Friday, June 24, 2011

Duck, Duck, Dead!

Time is precious and I need a pedicure.  Let's quickly review some things.
  • Bug-out-bag packed and ready to go?- check!
  • Weapon's at the ready?- check!
  • Team selected for repopulating the Earth?-Whaaaaaat?
DSC 0083
devoted/undead packed his weapons but forgot his lipstick

No one wants to travel alone and having the best people with you is essential for the well-being of your new-world-post-apocalyptic colony.  Don't put your faith in wayward strangers along the way.  Select your team now and prepare not only for zombies, but also for the rise of machines,  animal uprising, midget rebellion and the more feasible natural disaster.  Use the following survey to screen possible founding members.
  1.   Is this person attractive?  If no, end survey.  This question is less superficial then you think so stop judging.  Pretty people statistically* are more ambitious, confident and overall successful.  Also, once things simmer down you really will need to repopulate the world.  Do you really want this great lands future in the hands of an ugly?  (Statistic based on personal observation and is not FDA approved nor backed by anyone.)
  2.  Does applicant posses any useful skills?  You know, nunchuck skills, bow hunting skills, computer hacking skills...? If no, end survey.  Unfortunately, being pretty is not enough.  You must contribute something. Hunter, warrior, doctor, douche-bagger-destroyer... something.
  3. True or False.  Sand, Charcoal and iodine are possible options for purifying water. If applicant answers  "None of that is in my Evian so it must be false," punch them in the face and end survey.  Whatever you have stockpiled in your attic will run out and water is heavy when on the move.  You will need to find water sources and be able to purify in any situation.  If caught off guard, you may not have iodine tablets so learning alternative filtration techniques is a must.  When possible, boil to kill bacteria but be aware that a fire can give away your position to the living that you wish were dead.
  4.  Does applicant have a mullet? If yes, end survey.  So maybe this one is entirely vain.  If I was able to travel back in time, only once, to meet any person in history, I would meet the first person to wear a mullet.  I would meet them and subject them to a slow, painful torture performed to the music of Lady Gaga.  After removing their eyelashes one-by-one, I would carve tiny penis pictures all over their face with a soup spoon.  I would tie them to the bottom of a buick and drive through a residential neighborhood ridden with speed bumps.  After my joy ride, I would parade my victim around town while they wear a sign that reads "I raped your farm animals."  I hate the mullet that much.  The only thing I hate more:  Rachel Ray.  And I doubt she is Mullet Zero.
  5. True or False.  "leaves of three, don't touch me" is 80's propaganda pushed by Nancy Reagan to keep kids from doing drugs so she would have more for herself. If true, end survey.  Surviving the zompoc is not just badass shotgun flinging zombie killing, it's also about surviving.  If you can't survive a night in your back yard, good chance your screwed when the world ends.  Learn both helpful greens and those to avoid within your region.  If you yourself lack a green thumb, make sure you select someone capable of growing food with in your new settlement.  You can't scavenge forever.
  6. Is applicant a ninja?  If yes, you are so lucky!  These are hard to come by, very rare in the south.  Snatch 'em up if you find one.  They will have so many uses!  Sneaking into cities to survey the scene and find supplies, scouting rebel camps and possibly decapitating their leader, destroying an oncoming horde of undead before you even put your Entertainment Weekly from 6 months ago down.  If ninja wears a mask over their face like Cobra Commander you can accept them even if they are an ugly.
Rachael ray
'Yummo' is not a word Rachael Ray!  You are not welcome in the new world!

Use this questionnaire as a preliminary screening.  No amount of common sense and disaster preparedness can guarantee you will survive first round dead picks.  Good chance if you do, you will still have to realign your group and interview for new members.  Remember to avoid "red shirts" (see previous posts) and think of each persons long term potential.  Don't forget, when they have worn out their welcome they can always be used as bait!  Let's hope you pick the best for our doomed future and stay pretty and prepare!  

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Protect YO Neck!

It never fails.  You're sitting at the campfire, enjoying a scrumpulous meal of stolen beans and beans when, with out warning, a zombie bites your neck.  Can't a girl enjoy one meal without being interrupted? Now you are missing a vital piece of flesh needed to maintain your physical symmetry.  Not to mention being infected with the R33 PR virus, or what have you.
They came without warning, feasting while you were all too vulnerable.  Sure, a vampire selects the neck to gain quick access to that thick artery carrying that precious elixir of life.  But not a zombie.  With the undead it is nothing more than a matter of convenience.  While your limbs are at rest, those stupid hungry buggers are gonna dive right in.  And unless your attacker is a midget (I apologize, smaller-than-normal-people) or a child, the theoretical bullseye is placed by default on your neck.
That's not her neck...

Now what do we do, my pretties?  We don't want you to join the realm of the putrid, right?
It is almost impossible to spend all of our time on the defense.  We must eat, sleep, boys must crap in a rabbit hole, and ladies must meditate as our bodies run at 100% efficiency.  It's natural.  While we are still in the preparation stages, we don't know if we shall fight alone or have a team watching our back.  Even on guard, you have to reload or pull the knife out of the last skull.  Other precautions must be taken.
In medieval times a plate armor would be worn over chain mail.  And for the broke ballers, just one or the other.  Although heavy, uncomfortable, and expensive, this get-up is bite proof!   The metal completely covers the neck and would allow for a peaceful supper but removes a great deal of mobility and limits your field of sight.   So maybe not the best option...
DSC 0922
hey guess who has a stiff neck and is ready for the zombie apocalypse?  THIS GUY!

I should point out, for the purpose of this blog I am heavily betting on stupid zombies.  If those bitches can use tools we are all fucked.  Think of an infected gorilla... now make him smart and infected... terrifying.  If our future is filled with pcp fueled, adrenaline pumping zombies coming at us with hatchets and shot guns, we may as well accept it and succumb.  Now if my hopes and dreams are correct, those shambling idiots will be natural selection at work.  Let's hope the bite thing is our only issue...
Back to this neck thingy.  Now in the rainy Ol' Land of England,  the highly starched neck ruff was all the rage!  These overly frilled collars would stick up to a foot out and required an additional support structure to keep it in place.  The trend supposedly emerged from a detachable collar essentially used to keep your clothes clean... but I don't buy it.  I think Queen Elizabeth was hip to the ever present danger lurking in the london streets.  Not just vampires but patient zero (If the movies have taught me anything, no matter the type of downfall, the apocalypse will start in London).  I think she was one smart cookie and just trying to keep her people prepared and called it fashion.  Good call, Lizzie.  Good call.
The undead will never get her neck!... does the mouse have a ruff?

So what do my pretties do? We can't wear a full armored suit and that ruff is just not with the times.  What's that you say?  Why not the chain mail?   By golly, I was gonna say the same thing!  Go to any renaissance fair, and there will tons of people dressed like elves selling it.  But lets not go old school with this look.  Chain mail can be made into anything! Seriously, anything.  My first thought was a nice chunky necklace, maybe even add a few pretty beads to coordinate with your outfit.  But there is more!  Scarves, gloves, shirts, skirts, bikinis, hooker wear, belts (both chastity and pant holder types), turtlenecks, dresses and kermit the frog-style collars!  Now guys, if you are not into the frog look (actually called a gorget)  get an s&m collar to keep you nicely fastened to your traveling partner.  Something for everyone!
I don't want you to feel like this is your only option for neck protection.  It's just another option.  If you choose to go for a super necklace of your choosing, make sure it's strong.  Nothing that can easily be yanked off.  If you are a little more low key, wear a neck brace while you rest.  It's not cute.  Quite ugly really, with limited movement, but no surprise zombie snack incidents.
Maybe next time you find your self drifting past the hand-blown glass, healing crystals and monster turkey legs, you'll spend a little extra time admiring those hand-crafted metal goodies.  Anything to protect our beauty.  So as always, stay pretty and prepare!