Monday, May 30, 2011

Still Here...

Congrats!  Mr.  Camping was wrong again and you now have till October to get ready!  This is great news because really, how many of us were truly prepared?  Not this gal.  When I say prepare, I'm not limiting that to a bug-out bag.  Your B.O.B. is of course, of vital importance but are you trained? Are you prepared for extreme cardio?  Don't forget about ninja stealth. Are you capable of leaping atop trees and dancing along the forest floor without making a sound?  If you can't, I'm not here to help you. I can however, make sure you are properly  accessorized.

Now don't be so vain.  I'm not talking about the right earrings or the perfect shoes.  We are entering into a world of minimalism.  We will be migrating through, looking for a safe haven.  A modern day fortress.  And we will only have what we can carry and that which is essential.  Water, food and Weapons.

Since we have to leave the costume jewelry behind, we have to make things pop in different ways. Creatively set ourselves apart...
Knex XM8 10 Shot Rifle 17 by bannana inventor
Probably the closest you will get to finding an XM8 in your backyard...

I've noticed everyone is quick to point out the biggest, the baddest and most effective weapons to grab when we wake up to our surprise outbreak.  But how is anyone without a gun rack on their pick-up or military ties suppose to acquire these?  Call me a skeptic, but I don't think that I will come across an abandoned cop car loaded with p90's and endless ammo.  I just don't see it happening.   Also, I believe assuming that everyone who finds a weapon will be able to use it is just silly, darlings.  To reiterate: you need training.

For many of you, I'm sure the whole gun thing is a little overwhelming.  Believe me, I understand.  I have no idea what I'm talking about!  I do know shooting ranges exist for a reason and it's not to train you for duck hunt.  Take advantage of them.  Select a weapon you can handle, carry comfortably and easily find ammo for.  If the ammo can be used in a secondary sidearm it's ideal.

You are probably wondering to yourself "what does this have to do with fashion?"  Oh my pretties, let me tell you.  All my time playing Black Ops with my husband has taught me one very valuable lesson.  The camo type I chose for my gun never gave away my position.  No matter what map we played.  It was always me and the stupid things I did.   More importantly, the custom gamer and clan tag painted over my ice colored weapon made me feel empowered.  In 2008, artist Peter Gronquist realized the same thing when he created a collection of designer weapons for an exhibit in  Los Angeles.  Genius? YES!  Sure these puppies will set you back a pretty penny starting at around 2G's...  but they're designer!
D and g desinger gun
If Gucci and Chanel are not your thing, ask your local gun store owner what areas of your firearm are safe to bedazzle and paint.  I'm sure they get that question all the time.
Gucci rifle

Let us not forget the mighty sword!  Even Bilbo Baggins had a custom blade. So why shouldn't you?  Melee weapons are often dismissed due to the close proximity to the undead required for use.  I say, use the beautiful sunny days to master them!  Why not cut up your sweet, mouth-watering watermelon with a machete for your next bbq.  Familiarize yourself with easy to acquire tools and practice in the backyard.  Your sharp-thing will outlast your ammo and provide much needed stealth... assuming your lazy ass has made it this far.  Even throwing knives have their place.  They're light, easily attached to your ankle, thigh or arm for quick accessiblity and of course, upping  your hot, badass factor (But they are insanely difficult to master!).  Don't rely on a throwing knife to deliver an undead-kill shot.  These are more to buy you time, and protect against hobos.  When shopping for your blades, be sure not to get replicas.  You don't want to be dinner because your cheap and lazy. Zombie Tools is a great site with battle-ready swords.  They are hand-crafted in the U.S. and they look amazing!
Zombie tools vakra kukri new 600
"The Vakra" is one of the AMAZING blades at Zombie Tools

They even have a blade modeled after the Kukri- the very same our hero uses through the pages of The Reaper Virus!  The Zombie Apocalypse is a very serious hazard of our post-rapture future and we need to be realistic about what we will have.  Do some shopping now so you are not relying on the remains of your ransacked, zombie-infested Wal-Mart for your most important accessory.
Posh saw 7
Who are we kidding!  We all have dreams of charging towards a zombie with a chainsaw revving in our grip!  Slicing limbs off, one by one before decapitating rotting corpses...  Just imagine the power!!!  But chainsaws didn't even last forever in dead rising, they certainly won't in real life.  oh, and that little power supply thing...  So darlings, choose your weapons wisely and please stay pretty and prepare!

Friday, May 20, 2011


With the end of the world approaching, I think we should all take a moment to reflect upon the good times we've shared with each other,  offer to pet-sit for the those who will be raptured, and of course, plan our existence as a tortured soul, wandering the earth...

Of course, some souls will be more tortured than others.  After all the good guys go up, the rest of us are suppose to suffer through earthquakes, volcanos, tsunamis and the most terrifying of all- Old Navy flip flops raining from the sky( who wears those anyway?  They are awful!).  Also something with birds, snakes and airplanes... and Leonard Bernstein.  We have recently seen the effects of nature and it's impact on our man-made society and we have scarcely dodged greater catastrophe.  But what if some of the souls that are saved by this impending biblical apocalypse, are the same great minds that we depend upon to save us from oil spills, nuclear meltdowns and Lenny Bruces' rampage into the CDC, unleashing millions of deadly diseases upon the city of Atlanta ( that's what R.E.M. was talking about, right?)?  What will happen then?

Futurama season six apocalyptic picket signs


I'll tell ya!  Zombies, my pretties, ZOMBIES!!  It's only a matter of time before all those bad things blend together and mutate into something worse.  Now if you are wondering why I am addressing you as if you are not gonna be saved... well... you're not.   You are reading Pretty &Putrid, although it's time well spent, instead of repenting for your sins and raising money for this guy who says it's coming.  I guess he is staying behind too.

Now we don't know what exactly will happen but we should be prepared for anything.  Sure there could be locusts.  Do you have a veiled hat?  We also don't know if the seas will really turn into blood our it will look like blood because the sun is black and the moon is red.  Best thing, make sure you have comfortable boots that wash easily and transition well from season to season.  Sunglasses may be a thing of the past but bring them anyway.  Everyone who wears sunglasses at night is much cooler.  I would also suggest looking for a micro-fiber pant or a cute body hugging poly-spandex top.  Synthetic fibers are harder to bite through and the micro-fiber will feel cooler against your skin, you know, in case of hot molten lava.

Eow weather

I'm sure we have a little bit of time before we see the undead walk,  It may actually be one of the foretold plagues.  However, take some time tonight to bedazzle your weapon.  Shotgun? Crowbar? Sharp thing?  Paint it your favorite color and make it your own.  The worthy have been saved and that means you can't trust any one!  Anyone say "oh, that zebra-print machete looks fantastic!  Can I see it?" say no.  They are shiesty and just want your stuff because it's prettier.  Next they will want your face and your first born.  Although, If you haven't had children yet, the second won't be an issue. Infertility is another part of the end-of-the-world gig.  We are entering into a "Children of Men" society... and combining it with "Dawn of the Dead."

I hope you now have a better idea of what we are about to experience.  All we can hope for is a little time to get ready and bling out our gear.  So as always, stay pretty and prepare!