Friday, March 18, 2011

Red Rover, Red Rover Please Send Over... PICARD!

Are you stuck with a group of survivors who are always cutting it too close?  Tired of bailing particular members out of trouble over and over and over again?  Are you sick of smelling putrid decaying flesh within an uncomfortably close proximity when you could of just saved your own ass and made a run for it?  Do you wish you had never got into this situation... ?

Well, we can't undo the Zombie Apocalypse (plus, we all know it really is a dream come true...) but we can be preventative.  How often have you watched a movie and thought "Oh no!  That fool's gonna die!"? It's so obvious!   We all know what's about to happen.  These fools are called "red shirts"- Star Trek geeks know what i'm talking about... People introduced into a series or an episode or whatever just to die.  A necessary casualty.   The worst part is THEY have no idea that their sole purpose is death.  The key is to identify these red shirts before they join your group and stop them!

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Last time we mentioned socks and sandals - a common red shirt wardrobe malfunction.  This is one of many examples.  Another very obvious clue would be an actual red shirt complete with the S.T. crest.  If they have a communicator in hand and look like they just left a convention good chance he is already infected and hiding a bite wound.   Not to say all geeks and Star trek fans are Red shirts.  I happen to be depending my precious beautiful life on one of these loving dorks.  He is my Captain Picard.  Thats right.  My preference is totally Jean-Luc.  He is a man that won't bend or waiver.  He is never weak and he knows "there are FOUR lights!" Patrick Stewart and everything he does is amazing, but I digress....  So just because they can recite every alien encounter by episode and series does not mean they are a red shirt.  Look for more.

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"Do you have any Gatorade?  I seem to have left my electrolytes in your daughter..."

Do they look like they just walked outta the Jersey Shore?  Keep walking, honey.  There is a particular word for this type of red-shirt.  It's called a douche. Who has frosted tips anymore?  Yes, we here at Pretty & Putrid look good, but we haven't lost our brain... obviously!  All natural beauty, baby!  A fake-n-bake tan isn't gonna save lives and a fist bump won't stop a horde.  RED SHIRT!!!

Rat tail and a fanny pack? RED SHIRT!  Puppy in a purse?  RED SHIRT!!  Lip gloss and a shotgun?  KEEPER!!!

Although we need to help our fellow man and come together against the awakened corpses roaming the Earth,  we also need to be smart.  Some people will not make it and they are just going to drag you down with them.  Choose who you stay with wisely and who you leave behind even more so!

I hope you evaluate those around you a little differently now. So as always my darlings, stay pretty and prepare!

Wednesday, March 9, 2011


At every great office party, it is only a matter of minutes before some seemingly-drunken co-worker begins shambling around with their arms extended outward, knees stiffened and head cocked to the side.  Are we already out of punch? No.  Still plenty...  Are they choking?  Should I find someone else to help? No, they want something else.

And then you hear it.

"Braaaaaaaaiiiiiiinnnns! Braaaaaaiiiiinnnssss!!!"

Oh! They are pretending to be a zombie!  They still make Zima? How cute indeed...  Somehow, zombies can talk, but only to say brains.  No other word.  Apparently, chowing down on the delicious muscle of intelligence does not give you any, just creates a hunger for more.

But why?

Of the 78 human organs, why hunger for brains?  Why not the heart, pumping our sweet blood throughout? Or even the useless appendix for a zombie delicacy?  "Appeeeeeennnnnndiiiiix-essssssss!" It gives me chills just thinking about it.  However, The very thought of Zombies focusing their very existence on 3lbs of grey matter is simply laughable!

Unless we are approaching the 'why' completely wrong.

Maybe it's more then a longing for the muscle they can no longer control.  I believe they are trying to tell us something.  Ever notice who seems to go first?  Stupid people... and uglies.   Zombies are obviously seeking those who fail to make use of their brain.  It is the intelligent who prevail... and the pretty.  Think about who goes first in the movies... "Stay away from the windows. It's dangerous!"... "Whatever, I do what I want.... AHHHH! THEY GOT ME!!!!! HELP!!!" shakes head  " What did I say? Maybe next time you will listen..."  Too bad there won't be a next time since you will have to end their miserable, stupid, non-listening existence before they turn and become a threat to others.  Hopefully, you don't travel with many like this.  Ammo should be reserved for the undead not the unsmart.

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No, this is NOT badass!

If a Zombie can look you in the eyes before eating you, I'm sure they can look over your outfit as well.  And why shouldn't they with those shoes!?  The Zombie Apocalypse is just natural selection at work.  Every time you see a kid riding his bike in the street without a helmet and not paying attention you think "hey I should hit them with my car!"  Every time a Zombie sees someone in socks and sandals they think "hey, I should eat them because they lack brains!"

If you see someone on the side of the road asking for help, ask yourself "What Would Zombies Do?"  If you answer yourself with "Lunch!", keep moving.  You don't need them in your convoy.  They will probably get you killed.

By visiting Pretty & Putrid you have already taken the first step towards glorious, attractive survival.  Don't fail mankind now.  So, as always, stay pretty and prepare!

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

"Scratch Power, Activate"

It's been one of those days...

Hairs a wreck.  Make-up ruined.  You actually broke a sweat!  Not the sexy kind, the one where you dab a little water along your chest and above the brow, stand at the highest peak and face the sun begging for attention.  No the sun wasn't shinning.  There was no bottled water.  The only glistening comes from the machete at your side, blood still wet.

You've spent hours contemplating how this could happen...

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Good chance this is NOT you.  You probably need a shower.

Still no answer.

Look at your hands.  Did you ever think it was possible? The nails chipped broken and in dire need of a manicure.  How could you go so long without one?  Not only are they absolutely atrocious, they have done some dirty, dirty things... like dishes... in a river... with things swimming in it!

Loading a magazine has not helped your manicure at all and it has become a part of daily life.  Every bullet chips a little more polish off.  And lets face it!  Supply runs never seem to include any replenishment of your favorite 0.P.I. color.  Quite selfish if you ask me...  It's time to come up with a better maintenance option.

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If your nails look like this alive, feel free to be the group sacrifice...

First, go natural darlings!  lose the polish altogether and go for a neat short look.  The initial adjustment will be tough but remember, you can give the impression that you are just starting a trend.  Chipped nails will make you look like a disaster and send the message " I make great bait!"  You don't have to have a functional medulla oblongata to spot a bad manicure so, let's not bring any unnecessary attention to yourself.  Even a zombie deserves better.

Second, acquire a multi-tool complete with a nail file.  Your supply bag should be light and only have necessities.  A Swiss Army tool will NEVER be tossed out.  This will be another opportunity to establish yourself as useful and prepared, not just the group pretty.  A little serrated knife, pocket scissors and a tiny screwdriver are all useful tools as well.  Don't over do it with useless add-ons.  You need to be able to keep it in a cargo pocket and run, especially when your brains start looking desirable to a recently bitten survivor... however, a heavy-duty hatchet and a quick wack to the head could prevent this attack.

Frail nails will do more harm than good. ( Really, have they ever done any good?)  Every time they break, you instinctively pull back with an "oww" and a quick analysis, disrupting your focus.  This could easily lead to a chomp on your arm by a near-by undead attacker.  A non-filed edge could snag and catch on your shirt slowing your response when reaching for your side-arm.  Rather then deal with the consequences, prevent the problem.  A little maintenance goes along way.  Don't let a lack of simple beauty care be your downfall.  Besides, every one is depending on you to remind them of all the beauty left in the world... YOU!

So as always my darlings, stay pretty and prepare!