. Yeah it's hard, but do you want your lady to give you a guilt trip for being such a selfish asshole? It all goes back to the idea of family and togetherness. Save up something nice in your food stores and enjoy a little more on this day. Spend some time with the people who are the ultimate reason you still fight to remain alive.

2) Memorial Day & 3) Independence Day: The core meaning of these two days has become a moot point. If you go out of your way to celebrate them you are probably stupid (not diabetic, just dumb). Before civilization ended these were celebrated with barbecues, fireworks, and outdoor activity. Doing this now would be a death wish. Didn't you get enough fireworks when the military tried to stop the zombies? And I promise that a barbecue would bring uninvited guests to the meal.

4) Halloween: Is now celebrated every single day. Dumbass.

5) Valentine's Day: Before evil rose from death and jacked your shit up, it was sitting in an office at the Hallmark headquarters creating a holiday that would despair the lonely and fiddle with self-esteems everywhere. Unfortunately, this day cannot be completely disregarded. As mentioned before there is a lady with you that has "needs." One of those needs is to be treated as a woman should be treated. I doubt you'll find roses, candy, or a babysitter but you need to do SOMETHING! Television has been gone for a while so any imagination or creativity should be returning back to the fuzzy voids it left in your brain. Write her a poem or some crap like that. If you're out gathering supplies and you see a corpse with some easily removable bling - then remove it (respectfully) and save it! Note: it would be smart to clean anything before giving it to her... she may not notice it but in the back of your mind you'll always know what it was on. There are two very important rules about post-apocalyptic Valentine's Day that applied before the end of days but are still very important. Rule #1 - This day is not worth dying over, so don't be stupid in gift gathering or delivery. Rule #2 - If success leads you to some you know.... <wink wink> ...then use as much caution as you did in the first rule. No, I'm not talking about catching something from your love day loving (if this is a concern I'm wondering where the hell you are holding up), I'm talking about babies. Trust me, dealing with a pregnant woman can be more frightening and challenging than the zombies. The wondrous making of babies will be fundamental for humanity to continue. But the cold shower of reality is that until you have made some long term safe arrangements, don't bring another soul into this soul-less world.

6) Birthdays: Birthdays are the single most important day to celebrate. Despite what Jehovah's Witnesses believe (they're probably all dead anyway), birthdays are the one day you absolutely should be celebrating. It gives everyone a day that is theirs. Also the world is currently ruled by death, so celebrating life is critical. Plus I heard it's what all the cool kids are doing.

Important to note with all Holidays:

1. Don't be stupid. If they don't get what they want for whatever holiday then they can suck it up and hope for the next one.
2. Shopping before was stressful but now there is an obvious new kind of stress. Deviating from your normal scavenging/gathering is not advisable. If it's not something you can acquire during the bounds of routine or safety you have already established, then they don't need it.
3. Just because the world is dead doesn't mean your morals should be. DO NOT steal from the living to provide for these holidays. Karma is a bitch that will have her way with you if you decide to mess with the living.
4. Extreme times call for extreme innovation. Try making up your own celebration worthy days. Days unique to your family or survival group that signify ANYTHING. Celebrate the day you found that crate of Powerbars and lotion (see previous posting). Celebrate the day you secured your perimeter. Celebrate the day you met another survivor. Seriously, use your imagination and innovate.

In summary, holidays give you a reason to celebrate. Celebrating is something the living do. Living is something you may have to be reminded that you are fortunate to be. These days also help establish a calender to pass the time. "Time is a fire in which we burn" is a quote that holds very true here. I won't tell you who said that because it was from a Star Trek movie and I'm a dork even at the end of the world.

So give your family something to look forward to! It will make them happy and they will leave you alone. See, you can be selfish WHILE being considerate!

Go bash some skulls and enjoy your Hellidays survivors... you've got to enjoy something.

Devoted/Undead