Saturday, June 29, 2013

There is Nothing to Fear but Everything

Let me clarify something:  I am not scared of the dark.  I love the dark.  Every night I make the dark my bitch and I take that bitch to bed.  Sometimes, I even play soft music to get it in the mood. Sure, the light gets to see me nakie all the time but the dark... the dark gets to be with me between the sheets.   Real intimate and such. Awwwww yeaaaaaaaa...  So no, you judgmental bastards, I am not afraid at all.  I'm not even looking for a pat on the back for the insane amount of bravery I display every single frakkin night!  I just want to talk to you.  Make sure you're not scared.

It is only when you have no control over the dark that you realize what it is you are actually afraid of.  I know this is something we both share.  It is not the darkness but those things potentially lingering in its unseen depths.  How many times have you seen a spider in the shower, watching you with all those dirty little spider eyes and thinking dirty little spider things?  All the time, right?!  They just watch you, plotting, waiting for the dark to come so they can dance in your mouth and crap on your tongue.

Other things that happen in the dark:  Closet stuff.  Don't act like you don't know what I mean.  If your closet is opened even the slightest bit, there will be some small sound from with in.  Everyone knows this means there is something in there.  When the lights are out, that something is free to creep out and slice you with its razor sharp talons and lick you with it's slithery tongue.  I'm pretty sure the closet thing also has tentacles.  Yup... tentacles.
Seriously... this scary beast is lurking in your closet right now.

Not worried about closet thing?  Spiders have no impact on your day to day goings?  Ok.  Let me introduce you to the I-don't-know-what in the bathroom.  All I know is that if the bathroom door is open when I go to bed, my head spins around like I need an exorcist and I squeal like a breast fed baby being denied the tittay.  I can not be in a dark room adjacent to a bathroom with it's door open.  Just passing by in the dark can result in leathery hands grabbing and pulling you into the mysterious portal you can't see with the lights on.  Also, I'm pretty sure bathrobes and towels can come to life and eat your soul.  Pretty sure about that...
We could go on all day about what's under your bed...

Ok, this all sounds very much like being afraid of the dark.  It really isn't.  It's the fear of not knowing what's breathing on your neck behind you.   The fear of what's crawled up through the cracks and is wrapping around your ankles.  I don't like the things that like the dark.  Like beady eyed trolls with sharp teeth that live under your bed.  Or perhaps the long nailed creature rapping against the window glass when you try to sleep.  Have you ever thought you were alone in a room, late at night, only to look out the window and see a pair of glowing eyes staring back at you?  I have.  No shit, I really have.  Whoever decided ranch homes in urban areas were a good idea never knew a stalker. You never forget the feel of the spastic heart palpitations and the sudden stop as your brain tries to piece together what it's seen and what it believes... The pressure that builds in your chest as you try to rationalize your fears...  The scream you deny yourself due to unrealistic and seemingly imagined horrors and the unexpected sweaty hands that reach around and muffle any noise you try to make as it pulls you down beneath your regrets, your secrets and all of your failed dreams.

Now is not a good time to look behind you.  I'd grab your weapon first.  Snuggle up and sleep with a night-light tonight, darlings.  Hope you wake in the morning... pretty and prepared!

Sunday, June 2, 2013

Pee Time and Crumpets!

Well folks, summer is finally upon us and I don't get what the big effing deal is!  I abhor summer.  It is beautiful, I'll give you that but I don't live at the beach and wake to majestic dolphins swimming with unicorns or watch the sunset with Godzilla or any of that crap.  Summer is hot, humid and everything that bites you wakes up and follows until it can feast upon your sweet honey-flavored blood.  I assume it's delicious.  My jeans spend the season moist with perspiration and everything smells like citronella and my neighbors body odor.  Most importantly, I'm always thirsty.  I hate being thirsty.

 I like drinking coffee and alcohol but not things my body actually needs. This becomes a huge problem especially, say, if the apocalypse happens!... I mean... when it happens.  The need to be properly hydrated becomes increasingly important so you don't die and crap.  Lets not forget the headaches and the lack of candy-coated advil.  I can't imagine that pain relievers will be growing on trees.  More reason to make water your bitch.  

I know what you're thinking... "Kitty, is this really a post telling us to drink more water?"  Nope.  It's about drinking your own pee.  We've already discussed water purification techniques but chances are, no one payed attention.  I bet you're not really prepared either!  Ok, maybe a few of you are.  

Let's just say, you're caught off guard when shit hits the fan, no clean water, it's a gazillion degrees out and you need to release the constantly growing pressure on your bladder.  Are you gonna bag and drink that shit?  Well... hopefully not shiiiiiiiii...... ewwwwwww....

Anyway, Bear Grylls gargles with Honey Badger urine every morning because he wants to remind nature that he don't care.  Afterwards, he starts his day with a nice warm glass of Bear piss.  Bear Grylls Piss. Why? Because he's thirsty and nothing quenches your thirst like pee.   More importantly, he won't be afraid when SHTF and there is no water around.

The question is: will you?  What are you truly willing to do to survive?  Will you snuggle with a bottle of your own liquid waste to keep warm in the winter?  Drink it to stay hydrated in the summer?  I think I know where I fall on this chart...

To be clear, I don't want anyone to have to succumb to the warm elixir of waste.  I certainly don't want to be part of any group that has to partake regularly.  The point is, don't assume water will be plentiful and clean. I won't say this often but stay pretty and prepare or... drink your piss.  The choice is up to you.

Enjoy your summer!