Thursday, October 6, 2011

Punch or Be Eaten

We’ve all done it.  A bad day at work, a rude shopper at the grocery store or maybe even some one failed to acknowledge that yield signs exist.  Whatever the situation was, it left you pondering your opponent’s destruction.  But you’re not a barbarian.  You can’t just punch a person in the face and move on with your day.  There are laws and the ever-present fear of imprisonment.  So instead you daydream.  You allow your mind to drift into the blissful escape of a post apocalyptic world. 

Unfortunately, our daydreams are significantly better than real life.  No matter what type of apocalypse you dream up, the chaos that ensues will be nowhere near as controllable as we imagine.  We won’t have an endless supply of ammo.  Our bodies will not be in the best shape of our lives.  Every survivor you meet will not be a nude model.  And to top it off, Red Lobster will not be catering to the survivors.  We will be put into situations we are unfamiliar with, forced to trust strangers and we will have an insatiable hunger for brains.  Lets not kid our selves with silly illusions of a heroic escape.  Most of us do not keep spare batteries for flashlights let alone emergency rations, shotgun shells and iodine pills.  We are certainly not ready for a zombie outbreak.  With out preparation, most of us will be eaten within the first 10 minutes.   Therefore, never exacting our revenge upon our nemesis.

In George A. Romero’s horror classic, Night of the Living Dead, he brilliantly evolved our image and expectations for our deceased brethren.  Thus, allowing for these blissful visions.  He also made us rethink our environment.  Never again will you go to a remote farmhouse in Pennsylvania without thinking “How will I get out of here in case of Zombies.”  Not only that but you constantly survey your surroundings for possible weapon options.  How practical is it really to beat a ghoul with a broken chair leg or create a Molotov cocktail with things collected from your cellar?  But Romero’s shining moment comes in when he gathered a group of strangers together to demonstrate the diverse reactions we have to chaotic situations.  More importantly, 99% of made up statistics point to 97% of people fitting in with one of these movie characters.  Sure, we all want to be the badass lead role with expert ninja skills and great hair but chances are… you’re not. 

So which of these personalities are you?

1.     Ben Huss:  You’re cool, collected and you run the upstairs!  You make logical decisions based on fact not emotion.  You try to think ahead and have a plan.  You’re strong and people respect you’re take charge attitude.  You are a badass and no one will ever live to tell you “you were wrong.”  (Only 5% of the global population can be Ben.)
2.     Barbara:  You immediately go into shock.  You are useless to the group, reverting back to the mentality of a small child.  If not for the heroics of others, you would be done for.  You are irrational, unfocused and petrified.  You are also delicious – a fair assumption as you will most certainly be eaten.
3.     Harry Cooper:  Mr. Cooper is the guy you wanted to punch upon first meeting him.  This whole outbreak happened because you wanted to punch this guy without consequences.  Loud, obnoxious, strong-willed and a crass decision maker.  When pushed to the limit, you cower.  Overly opinionated, irrational and emotional you are much like a poodle.  All bark, no bite.  Chances are you will eventually be punched in the face.  Then eaten.
4.     Helen Cooper:  You are a bright cookie who will speak your mind but not push the limits.  You are compassionate and want what is best for everyone. You are the average.  Although you may not be a badass ninja, you have common sense.   Unfortunately, due to your caring character, you will also most likely be eaten. 
5.     Tom: You want everyone to like you.  You don’t instigate.  You have opinions but you are easily swayed back and forth.  You are eager and always helpful.  You’re a nice kid.  Just a little naïve...  So you will probably be eaten.
6.     Judy:  You are whiny and have bad hair.  You will do your part to assist but question everything without ever offering a useful suggestion.  You are primarily calm, even while complaining. However, when pressures rise, you become frantic and emotions impair your judgment.  This of course will lead you to be eaten.
7.     Karen:  You are just a kid and will most likely be eaten before you grow up to be one of the previous six people.  Chances are you will probably get everyone else killed first.  Congratulations!  You are a liability.  Thanks a lot, kid.

Hopefully, now you can properly identify how you will truly act when your world is turned upside down.  When you drift into your happy place to envision that face punching, you know you are probably not Ben.  While you’re dreaming of whatever impending apocalypse you wish for, you’ll always have that gentle reminder:  you are going to be eaten.

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