Sunday, December 19, 2010

Don't Hold The Purse!

This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang but a whimper.

—T.S. Eliot, "The Hollow Men" (1925)
Can you believe T.S. Eliot made money on that? He was waaaayyy off!
The world ended in a series of screams, gunshots, cries, and most importantly - a cacophony of undead moaning. But don't get yourself down husband/boyfriend/male figure accompanied by a female. What you don't realize is that this is the best thing that could have possibly happened to you!
"How is it that you can sleep ANYWHERE?!"
Just ponder for a moment... no more mortgage, no more useless boss (its likely they're "dead"), no more obligation to shave your face, etc... This is what you have wanted your entire life! You have broken free of the emasculating financial and social bonds that prevented you from being anywhere close to an alpha male. Let's not think of it as "the end of the world" but the beginning of a new world for you and your lady friend.
Sure there are negative aspects of this freedom. No more Xbox, no more cookie dough, no more pizza, the new unsettling scarcity of contraceptives. But take any hostility created by the lack of your former life staples and turn it into a motivating rage to become all that is man.
There is now a limitless supply of undead skulls to vent your frustrations on. Your only concern now is survival. Not to mention the lovely lady keeping you company. Just try and pretend that you don't have to continue pampering and treating her like a queen regardless of the apocalyptic forecast. And if you're like me, you have kids added to this equation. So see? There is a future after all...
This all brings me to the matter at hand: gathering supplies.
A family cannot survive without supplies. Be it a family of two, four, or "extra" they've gotta eat something. Before the world ended, did you ever try doing a trip to Wal-Mart every OTHER week? It doesn't work! In fact the notion itself is borderline negligence.
To support this living hoard you have to get crap for them to eat, crap for them to do, crap to keep them from making you WANT to join the ranks of the undead. The more pessimistic readers may view this as the same situation from the pre-brain eating world. It has similarities sure, but now your methods of support are ones that were previously frowned upon...
Looting for supplies is not a group affair. Although it is also unwise for you to go alone. Even when the dead are walking, the buddy system still pulls a lot of weight. If it's just the two of you, or the kids can hide out for a while, taking your lady with you is advisable. You will be better off if someone can watch your ass - not to mention carry things! Your ravenous (living) eating machines will need a lot of stuff to get them by and obviously there will no longer be such a thing as a "quick trip" to the store. More hands to carry goodies means less trips out of your Fortress of Familitude.
"It put's the lotion in the basket!"
Imagine a situation where you and your woman have stumbled accross a shipping crate of powerbars/ bath and body works lotion. Jackpot right?! Your lady is checking out the treasure, making little attempt to quell her audible excitement, while you scan the surroundings with cautious eyes and the weapon of your choosing in a white-knuckled grip. Then you hear it... "Hey hunnie can you hold my purse while I try this lotion?" How can you say no to the question you have been rolling over for since the first date? So you hold the damn purse. The combination of a newly occupied hand and the longing for your testicles to return causes you to let your guard down. Then a torso-zombie crawls over and bites your ankle. She screams louder than the expletive you shout. Suddenly every hungry and rotting creature in a square mile closes on your location to enjoy the meal you have provided.
This could have been prevented if you hadn't held her damn purse. But what to do? You know she's got shit to carry...
The solution is a messenger style bag. Messenger bags have the benefit of storage and portability. The life saving factor here is that they can fit snuggly against the body. This way no decomposing hands can get a grip on her while on supply runs. The bag can also be flipped around the shoulder for easy access - and thus she doesn't need to take it off and hand it to you (killing you both and any hope for the future).
Naturally this won't be enough storage to take ALL those power bars and bottles of lotion back to your fortress. Think about all the reusable grocery bags she made you buy because of her status of a closet hippie. You know she doesn't want to carry the purse. It always ends up in the shopping cart or stroller anyway!
This is a very sexy "mag"... or "murse." What do you call man bags?
It is important to know that anything you get while looting and pillaging must be dropped at a moments notice. None of it is worth your life. The Messenger bag should contain essentials. If she insists on packing more than the Messenger bag can hold then leave her at home. There is no stealth involved in a pack animal!
Sooner or later that purse arm will carry a weapon. She will have plenty of chances to practice with this weapon which hopefully means she gets better at using it. This leads to less killing required by you (don't forget it's theraputic and recreational, so don't feel the need to hold back on her part). In the end more supplies can be carried by you AND your zombie slaying lover.
Remember: the couple that slays together stays together...

Saturday, December 4, 2010


Ah, laziness!  It oozes out of the American pores.  Maybe it's a lack of drive, inspiration, a result of a dormant lifestyle or even poorly designed nanobots...  Regardless, it gets us eaten. 

Rest assured we at Pretty & Putrid have not been eaten.  We are just lazy.  Being so beautiful, albeit natural for us, takes energy to share with others.  Don't worry my pretties, you are not forgotten.  We are running an eency-weency bit behind, but you also being of the laziness breed, probably haven't noticed.
Could have used a skin treatment...

Not wanting a facial from a Zombie,  I suggest going now before the infection starts spreading.   When we return from our pampering we shall deliver our message of beauty and survival.

Until then... stay pretty and prepare.

Friday, November 26, 2010

In The Beginning... They Dropped Bombs!

So you've been running for what feels like days, but only minutes.  As fast and as far as your unworked legs can take you.  Trying to get as far away from the city as possible.  Sure, a weekend at your Aunt Gertrude's house in the Big City seemed like a great idea at the time, but it quickly turned sour when she tried to eat you.  Lusting after your tender, unprepared brain.  Soon the squadron of bombers will be flying in to drop a heavy load on the city, ( commence giggling now... and stop ) attempting to exterminate Auntie and her friends.  For all we know this is the kind of behavior that began the plague. But I digress...

You hear a rustling behind you.  Something is chasing you! Oh God this is how it ends!  Curlers in your hair, your ex-boyfriends tee shirt and your favorite pair of sleep pants, covered in kittens... (mine have cupcakes).  You finally get the courage to turn and face it and... its... HOT!  Not to mention breathing.  Yet, your butt has never looked frompier.  You wish you had prepared.

In the pre-apocalyptic world, chances with someone like this had always been minimal.  But NOW!  Options with a pulse are becoming a hot commodity. YOU ARE IN!  Or at least you would be if you were at all prepared. Tsk, tsk, tsk. Let's change your fate, shall we?

All could be forgiven if you get your ass in check.  So lets lose the kitten pants and start there.  Everyone should invest in a good pair of cargos.  They've come along way and fitted and chic is in and easy to find.  If you are not in the military do not dare put on camo!  Zombies can smell you regardless so don't waste your time thinking your doing yourself a favor.  You could bedazzle your outfit and a zombie wouldn't notice.   Fitted is not only cute but beneficial.  Loose clothing is just asking for a decaying hand to grab on and pull you into its rotted mouth.  "But I have no butt!" you say "How can I possibly make it look fly?"   Don't worry, a little pocket detail will give the illusion that there is a thang to back up.  Something as simple as a zipper detail or if you need a lil' more "illusion," go for full back pocket flaps.  " But my badonkadonk is outta control!"  Then you need the smooth pocketless option, minimizing appearances.  Once you find a pair that cradles your gluteus maximus, move onto storage. You maybe wondering why cargos? Wouldn't those  ridiculously hot pair of jeans be better? No, no they would not.  This is after all for survival... and looking hot.  You should have quick access to supplies, tools and most importantly, weapons (we will go over these in future weeks. Baby steps).  Be sure that pockets are truly functional.  If you can't fit a snack bar and a knife you need a little more space.  Also, look for a fabric that is breathable and you can run in.  Soon my pretties, that chance meeting with a hottie will look much better.

Many people focus on the negatives of a Zombie Apocalypse.  However, I see nothing but positive.  It is an opportunity for people to come together and make meaningful bonds, learning to live as God intended. Without "Jersey Shore."   It also promotes a healthier lifestyle.  Do you realize all the survivors will have the body of a runner? That is fantastic!  I won't have to join a gym after all.  Yet, the best benefit of the undead walkers... My enemies will be eaten and I will be one step closer to world domination!  MWAH HAHAHA!

Until next week darlings...  be pretty and prepare!

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Big Shout-Out to Jesus!

Welcome to Pretty & Putrid!  Your guide to beauty during the Zombie Apocalypse.  One may argue that in a world of Zombie Apocalypse Preparedness knowing how to survive is key, but I say NAY!  Not only shall we prevail, we shall be hot!  We shall be sexy!  But most importantly, we shall be deadly!

Sure half of you will be bait, but if it makes you feel better, keep reading.  We both know you should go pick up a bottle of brain marinade and get yourself extra tasty, but I'll humor you.  You know who you are...  For the rest, we will provide tips for not only surviving but looking 007-good while doing it.  Beginning November 26th, you will get a different  weekly tip to keep you at your best, even in the toughest of times.  And as a bonus, we will even give you tips to survive!  It's simply smashing!  Really, what good does it do to look good if no one sees you?

Whether brought on by biological warfare, mad scientists, a mutation of the common cold or even some good old fashion voodoo, Zombies are always a possibility.  Jesus taught us this when he brought Lazarus back from the dead.   "Just a taste!" he said.  "This just happened!" he said.  "Watch out!  Next I'll make them hunger for brains!"  But Jesus was a very busy man.  Much to do...

With the ever impending threat of the undead, you better be ready.  But we don't want you to worry.  We're here to help.