Monday, December 19, 2011

The Most Wonderful Time of the BLAH, BLAH, BLAH!

Happy Hellidays everyone!

Yay!  Christmas!  I will eat your soul.

The time of year in which we pretend to care about those around us has arrived.  We waste our time saying things like "I'm so thankful for you and for turkey" while we think "I'm so thankful you got me a sammich.   Now I don't have to polish my backhand!"   Don't forget some damned mashed potatoes.   I effin' love mashed potatoes so you better already KNOW I want some!  Yes, we are so considerate and loving to those around us.  We shower them with kind and heartfelt gestures if only for the satisfaction of the soul...  and for the presents they will give us.

Oh wait...  No, I don't believe... nope, that never happened.  Just like the end of the world in October or May or September of '94 and May of '88.  All of that didn't happen.  I still want mashed potatoes, too.  Yet, that's not happening either.  Polishing the back of my hand may remind you of my missing sammich, also.   But one thing really should happen: the Zombie Apocalypse.  Let me tell you why...

1. Bitches Don't say Please!  At some point we abandoned manners as a society.  We then replaced our former glorious etiquette with an undeserved sense of entitlement.  I think living on the brink of death in an apocalyptic world is just what we need to remind us that nobody owes you anything.  Except pie.  You owe me pie.  And in exchange, I will say "thank you."

2. Nobody knows what a yield sign is!  I could spend hours talking about the driving flaws of most people and my general hatred of anybody behind the wheel.  However, one thing grinds my gears more than any other:  Failure to yield.  In short, "yield" does not mean drive faster and expect others to stop for you.  My hope is that during the zompoc, these people continue to ignore this very basic instruction and become some salivating dead thing's lunch.  

3.  Rachael Ray

4.  Overpopulation!  This is a very obvious reason.  Nowadays, there are easily 25 hookers to 1 John.  With odds like that how's a ho gonna make some do'?  This surplus of bedtime-seducers has not only crowded the street corner, but created a scarcity of skimpy clothing.  Reclaim your turf; let the virus free... no, not that virus!
line outside Tramps-R-Us

5.  Shits and Giggles!  I'm gonna be honest with you.  It would just make me happy.  I would like to put my survival training to use; I like a challenge.  Especially a challenge that does not involve me going to work and allows me to take out my aggression on others... accidentally.  Many people are only alive because my man-meat reminds me about jail and morals.  Once Z-Day comes, those things won't matter anymore and I will freely unleash my wrath.  More importantly, I will still look good while doing it.

While some may think this is a silly list of petty reasons, I see this as a need for destruction.  The wise will agree and swear allegiance now, while the fools will be used as feed for the undead masses.  Choose wisely my pretties.  This list is ever growing and our z-day is imminent... once I get the formula.  So until then, stay pretty and prepare!

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Justin Bieber Son of Satan? Maybe Just Patient Zero

After hours of intense scientific study, I have discovered the origin of the impending Zombie Apocalypse.  My Pretty Survivors!  It is upon us!  Brace yourself for this serious revelation.

"Bieber Fever."

 Don't act surprised.  We all knew there was something wrong with this kid...

But why, you ask... Well, being that this is super sciency and such, this may be difficult for the non-super sciency people to follow.  So pay attention.

Little Justin Bieber wants to be a zombie.   Wants to be a zombie!  That's a little suspect of a teen pop star.  Sure, he just wants a cameo on a must-watch show but it still raises red flags.  The standard fan of the zombie empire is at the farthest possible point away from Bieber on the spectrum.  His crossover role would set the world off it's axis sending us spinning into a fiery blaze of death and destruction.  Ending in the Zombie Apocalypse.

To continue, "Bieber Fever" sounds like an evolutionary strain of the Bubonic Plague. It's no coincidence that listening to his music is known to cause painfully swollen glands, high fevers and seizures.  In fact, it is a masterful way to spread infection.  Pop music is everywhere, whether we like it or not.  It's just as infectious as this deadly plague.  You try to have a pleasant evening with the girls and the next thing you know, you're dancing on a table singing ...ahem... screaming the words to whatever Gaga song is in rotation.  You are driven to drink more and hate yourself in the morning, all the while wondering how you knew the words in the first place.  Could it be Satan is behind all pop music?  Perhaps, allowing his own son to top the charts, brainwashing the youth to be stupid.... er... stupider.  Why else would lyrics like "I'm talking about everybody getting crunk, crunk, Boys tryin' to touch my junk, junk, Gonna smack him if he getting too drunk, drunk" be in rotation?  Devil made 'em do it.  Kesha is crap.
"Lordy, Lordy!  He gave me the plague!!!... and i think herpes."
Maybe you are still not convinced.  Well, you are obviously broken.  Most hear of the bubonic plague and think the Black Death!  Yet, this particular rampage of death and misery was documented far sooner than the 1300's. Yea, check out this history lesson.  6th century, bitches!  Enter The Plague of Justinian!  Notice the name?  Justinian?... Justin... Bieber Fever!  Not only did Justin Bieber create a pandemic that killed millions of people centuries before he was even born,  he did it with something that causes hand necrosis, a common trait associated with the Plague of Justinian. 
A little 'tussin would probably clear that right up.
If you missed it, HAND NECROSIS.  The tissue on the hand is dead.  Like a dead person. But you are still alive.  Like a zombie.  I see this as nothing more than a failed attempt to bring forth the end of days.  Don't worry, he has had plenty of time to get it right...

Now, my darling survivors, we are closer than ever before.  It's obvious through all my scientific sciency tests, that this teeny-bop, mop-head is somehow involved with the prince of darkness. In exchange for fame and access to underage girls he gets the perfect plague.  Why else would anyone claim they are impregnated with his child?  The antidote.  In exchange for a little hush-hush and a promise to keep his cover, they get the cure. 
I'm gonna get you!

In review:  Zombie Bieber > Bieber Fever > Bubonic Plague > Plague of Justinian > Hand Necrosis > Zombie Apocalypse.   You are welcome.

It is time to go forth in the world and spread the word.  Warn those you like and laugh at those you don't.  This holiday, give the gift that causes undeath: pop music.   You now know the truth and have the power to save the world or allow it to be destroyed.  Choose wisely and until this hellish fire is unleashed upon us, stay pretty and prepare!