Sunday, July 31, 2011

Give Pieces A Chance

If you are like most people, you wish for the hungry brain eating horde of former living hobos to emerge from the dark shadows and prey upon your dimwitted unsuspecting boss... Or perhaps that prick that cut you off on the way to work because they were too busy chatting about their erectile dysfunction to bother putting either the phone or the donut down.  Yes, you see the end as a new beginning.  Good riddance to stupidity and ugly!  We the elite, the ones who have hoped, dreamed and prepared for this day of reckoning shall have the power of first-dead picks!  The prophecy shall be fulfilled!  The dead shall walk and we shall reign supreme!!!  The APOCALYPSE IS NOW!!!!
Alas, we have been foiled again.
Bad driver
This winner is gonna make it!

For some very perplexing reason, those same bastards who we constantly mull over their ability to exist, will manage to survive.  How? They did nothing to prepare for this day.  You may find your self asking how is that asshat blocking the grocers aisle with their twenty kids barely 9 months apart so they can compare the nutritional benefits of the orange kool-aid to the grape allowed to live.  In fact you probably question this often for many special people.  You have probably laid awake for countless nights baffled over the very same question.  We are the finest evolution has to offer and it is obviously threatened by our awesometude.  Therefore, that douche at the top of your street that lets it's dog crap in your yard will be the only other person in your neighborhood to survive.
If this is natural selection obviously nature wants us to fail.
Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, my pretties.  Somehow, it is always those we hate the most that get off easy.  That is why we hate them the most.  But we are all civilized zombie hunters here.  I'm sure we can all get along...

Grinds my gears
You know what Grinds My Gears?  YOU ROY!  
Let's look at the zombies.
You will see within your roaming horde a vast collection of different people, side by side, unanimously craving brains and an appetizer of tender flesh.  The republicans and the democrats.  The muslims and the jews.  Hippies and gun-totting rednecks.  Together!  Their differences aside.  Our decaying friends have joined together for one cause- your thought muscle!  No politics, cliches, or even sport team rivalries, just brains!  Delicious, juicy brains!

I implore you dearest future survivors!  Don't be so rash to chop your nemesis to pieces.  Resist the urge to make a zombie bread-crumb trail with their severed pieces leading to a 15ft  deep zombie pit.  You're being ridiculous!  I cannot argue with the joy brought on by a zombie pit.  It would be a great way to hold them while you leisurely pick them off one by one.  Or even save them for the Zombie Olympics!  But it's an awful thing to do!  Do you have any idea how long it would take to dig a pit that big?  Like you just have an excavator lying around...  Not to mention the sweating and all the filth!  Really, a fully accidental hunting accident would be a much better way to accidentally have an accident.  Nemesis be gone!  By accident, of course.
Zombie map

Now is the time to smile and nod.  Know that soon when the dead walk, our current law enforcement will not be an issue when dealing with problems. Believe me, I regularly call to get the reminder our state does NOT allow conjugal visits.  This alone has kept me from many a felony.  It's important to have your priorities in order.   You may want to be in prison when hell is unleashed... I would rather take one over after.  Why not extend an olive branch to your current adversary and offer them a non-poisonous meatloaf.  Later when the time is right, you can steal their canned goods and feed them to the undead.  Just be patient my darlings.  So until we may exact our revenge upon our unsuspecting foe, stay pretty and prepare!

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Ducky the Zombie Slayer

Dolls are creepy, disturbing and evil.  So please enjoy this little story about our duct tape clad heroine, Ducky the Zombie Slayer.  She protects the playground one "zomgoat" at a time with her trusty knife, while always remaining fashionable.  In a world where doll clothing runs scarce and people are always trying to jack your shit, Ducky prevails with her use of duct tape.  Oh, and she also kicks serious undead goat-ass!


I have always pictured Ducky with the voice of Foofa from Yo Gabba Gabba (aka coolest kids show ever!)  but if you are unfamiliar check out this clip.  It will enhance your experience!  And now, I present to you the ever strange, Ducky the Zombie Slayer!



Ducky scene1


Ducky scene 2

Ducky scene 3

Ducky scene 4

Ducky scene 5

Ducky scene 6

Ducky scene 7

Ducky scene 8

Ducky scene 10

Ducky scene 11


Wow!  Who knew a doll could look so sexy in duct tape while slaying zombie stuffed animals?  Who?  I knew!  That's who!  You are welcome!  So now that you have a new supply of twisted nightmares to keep you awake for the next few weeks, nay, months, I bid you adieu.   Until next time my pretty little survivors, stop your crying and reminiscing of buttons your stuffed bear and remember to stay pretty and prepare!








Saturday, July 16, 2011

A Sticky Subject

If you are like anyone anywhere in a residence or a business, you probably have a roll of Duct Tape near by.  Whether you are a Mr. Fix-it (or Miss...) or just someone trying to keep the engine attached to their car, you have duct tape.  If you are a contractor, Martha Stewart or a serial killer. you have duct tape.  Especially if you are a serial killer, we know you have a few rolls!  I mean the possibilities are endless for you and c'mon!  We know you're not fixing pipes ( I swear, I told no one.)!Most importantly, you should have it in your handy-dandy, hopefully designer, bug-out-bag!
If you were born anytime after World War II and the inception of this crazy must-have, you know how beloved a product it is.  There are books dedicated to it's many applications.  It has evolved from the army green, water-proof Duck Tape, used to keep ammo dry, to the gray Duct Tape synonymous with home repair, to my favorite, neon and print varieties used for keeping things together while still having a good time.   Not only do they have different colors but different grades, including a nuclear grade "certified for low leachable halogens and sulfur."  If Duct tape is good enough for a nuclear power plant, it's good enough for me!  It's only fitting the next evolution would be ZomPoc Preparation.
But Kitty, what would I possibly need to tape a duck for?  Dinner?
What did ZomDuck ever do to you?... besides trying to eat your brains.

No!  You are a bad person!  Pay attention.  First, have you ever tried to bite duct tape? Not rip with your teeth, bite?  It is made of a "high tensile cloth and aggressive adhesive" which translates loosely into the English to mean mutha effin' strong, bitches! A couple layers wrapped around your wrist is a great defense.  Best part, with all these new colors you can make it match your outfit!!  Better yet,  why not make it your outfit?  If toddlers can make sneakers for Nike, you can make a new pair of cargo shorts out of duct tape.  This is especially beneficial if you have been without means to wash your clothes for a few long days.  I guarantee, you will finally have bunch proof panties.
Hang on guys!  This Duct Tape beauty is underage!

Next on the list, tying stuff up.  Weapons, zombies, living breathing attractive people.  You know, stuff.  You may find yourself in a position where you need to secure your belongings in a safe place.  Duct tape with it's weather-proof layer and mega adhesive is unquestionably your best option to prevent any unwanted movement.  It also works well to fashion yourself a nice zombie leash, if you are into keeping them like a pet.  Not to mention, if you find yourself crashing in a deserted residence and you wanna tie your mate to the bed for a little kinky one-on-one time, duct tape is a win.  Remember, 'get off me you crazy bitch' is just part of the role play.  Of course he thinks you're pretty!  If a hormone crazed man, embraced by the arms of passion can't break through the bonds of duct tape, I doubt a brain-dead decaying zombie will have better luck.  An extra layer here or there, with proper adherence might just save your life in the end.

So now you look like a handy-mans vision of Xena Warrior Princess, duct tape bra, wrist bands et al.  Wielding your machete and curling iron side by side with all the other survivors.  And my fine fellows, you have finally embraced your inner desire to be a robot man.  If only the hungry horde was hurling quarters and the random $5 bill at your metallic, hand-made tape hat instead of snapping jaws... Your dream of being a street entertainer would finally be realized!  Alas, there are competing robot-men at your side trying to get your cut.  Set yourself apart so you get all the quarters.  Start by customizing your weapons.  Grab that neon pink roll to wrap around your bladed weapons handle.  And my I also suggest, using it to mark any throwing knives, tomahawks or arrows that you need to retrieve.  Those buggers can be a bitch to find!  This will however alter the weight of the weapon so be sure to practice to accommodate for the difference.  Now learn how to make music with your hands.
I fix things good.

I may have forgotten to mention, duct tape is great for fixing things.  I feel that's obvious but just incase pretty is all you have going for you, I'll spell it out.  Tape holds things together.  Duct tape can also be used to fix a small leak or hold a bandage on your head.  You will also find, using this sticky wonder to write warning signs to other wandering warriors on walls will be easier then that trusty bic you carry. "Stay out!  This town is MINE" will be clear to every passer-by!
Now my pretties, go forth and pack!  Choose a suitable color or two and make sure this prodigious tape never leaves your side.  So as always my darling little gumdrops, stay pretty and prepare!