Sunday, August 21, 2011

I Heart Nice People

Everyone look to your left.  Now look to your right.  If there is anyone sitting to either side of you, you probably don't like them.  If you are like me, you didn't check because nobody tells me what to do.  if you are alone, congratulations on the happiness you achieved through peace and quiet.  I envy you.  Any persons near to you and not by your choosing would corrupt that calm with incessant rambling on how your brain is squirrel sized and your mother should have swallowed you.  Why?  Because there are a lot of mean people in this non-zombified world.  That is why the virus should be unleashed upon mankind.  I believe Francine Smith(American Dad) described the mass populace best when she said "Stan, you have the undeserved ego of Jeremy Piven, the annoying self-righteousness of Sean Penn, and the unbearable hypocrisy of Rush Limbaugh. What I'm trying to say is, you're almost as bad a person as Rachael Ray."
Does this really need a caption?

Recently, I received a very kind gesture from a stranger.  I was suddenly filled with this uneasy sense of euphoric bliss!  I felt like a little baby with a poop filled diaper and an extra large pixie stick.  I was so happy, I pinged off the walls without a care in the world.  Perhaps, there really is an inkling of hope for humanity...  Perhaps!! So this got my "squirrel sized brain" thinking, what would life be like if my mother had swallowed me?  Then I thought, what the hell happened to manners? Why are peeps so fraking rude to each other?  Unfortunately, courtesy is becoming an archaic past time.  We are on the verge of a new life built upon the backs of reanimated corpses.  The very least we could do is rebuild with a mutual respect for each other.  I have a prostitute brother but when I call that man-ho I am polite and respectful.  I do not scoff and say "hey you, filthy craphole, I'm better than you!"  I say "hello hooker, thank you for finding a new corner to turn tricks."  Then he says " You're welcome sister.  Please tell the kids I say hi.  I hope you explode."  Such fine MANNERS!!!

Now how do these bits of forgotten etiquette apply in an undead world?  Lets look at some examples.
1. Please pass me more ammo
2. Please do something about your face.
3. Please don't use me as bait!  Rachael Ray has been stealing rations to stuff her fat face!  Please use her instead!
Wow wee zow wee!! So useful!
1. Thank you for not crapping in my corner of the tent again.  I didn't want to dream on a shit pillow.
2.  Thank you for cutting that zombies head off for me.  If not, this bite would be much worse!
3.  Wow, thank you for this delicious meat!  You said it was squirrel, right?  Yum!  I think I'll save a piece for Poopsie.                                      Anyone seen my dog?
But wait!  There's more!
1.  Pardon me, but you seem to have a bit of brain matter on your face.
2.  Excuse me, you've tracked mud and intestines all over the floor.  Would you please clean that up?
Did you catch that double whammy?  Let's use them all together in a dialogue with your former arch nemesis (former because with manners we've learned to be nice).
      You: Pardon me, R.R. I brought you this rusty coat hanger.  Please accept this as a gift.
      R.R.: Oh!  Why thank you!  I can't wait to han-
      You:  It's never too late.
      R.R.:  Whato?  Excuse me!?!
I think that went nicely...
Manners are a necessary part of evolution.  When the Caveman began asking the Cavewoman to come back to his cave, there was a drastic reduction in club related deaths.  Everybody wins!  When pirates ask "please hand over your booty and rum and no body gets hurt,"  there is potential for nobody to get hurt.  History has given us many great  well mannered instances.  When the European settlers politely asked the Native Americans to share their delicious turkey and ample land... Every General who most kindly asked for their opponents  complete and immediate surrender...  Actually, the more I think about it, manners are just a means to manipulate people into doing what you want.  In fact, that's exactly what it is!  Throw in a sugah, a sweetie pie or even a darling and people will have no control over their bodies as they comply to your every will.
If someone says "Oh sugah, could I please have your last powerbar?  I'm just famished darling and I would hate to have an accident with this here fire arm due to the case of the vapors I feel coming on!  Don't you think sweetie pie?" You give up your only powerbar.  Deny the request and risk being murdered over a tiny protein snack and looking like a giant dick.  Do you want to look like a giant dick???  85% of you will say no.  The other 15 have a stupid face and better hand over the snacks now.

For those of you planning to begin your global takeover after the zombie outbreak, please remember your manners.  It would greatly behoove you to add a few please and thank you's to your minion recruitment speech.  With potential leaders rising from the ashes all over, you are going to need an edge.  Oh the sweetness of hearing "Please hand over the damn compound, Mutha Sugah!" My heart palpitates with delight imagining that it's followed with "Thank you for leaving the weapons Sweetie Fuck!"  Goodness!  The etiquette of our new world will be the stuff of legends, or something. I suggest practicing these new words we rehearsed on the currently living.  Maybe the zompoc could wait just a bit longer!  Until then, stay pretty and prepare!

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Don't Bite Your Friends!

Have you ever wondered why bad guys wear leather?  It's because evil villainy is super sexy and villains in leather are even sexier.  If you put the Hamburglar in a leather outfit you would take him into a pervert's ice cream truck and do things to him.  Sexy sex things.  Just as long as he keeps his mask on.  And no kissing or eye contact.  For once, that Hamburglar would know what it feels like to be a stolen piece of meat.  I got your cheezburgahs right here baby!
Hamburglar is Mad Magazine guy?

All sexiness aside, leather is a strong ass monkey funker!  Studies done by squirrel scientists say it will last forever.  Those same squirrel scientists say leather makes a perfect nut sack.  Squirrels make great villains and villains do not go through many costume changes (with the exception of any female bosses).  That means this ensemble is going to be getting a lot of wear!   If you were gonna be stuck in one outfit day-in and day-out, wouldn't you want it to be durable AND bitching hot?  I know I would.  Aside from being stronger than a weight lifter at  a 1939 World's Fair, leather has an incredibly temperate adaptation ability.  It keeps you warm in the winter and is breathable and cool in the summer.  This is exactly why sweaty rockstars and fat bikers wear it too.  But most importantly, you can't bite through leather.  Show me a bad guy with a ripped leather outfit, and I'll show you the back of my hand for correcting me!  That makes this durable, all-weather fabric perfect for the end-of-days!!

You may be thinking this is a great opportunity to get that leather dominatrix outfit out of the closet and bring it into daily rotation.  A couple of things to consider first.  1.  Pleather is not leather.  It is also not a strong bite-proof and rip resistant fabric so don't be stupid.  2. If it is not covering your skin it will not protect your skin.  Why not save this outfit for your special sexy sex time with Mr. Hamburglar.  If you only wear it on special occasions it will mean more.
Sexy zombie
She could still be alive if she was wearing real leather.

Maybe you're not very villain-like or maybe you've been told you look ridiculous in leather.  Never fear my pretties!  There are other choices for you.   The good ol' stand by DENIM is an awesome choice.  A high quality denim is just as good at preventing dental imprints and a bit more cost effective.  Do not read this and think it's ok to rock out in jean from head to toe.  Jean shirts have NEVER, EVER been ok and will not protect you.  If it will not help you, you have no purpose to wear it.  I will have an itchy trigger finger for any one spotted wearing one.  Oooops!  I thought he was a zombie! You have to be completely brain dead to wear something that gawd-awful!
It should be mentioned, that we are assuming those putrid cadavers will only be biting and clawing.  Therefore, lacking any ability to wield weapons.  If you cannot bite through something, they cannot bite through it.  So feel free to gnaw on some corduroy.  Perhaps, sample your wardrobe.  As long as they don't come out shooting and swinging numchucks we should be a-okay!
Crazyass squirrel
Meet our fact checker, devoted/undead. 

If all else fails we always have the change of seasons to help us.   Winter will freeze the walkers and require us to layer up.  The added layers will make it nearly impossible to be bitten unless you are plain stupid.  In which case, why wait till winter?  Just offer yourself up as bait and save the rations for the pretty and intelligent.  Hope this has helped you select your Z-day wardrobe better. So as always stay pretty and prepare!

As a little bonus darlings, enjoy this song with an important life lesson:  Bite, bite, bite = no, no, no!

Saturday, August 6, 2011

It's Not OK to Eat Your Friends Purse Pooch

Gangs have existed since the beginning.  Adam and Eve were in a gang.  An apple-loving, snake-hating gang.  Jesus was always chillin' with his disciples.  This will later become the most beloved gang (without leather jackets ever)!  As humans, we are social creatures and we seek like minded individuals.  That's why villains have henchman.  What other reason would a person have to do the bidding of another if not for the good-job banana stickers?  Genghis Khan was known to sing lullabies' and feed his Mongolians beef when they had bad dreams.  This is the kind of camaraderie we desire.  But let's face it, making friends is hard.  Especially when you are a grown up.   Your life turns into a never ending pit of broken dreams as you trudge day-in/day-out to your dead-end job.  You pray to your bobble-head that there is one soul with something in common.  Your moment of glory comes when you find someone who likes the same type of bic pens.  YEAH!  You will be hangin' at the water cooler now!
Jesus gun
Join our gang kid or you could end up holy!

Oh the days of old!  How I long for the ease of grade school clicks...  This was the livings Friendustrial  Revolution.  If you couldn't make a friend during this golden age, you were already a zombie.   All that was necessary was to show up.
"I hate Ms. Perlstein!"
"Me too..."
" I like Smashing Pumpkins."
"ME TOO!  Let's be Best Friends Forever and make friendship bracelets out of colored string."
And just like that the Anti-Perlstein/Smashing Pumpkin click was formed.  Soon others with the same hatered of authority and love of grunge and alternative will gravitate to you.  In time, you will proudly rep your gang with a plaid shirt worn on the hips.  This will have no other purpose.  The kids who's parents bought their clothes at Gap will branch off and wear chunky v-neck sweaters.  I believe that when the little ticklish demon spawn rise from the flames to reanimate the dead, we will return to these times.

"Hi! Are you alive?"
"Yes.  Are you alive?"
" I think so... By golly, I do believe we should be friends!  Maybe one night when I'm lonely, lovers."
Bam!  The " we just survived the apocalypse" gang is now active!  Sure it lacks the flannels of old, but it will do.  It will do.
Since we will have less options for whom we friend (there will be no facebook in the end), it is important to be mindful of a few things. Their feelings...   former beliefs...  purse pooch...  That's right.  Purse Pooch.  Everyone knows how clingy dogs are to their pets.  And miniature little rat dogs are the worst!  They are so demanding and they use their shiesty little dog brain to trick people into doing their every deed.  The human, with their innate desire to join a gang, does so willingly and accepts their fate.  Not only accepts it, encourages it.  They let these toy poodles control them and then reward them with organic, gluten-free treats that cost more than your car.  Your new friend will have left her 90 year old grandmother to fend for herself against the flesh eaters so she could save their pooch.
You have a designer bag?  I have a designer dog

Obviously, the bond is great.  That pup has put you in a tough spot.  You may find yourself struggling to say something nice... especially if you are hungry.  Some things not to say:
"Are you saving that for later?"
" Left leg looks good!  I call dibs!"
" The fur is so soft... This will make great hat!"
Although I am certain this attachment to our pets is due to mind control, destroying it will most certainly end things with your new BFF.  So what if you haven't had a real meal in weeks?  A few more weeks won't kill ya!  It barks all the time?  Big deal!  I don't hear you complaining about that baby.  You wanna eat that too?!!   Oh, is it eating food you could be eating?  Stop being a selfish little bitch and learn to share!  You think the Coach bag it's carried in would be better used for supplies?  Obviously, you think someone else would be cleaning up the little paw prints tracked in everywhere.   No matter what, resist the urge.  Do not eat it!You could end up as zombie bait.  Not really where you want your friendship to lead...
IMG 0450
Do my bidding or I shall poop in your shoe... I also want snausages!

So no matter what marinades and sauces are presented to you, even if you get a nice seasoning salt or a dry rub, remember we all have little left to hold onto.  Do not eat your friends purse pooch.  It could be the straw that makes you another gang involved "incident". We must sacrifice our own rumbly in the tumbly for the greater good of gang relations.  So pack some milkbones in your bug-out-bag and stay pretty and prepare!