Sunday, April 29, 2012

Mom: She Can Destroy You!

I may not be an expert on... well... anything; but I know for certain that an angry Mom is worse than the apocalypse.  To avoid a fate such as being set on fire while drowning in a very full port-a-potty, we have compiled a list of great gift ideas for Mother's Day.  Trust me, it would be wise to please her...

What's the one thing Mom's want more than anything else?  Time away from her family!  And don't forget everybody else.  Nothing is more irritating than finally getting 5 minutes alone just to have it interrupted by a home-siding repair salesman or "bait" for short.  It makes me so stabby!  Best prevention:
Necro Mortosis is already here...

These signs are available at the Zombie World News store. They are just like real street signs and made of aluminium.  Anyone approaching your property will immediately be deterred by these professionally disturbing signs.   They will think that either there really was an outbreak or you are batshit crazy!  Even if you are just wishing for an outbreak and don't want to scare the neighbors, these are awesome party decorations.  There are two styles to choose from; depending on how hostile your mum is feeling.   Best to skip this house in favor of a less threatening home...
Since posting this in our yard,  I have had less Jehovah Witness's for dinner but more time to myself.
Maybe you want something a bit more traditional...
"Peek-a-boo!  I eat you!"
Why not a customized Zombie Puppet from Geeky & Cheeky?  Every mom wants that precious darling to hold in their arms and love forever.  They can FINALLY have that with one of these cute little creations!  Each is made to order by a one-woman factory.  Choose eyes, hair and color of decaying skin... unlike your real children.  Mom will be so pleased!  Especially since these ones don't talk back, have baby talons or cost a small fortune.
One of these little spermies is gonna be my bay-bay!

 As a mom who has always dreamed of being muppetized, I can not express how excited I am to receive my very own Geeky and Cheeky creation.  These babies have a two to three week gestation period so you will need to give mom a pee-stick and a note to let her know she's expecting.  Hopefully, this time she won't respond with hours of crying.  I know I won't!... not this time.

they just want to love you forever and ever... and eat your brains!
Since this is Pretty & Putrid, I feel it is important to stress to mum that she is the most beautiful zombie slayer in the whole wide world and that you would do ANYTHING to keep her from joining the putrid masses.  Perhaps a gift basket from Zombie Elite would make the perfect gift!  

Zombie Elite is a fabulous line of skin care designed with the zombie slayer in mind.  Most survival teams don't include a skin care expert... but they should!  Created by a survivalists, with the intention of using natural, scavenged ingredients before and after the apocalypse.
The best part is that Zombie Elite has put together the perfect giftbasket for your sweet dearest mum. All you have to do is order by May 9th to get it in time.  Get your Survival Butter and Apocalyptic Lips Sugar Scrub and prove your plans to protect your mom and her beauty.   
If you're worried that these items are not quite enough, we have one more that just happens to be a shameless self-promotion.
little known fact... I was in Night of the Living Dead.
That's right, my Pretties!  Ballistic Beauties is our answer for Post-Apocalyptic Fashion needs.  And there are definitely needs!  Made from spent munitions, they are the perfect accessory for the Slaying Mum.
woo mom and give her a "shot to the head!"
 You can never go wrong with jewelry and flowers!  At least not when it's from Ballistic Beauties *wink*  We have bracelets, necklaces, earrings, hairpieces and so much more.  You can pick something already made or have something specially crafted for your giver of life.  Remember she made you, she can destroy you.  Place your order by May 7th or you'll be making her a coupon that's "good for one awesome belated present."
 These ideas are all fun, original, affordable and most importantly support small creepy business.  Even if not for Mothers Day, check out these shops and show support.  Who wouldn't want these goodies in their life?  All of them have fan pages on Facebook as well (linked on the bottom) so be sure to follow all the great happenings.  Although there are many, many great shops out there, with wonderful gifts for mom, these are the ones that seemed most perfect for the "Assassinista." The countdown has begun, my dearest.  Choose wisely or risk awkwardly being shoved back into your mom.   That would just be terrible!  Since you've been warned, stay pretty and prepare!... for Mother's Day.

Click on these to get all "like" happy on Facebook:

Zombie World

Geeky and Cheeky

Zombie Elite

Ballistic Beauties

Monday, April 23, 2012

I Love Kittens

Note:  If you are immortal, this list does not apply to you.  We will assist you at a later date.

Unless you are Bruce Campbell, in which case... OH MY GOSH I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU READ PRETTY & PUTRID!!!  See that everyone?  Bruce Campbell reads Pretty & Putrid!... what was I saying?  Oh yes...

Unless you are Bruce Campbell, the probability of you going from housewares to undead-slayer-extraordinaire is pretty slim.  That means you will die and not just because all of you mortals die at some point.  You're gonna die because something's gonna get cha!

I would drink battery acid with that man...

This is my short list of the real ways you will probably die.

        1. Zombies:  Duh.  Where would a zombie apocalypse be without zombies?  Walmart.  Wishing for it to come.... But really, they are gonna get ya and it won't be as pretty as in the movies.  They will rip you to shreds and eat as much as their non-digesting bodies seem fit.  But this will only be an issue for the first couple of weeks.  After which, we will fall victim to other things.
Other things you will find at Wal-Mart:  The Hamburgler

       2. Pre-existing Enemies:  You know what I'm talking about!  The whole reason we want the undead to unleash their rotting virus upon us; so we can "accidentally" shoot our boss without consequence.  I have a list longer than that North Pole pervs list of naughty girls and boys.  Just a few people I will seek out to destroy, just a few...

Do you really think I would put your name on the list and then let you see it?
        3. Starvation:  A case of canned goods and bottled water from Costco does not qualify as prepared.  "Living off the land" means nothing if you do not know what is safe to eat.  Also, picky eaters don't stand a chance.  While you are complaining that you don't have the Kraft salad dressing you like, you will be eaten.  And if you were less picky before, your friends wouldn't be complaining about how disappointing their meal was... while using your femur as a toothpick!  If you had actually learned to grow and store food...  this all could be avoided.  Or at least postponed.  

I thought Tom could use a bit more pepper.
        4. Fecal irresponsibility:  Before modern plumbing, buckets of crap were thrown into the street.  Rats frolicked in the waste like they were dancing on rainbows.  Your poop is like a rainbow to a rat.  And then the rat spreads that rainbow all over and adds little glittery bits of disease to make it sparkle.  Soon, we will be battling the black plague and zombies.  Please poop responsibly.
Rainbows bring death!  Hooray!

         5. Stupidity:  The world is already riddled with fools.  Lawdy, lawdy!  So many fools.   Why do we add to their numbers?  Because we are fools!  Fools LOVE Fools!  The problem is really just a lack of common sense.  Unfortunately, the root of the stupidity can stem from so many things.  Your downfall  could be simply tripping or getting "Shaned"... because your shoelaces are untied.  Being a hero and holding off a horde... with 12 shotgun shells.  Arguing loudly over the last twinkie... in a heavily infested area.  Eating poisonous berries... Shooting yourself in the foot and bleeding out... Lying about your partner getting bitten...  The list can go on forever.  Stop being stupid, I love kittens.
    Stupid kills kittens.  Stop killing kittens.

    So many ways to die, so many are ridiculous!  Don't be stupid.   Try to prolong your life in the undead world as much as you can... without joining their ranks.  I suggest hiding and waiting this one out.   Otherwise darlings, the best thing to do is stay pretty and prepare.