Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Lotion on Its Skin - Spa and Resort

For three spectacular days you will spend all of your time immersed in what can be described as an in depth spa treatment.

We are located in Calumet City, IL.
Too far of a drive? No problem! We’ll pick you up at your home. In one of our comfy vans you’ll sleep the ride away and you’ll arrive before you know it.

Once you arrive you’ll be greeted by our courteous staff and get you checked into your room right away. In fact, you stay in the same room the entire time. We bring the treatment to you!

You will be greeted with a basket of lotion periodically throughout your stay. Don’t want lotion? We highly recommend you take part in the lotion treatment. Rub the lotion on your skin and that’s it! Your skin is the most precious part of your body after all.

The depth of the treatment is really what keeps you present at all times. And we can’t forget to mention the cool stone masonry walls of your cozy cylindrical quarters. Talk about keeping your mind and body present!

We hope you go away from your experience with less weight on your back and maybe take a little something special with you.

If you don’t return, just know that a part of you will be with us after you are gone.

Thursday, April 2, 2015

Fear the Rabbit

To me, Easter is one of the most truly horrifying holidays of the entire year, second only to Groundhog Day(seriously, no rodent should hold so much power!). All this fear is due to one overgrown fluffy bunny with big sharp teeth...
"Come on, Timmy! Carrots are good for you."

It is our custom to welcome a 6 ft rabbit into our home, allowing it to deliver treats in exchange for boiling the fetuses of his arch nemesis, Chicken Little. After we have successfully murdered at least a dozen of  these unborn chicks, we then camouflage them with bright and spirited colors so that Peter Cottontail can easily hide these lost babes from his clucking foe without being suspected.

Just think about it, Daryl Dixon's dinner walks into your house, watches your kids sleep, sniffs mommies panties, nibbles on daddies ear and then shits jelly beans into a basket. No one else is scared? Who knows what else he is doing?! 
Your fluffy bunny in a pink vest is a lie. This is your Easter Bunny. This is... Frank.
Last year Red Vein Army, a local Dark Arts Promotional group, put together a series of short videos, capturing the very horror that is Easter and it's beloved icon, the Bunny Man. Watch them and tell me if you still think the Easter Bunny is cute and sweet. First up...

Bunny Man: Easter Morning

I'm especially fond of that first one as it features my squeaky little minion! So precious digging in all that blood and guts! Really a proud mama moment... If you think you can handle it, on to the next one... 

Bunny Man: Intruder

Did you pee your pants? Ok, maybe not yet! Grab a diaper for the last one... 

Bunny Man: Aftermath


And this is why I'm scared of the Easter Bunny. Lock your doors. Hide your carrots and don't eat any mysterious jelly beans. The Easter Bunny is coming to town... 

Please leave a comment and tell me all of your Easter fears so that... we can help you...turn them into... reality (letRedVeinArmyscareyou!) Help you. 

"And then the dark lord will use your skull as a chalice and your intestines as a straw. Best Easter ever!"

If you like these videos, subscribe to the Red Vein Army youtube channel. If you are so inclined, you can also read our precious little poem, Happy Peeping Easter, remembering the good ol' days of murderous marshmallows. Until next time, stay pretty and prepare!