Tuesday, October 18, 2011

A.A.A. – Attrition Addicts Anonymous

Warfare is an ugly truth. It’s a truth that has been an integral part of human existence as long as there has been an existence to be had. When the first Neanderthal bopped his lady on the head with a club in order to engage in primitive foreplay – war was there. When the Church got all pissy and sent guys in bitchin’ armor across the land to spread the word of the Lord – war was there. When those patriots hopped aboard a docked ship and turned the Boston Harbor into a big cup of monarchy-defiant tea – war was there. When American’s united against a confusing and heat-tolerant enemy they were destined to never really understand – war was there. So when death lost its shit and couldn’t keep people in the ground – yeah, war was there.

Acceptable foreplay to this day.

It is all of this that makes me surprised we didn’t see it coming. After centuries of going at each other in ways that justify apes looking at us with judgmental monkey eyes, how could we not? Every day I thought to myself that zombies are exactly what this broken place needed. War shifted from a massive, nation-altering affair to a daily battle of Joe Schmo against Joe Fuckass. If something so horrible could be assimilated into daily life, then our kind was ripe for a smoten!

Modern Warefare.

If you are reading this and think, “God damn this guy is jaded! Maybe someone should alert the police to this potentially hostile man!” Then jokes on you! Because you’re probably being eaten or have the skin tone that only lividity can appreciate. Jaded is just another way to say ‘realistic’. It’s the jaded ones that understood the punch line behind a Zombie Apocalypse: the only way people could be reminded they are human beings was to have global devastation wrought by the chattering teeth of something inhuman. The moral of the story is, when the dead rose up to feast on the living – you bet your ass war was there!

The Zombie War isn’t actually all that different from other wars. Don’t believe me? Read a damn book! World War I consisted of men fighting tooth and nail for weeks on end to gain inches on the battle field. World War II was the first to feature the tactic of launching the biggest bombs you can find in copious levels in order to bring the enemy to their knees. Armies of the world developed a little thing called attrition. What’s that you say?
Attrition Warfare – a military strategy in which a belligerent side attempts to win a war be wearing down its enemy to the point of collapse through continuous losses in personnel and material. [1] (Citation 1 – wikipedia.org)
Wikipedia – a website used by high school students to not do real research and the probable cause of the Zombie Apocalypse. [2] (Citation 2 – unknown… probably the Bible or something)

The Fifth Horseman of the Apocalypse.

During the Vietnam War, American’s perfected the implementation of Attrition Warfare. Jungles and villages were blanketed with napalm in the hopes of neutralizing a handful of guerilla fighters. It was, and IS, a horrendous action that ultimately didn’t work. So this history lesson is showing you that Attrition Warfare was a terrible thing, right? No dumb ass! Look outside. See the zombies around you? Yeah, that’s what I thought. Now think back to the Vietnam War. Imagine being a Vietcong fighter in a tunnel under the jungle. You’re just doing your thing eating something with chopsticks then BAM! The forest is on fire and your rice is overcooked. See what I’m getting at here? Humanity has become the guerilla fighters and the undead are the ones tooling around in shiny, fire-breathing airplanes.

Deadly distraction.

History has taught us that Attrition Warfare may be terrible, but it sorta works. Sure the Vietnam War didn’t really pan out that great. And sure the hammering given to Iraq during the first Gulf War still allowed for another Gulf War. But those were against a foe that looked at the side with the big guns and were able to extend a middle finger in appreciation. Now our foe is everywhere. They are relentless. And they are HUNGRY. Most of all, they are dumb as shit. Let’s give them the finger back and wiggle it in a teasing fashion above their snapping mouths.

It’s time to fight mass extinction with some family friendly displays of over-the-top violence. We need a little attrition in this war more than ever.  They have endless numbers and we have… day dreams. So embrace the jaded, inner-workplace hazard you were before Z-Day came and use it. This is the golden opportunity to become an addict of excessive brutality.

"Hi my name is _____ and I have an addiction... want to fight about it?"

There’s no shame in going out there and embellishing your anger at the end of a blade or the cone of a bullet. Don’t be stupid though. If you go too far, by the time you realize you’ve reached the level of needing a support group… there is no coming back. I don’t mean this like, “you’re a lost cause like Lindsey Lohan in a pharmacy”. What I mean is that if you need to confess you’re an attrition addict to a group of other addicts then you’re likely in a situation of imminent death. They won’t talk about this in the history books because addicts won’t leave anyone to write about you.

So grab your blade, brush your teeth, and load your guns because war is here. War also isn’t going anywhere. The only difference is now you can go ahead and embellish your inner-mass murderer. After the zombie apocalypse mass murderers are also called badass heroes. Zombies aren’t alive so it isn’t really murder anyway – it’s a necessity of war. And for those of you who cry about, “Zombies were people too!” I say shut the hell up, hippie. I’m an Attrition Addict who is more than happy to use you as bait!

Because Oral Hygiene is important regardless of what might be trying to eat you.

Keep fighting survivors. And for the love of God, crack a smile while you're doing it!


Thursday, October 6, 2011

Punch or Be Eaten

We’ve all done it.  A bad day at work, a rude shopper at the grocery store or maybe even some one failed to acknowledge that yield signs exist.  Whatever the situation was, it left you pondering your opponent’s destruction.  But you’re not a barbarian.  You can’t just punch a person in the face and move on with your day.  There are laws and the ever-present fear of imprisonment.  So instead you daydream.  You allow your mind to drift into the blissful escape of a post apocalyptic world. 

Unfortunately, our daydreams are significantly better than real life.  No matter what type of apocalypse you dream up, the chaos that ensues will be nowhere near as controllable as we imagine.  We won’t have an endless supply of ammo.  Our bodies will not be in the best shape of our lives.  Every survivor you meet will not be a nude model.  And to top it off, Red Lobster will not be catering to the survivors.  We will be put into situations we are unfamiliar with, forced to trust strangers and we will have an insatiable hunger for brains.  Lets not kid our selves with silly illusions of a heroic escape.  Most of us do not keep spare batteries for flashlights let alone emergency rations, shotgun shells and iodine pills.  We are certainly not ready for a zombie outbreak.  With out preparation, most of us will be eaten within the first 10 minutes.   Therefore, never exacting our revenge upon our nemesis.

In George A. Romero’s horror classic, Night of the Living Dead, he brilliantly evolved our image and expectations for our deceased brethren.  Thus, allowing for these blissful visions.  He also made us rethink our environment.  Never again will you go to a remote farmhouse in Pennsylvania without thinking “How will I get out of here in case of Zombies.”  Not only that but you constantly survey your surroundings for possible weapon options.  How practical is it really to beat a ghoul with a broken chair leg or create a Molotov cocktail with things collected from your cellar?  But Romero’s shining moment comes in when he gathered a group of strangers together to demonstrate the diverse reactions we have to chaotic situations.  More importantly, 99% of made up statistics point to 97% of people fitting in with one of these movie characters.  Sure, we all want to be the badass lead role with expert ninja skills and great hair but chances are… you’re not. 

So which of these personalities are you?

1.     Ben Huss:  You’re cool, collected and you run the upstairs!  You make logical decisions based on fact not emotion.  You try to think ahead and have a plan.  You’re strong and people respect you’re take charge attitude.  You are a badass and no one will ever live to tell you “you were wrong.”  (Only 5% of the global population can be Ben.)
2.     Barbara:  You immediately go into shock.  You are useless to the group, reverting back to the mentality of a small child.  If not for the heroics of others, you would be done for.  You are irrational, unfocused and petrified.  You are also delicious – a fair assumption as you will most certainly be eaten.
3.     Harry Cooper:  Mr. Cooper is the guy you wanted to punch upon first meeting him.  This whole outbreak happened because you wanted to punch this guy without consequences.  Loud, obnoxious, strong-willed and a crass decision maker.  When pushed to the limit, you cower.  Overly opinionated, irrational and emotional you are much like a poodle.  All bark, no bite.  Chances are you will eventually be punched in the face.  Then eaten.
4.     Helen Cooper:  You are a bright cookie who will speak your mind but not push the limits.  You are compassionate and want what is best for everyone. You are the average.  Although you may not be a badass ninja, you have common sense.   Unfortunately, due to your caring character, you will also most likely be eaten. 
5.     Tom: You want everyone to like you.  You don’t instigate.  You have opinions but you are easily swayed back and forth.  You are eager and always helpful.  You’re a nice kid.  Just a little naïve...  So you will probably be eaten.
6.     Judy:  You are whiny and have bad hair.  You will do your part to assist but question everything without ever offering a useful suggestion.  You are primarily calm, even while complaining. However, when pressures rise, you become frantic and emotions impair your judgment.  This of course will lead you to be eaten.
7.     Karen:  You are just a kid and will most likely be eaten before you grow up to be one of the previous six people.  Chances are you will probably get everyone else killed first.  Congratulations!  You are a liability.  Thanks a lot, kid.

Hopefully, now you can properly identify how you will truly act when your world is turned upside down.  When you drift into your happy place to envision that face punching, you know you are probably not Ben.  While you’re dreaming of whatever impending apocalypse you wish for, you’ll always have that gentle reminder:  you are going to be eaten.