Monday, December 19, 2011

The Most Wonderful Time of the BLAH, BLAH, BLAH!

Happy Hellidays everyone!

Yay!  Christmas!  I will eat your soul.

The time of year in which we pretend to care about those around us has arrived.  We waste our time saying things like "I'm so thankful for you and for turkey" while we think "I'm so thankful you got me a sammich.   Now I don't have to polish my backhand!"   Don't forget some damned mashed potatoes.   I effin' love mashed potatoes so you better already KNOW I want some!  Yes, we are so considerate and loving to those around us.  We shower them with kind and heartfelt gestures if only for the satisfaction of the soul...  and for the presents they will give us.

Oh wait...  No, I don't believe... nope, that never happened.  Just like the end of the world in October or May or September of '94 and May of '88.  All of that didn't happen.  I still want mashed potatoes, too.  Yet, that's not happening either.  Polishing the back of my hand may remind you of my missing sammich, also.   But one thing really should happen: the Zombie Apocalypse.  Let me tell you why...

1. Bitches Don't say Please!  At some point we abandoned manners as a society.  We then replaced our former glorious etiquette with an undeserved sense of entitlement.  I think living on the brink of death in an apocalyptic world is just what we need to remind us that nobody owes you anything.  Except pie.  You owe me pie.  And in exchange, I will say "thank you."

2. Nobody knows what a yield sign is!  I could spend hours talking about the driving flaws of most people and my general hatred of anybody behind the wheel.  However, one thing grinds my gears more than any other:  Failure to yield.  In short, "yield" does not mean drive faster and expect others to stop for you.  My hope is that during the zompoc, these people continue to ignore this very basic instruction and become some salivating dead thing's lunch.  

3.  Rachael Ray

4.  Overpopulation!  This is a very obvious reason.  Nowadays, there are easily 25 hookers to 1 John.  With odds like that how's a ho gonna make some do'?  This surplus of bedtime-seducers has not only crowded the street corner, but created a scarcity of skimpy clothing.  Reclaim your turf; let the virus free... no, not that virus!
line outside Tramps-R-Us

5.  Shits and Giggles!  I'm gonna be honest with you.  It would just make me happy.  I would like to put my survival training to use; I like a challenge.  Especially a challenge that does not involve me going to work and allows me to take out my aggression on others... accidentally.  Many people are only alive because my man-meat reminds me about jail and morals.  Once Z-Day comes, those things won't matter anymore and I will freely unleash my wrath.  More importantly, I will still look good while doing it.

While some may think this is a silly list of petty reasons, I see this as a need for destruction.  The wise will agree and swear allegiance now, while the fools will be used as feed for the undead masses.  Choose wisely my pretties.  This list is ever growing and our z-day is imminent... once I get the formula.  So until then, stay pretty and prepare!

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Justin Bieber Son of Satan? Maybe Just Patient Zero

After hours of intense scientific study, I have discovered the origin of the impending Zombie Apocalypse.  My Pretty Survivors!  It is upon us!  Brace yourself for this serious revelation.

"Bieber Fever."

 Don't act surprised.  We all knew there was something wrong with this kid...

But why, you ask... Well, being that this is super sciency and such, this may be difficult for the non-super sciency people to follow.  So pay attention.

Little Justin Bieber wants to be a zombie.   Wants to be a zombie!  That's a little suspect of a teen pop star.  Sure, he just wants a cameo on a must-watch show but it still raises red flags.  The standard fan of the zombie empire is at the farthest possible point away from Bieber on the spectrum.  His crossover role would set the world off it's axis sending us spinning into a fiery blaze of death and destruction.  Ending in the Zombie Apocalypse.

To continue, "Bieber Fever" sounds like an evolutionary strain of the Bubonic Plague. It's no coincidence that listening to his music is known to cause painfully swollen glands, high fevers and seizures.  In fact, it is a masterful way to spread infection.  Pop music is everywhere, whether we like it or not.  It's just as infectious as this deadly plague.  You try to have a pleasant evening with the girls and the next thing you know, you're dancing on a table singing ...ahem... screaming the words to whatever Gaga song is in rotation.  You are driven to drink more and hate yourself in the morning, all the while wondering how you knew the words in the first place.  Could it be Satan is behind all pop music?  Perhaps, allowing his own son to top the charts, brainwashing the youth to be stupid.... er... stupider.  Why else would lyrics like "I'm talking about everybody getting crunk, crunk, Boys tryin' to touch my junk, junk, Gonna smack him if he getting too drunk, drunk" be in rotation?  Devil made 'em do it.  Kesha is crap.
"Lordy, Lordy!  He gave me the plague!!!... and i think herpes."
Maybe you are still not convinced.  Well, you are obviously broken.  Most hear of the bubonic plague and think the Black Death!  Yet, this particular rampage of death and misery was documented far sooner than the 1300's. Yea, check out this history lesson.  6th century, bitches!  Enter The Plague of Justinian!  Notice the name?  Justinian?... Justin... Bieber Fever!  Not only did Justin Bieber create a pandemic that killed millions of people centuries before he was even born,  he did it with something that causes hand necrosis, a common trait associated with the Plague of Justinian. 
A little 'tussin would probably clear that right up.
If you missed it, HAND NECROSIS.  The tissue on the hand is dead.  Like a dead person. But you are still alive.  Like a zombie.  I see this as nothing more than a failed attempt to bring forth the end of days.  Don't worry, he has had plenty of time to get it right...

Now, my darling survivors, we are closer than ever before.  It's obvious through all my scientific sciency tests, that this teeny-bop, mop-head is somehow involved with the prince of darkness. In exchange for fame and access to underage girls he gets the perfect plague.  Why else would anyone claim they are impregnated with his child?  The antidote.  In exchange for a little hush-hush and a promise to keep his cover, they get the cure. 
I'm gonna get you!

In review:  Zombie Bieber > Bieber Fever > Bubonic Plague > Plague of Justinian > Hand Necrosis > Zombie Apocalypse.   You are welcome.

It is time to go forth in the world and spread the word.  Warn those you like and laugh at those you don't.  This holiday, give the gift that causes undeath: pop music.   You now know the truth and have the power to save the world or allow it to be destroyed.  Choose wisely and until this hellish fire is unleashed upon us, stay pretty and prepare!

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Holly Jolly Creepy Yarny

Darling Divas (and Devos) of Darkness!   Now that we have stuffed ourselves like the turkeys we may have consumed, it is time to waddle to our electronic devices of inter-webbery, and do some shopping.  But just because the rest of the world is decked out in Santa hats and gawdy sweaters, doesn't mean the creepy and fantastic in life needs to be stored in the closet.  In fact we should be searching for the superb combination of twisted and titillating.  The ghastly and gorgeous!  And most of all, the  creepy and cuddly.   Unfortunately, most of us are lazy or don't know where to begin.  Mostly lazy.  Never fear my pretties!  I've already found the answer...
"blarggggah! nom, nom, nom...."
 Oh the bliss on Christmas morn' when your lover of horror opens one of Kim Sofia's custom creepys!  Picture the twinkle in their eyes... The fear in your in-laws... What joy!
"WE'RE GONNA GET YA!... and smother you with love"
Kim's Sticks and Strings provides more than just a twisted variety of nostalgic cuddles.  You can get "normal" goodies as well... but I don't see the point in that.  Kim specializes in unique creations that cause you to find the warm and fuzzy parts of your creepy loving heart.  The best part is anything you can dream up she can spawn out of yarn.  See yourself as a yarn god of zombies?  Perhaps, an undead movie icon?  She can produce.  
Fabulous custom creations!
As I do believe Kim to be my long lost sister from another mister who also happens to have a different mother, I needed to know more.  What goes on within the cranium of a goddess of yarn?   I wonder...

1. What first inspired you to go creepy?  I have always loved creepy, I watched all the old 50s & 60s horror movies, and loved each and every rubber monster...when I was a kid I used to go to the library and get all the horror books I could and take them out to a "fort" and read them...creepy has always been my favorite, every time I see a cute doll/toy, I instantly wonder what it would look like with blood or tentacles or after an accident... I got hand-me-down barbies from my step-dad's friends and many were handless and footless, and I made up stories for why they were the way they were and made a daily soap opera...

2. Do you name your creations? Fear them, perhaps?  I don't name them.   Prittay was "little evil Kitty" but i usually just call them "dear creepy one" since they will probably get a new name, i don't want them to imprint on me much since they will be leaving.
Meet Prittay!  The official Pretty & Putrid custom creepy.  I love her to pieces!

3. Have they made it into your dreams? And if so was it a dirty dream or more like inception?  I have dreamt about them, there's always a pseudo-puppet master scene where they are moving/crawling/lurching around me, moving chairs for me to sit in...and a few "normal" dolls get ruined in the dream, and they always like to creep around sleeping people...

4. Are they part of a master plan for world domination? If so what's the plan and will I be spared?  They're not really part of world domination, but I do like to think of them as a line of defense in z-poc.  In my dreams, they turn away the zombies from where I and other "owners" are --they tell the baddies "there's nothing good here"

5. Besides Prittay, do you have a fav?  I love Prittay so much, wanted her to really look like you, take on some specific you-ness, but I really like what i call "the torsos"--varying degrees of head, torso, and zombie mythos, you have to remove the brain, so if you take off the legs, they still want brains, they just have to drag themselves and lurch along, i LOVE that!
"look ma! No legs!"

6. What kind of sleeper skills do your creepys posses?   They love to be held and cuddled, so an innate ability to make you want to pick them up, AND THEN, they love you to play with them, make the creepy sounds, give them a voice.  So once you're enchanted enough to pick them up, then they take over a bit more and suddenly you're playing with them...they kind of take you to a place between childhood play, and adult love of horror...they've been known to move when you're not looking.  Often just to a more comfortable position, but if there is something in front of them, blocking YOUR view of THEM, they will knock things about to get your first look.

7. Do you prefer to come up with your own creation or to make a custom order?  I have an infinite number of zombies in my head, so while i love to come up with a whole little village, I love when someone asks me to make a zombie of my head its like asking me to help drag a bit of creepiness out of them so they can see of my first custom orders was a co-worker asking me to make zombies of her and her husband for his new desk at his new job for Valentines day....what says love more than a zombie of you and your spouse?

8. If you were to be paid in spider legs, how many would it take to get one of these babies?  EeEe, well, I'd have to be paid in super long or super hairy legs, probably 2 dozen really big spiders would have to lose all their legs...

9. Any special rituals involved in the preparation? (do you have to watch porn while eating pig livers before you can make one? Or do you need to add a toenail clipping from a lost orphan to your secret shrine ? anything we need to know?)  No real rituals.   I need good horror movies with screams and blood and death really early in the film.   I usually make the head and then the eyes so they can watch me while I make them.   They talk to me while I do it, "no, longer arms" "lots more blood please" "can I please hold a bit of brain?"

Hopefully in the future, our children will play with creepys in their creepy playset, complete with unfortunate victims.  No zombie lovers collection is complete without a creepy (or two.. hint, hint!) so contact Kim at or visit Kim's Sticks and Strings on Facebook.  Remember, the creepy compliments all winter holiday celebrations as well as Valentine's Day, Groundhog Day, Birthdays, Anniversaries and I'm-Sorry-I-Ate-Your-Cat days.  Now dream, my little pretties, and see what glorious creation awaits for you!

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

A.A.A. – Attrition Addicts Anonymous

Warfare is an ugly truth. It’s a truth that has been an integral part of human existence as long as there has been an existence to be had. When the first Neanderthal bopped his lady on the head with a club in order to engage in primitive foreplay – war was there. When the Church got all pissy and sent guys in bitchin’ armor across the land to spread the word of the Lord – war was there. When those patriots hopped aboard a docked ship and turned the Boston Harbor into a big cup of monarchy-defiant tea – war was there. When American’s united against a confusing and heat-tolerant enemy they were destined to never really understand – war was there. So when death lost its shit and couldn’t keep people in the ground – yeah, war was there.

Acceptable foreplay to this day.

It is all of this that makes me surprised we didn’t see it coming. After centuries of going at each other in ways that justify apes looking at us with judgmental monkey eyes, how could we not? Every day I thought to myself that zombies are exactly what this broken place needed. War shifted from a massive, nation-altering affair to a daily battle of Joe Schmo against Joe Fuckass. If something so horrible could be assimilated into daily life, then our kind was ripe for a smoten!

Modern Warefare.

If you are reading this and think, “God damn this guy is jaded! Maybe someone should alert the police to this potentially hostile man!” Then jokes on you! Because you’re probably being eaten or have the skin tone that only lividity can appreciate. Jaded is just another way to say ‘realistic’. It’s the jaded ones that understood the punch line behind a Zombie Apocalypse: the only way people could be reminded they are human beings was to have global devastation wrought by the chattering teeth of something inhuman. The moral of the story is, when the dead rose up to feast on the living – you bet your ass war was there!

The Zombie War isn’t actually all that different from other wars. Don’t believe me? Read a damn book! World War I consisted of men fighting tooth and nail for weeks on end to gain inches on the battle field. World War II was the first to feature the tactic of launching the biggest bombs you can find in copious levels in order to bring the enemy to their knees. Armies of the world developed a little thing called attrition. What’s that you say?
Attrition Warfare – a military strategy in which a belligerent side attempts to win a war be wearing down its enemy to the point of collapse through continuous losses in personnel and material. [1] (Citation 1 –
Wikipedia – a website used by high school students to not do real research and the probable cause of the Zombie Apocalypse. [2] (Citation 2 – unknown… probably the Bible or something)

The Fifth Horseman of the Apocalypse.

During the Vietnam War, American’s perfected the implementation of Attrition Warfare. Jungles and villages were blanketed with napalm in the hopes of neutralizing a handful of guerilla fighters. It was, and IS, a horrendous action that ultimately didn’t work. So this history lesson is showing you that Attrition Warfare was a terrible thing, right? No dumb ass! Look outside. See the zombies around you? Yeah, that’s what I thought. Now think back to the Vietnam War. Imagine being a Vietcong fighter in a tunnel under the jungle. You’re just doing your thing eating something with chopsticks then BAM! The forest is on fire and your rice is overcooked. See what I’m getting at here? Humanity has become the guerilla fighters and the undead are the ones tooling around in shiny, fire-breathing airplanes.

Deadly distraction.

History has taught us that Attrition Warfare may be terrible, but it sorta works. Sure the Vietnam War didn’t really pan out that great. And sure the hammering given to Iraq during the first Gulf War still allowed for another Gulf War. But those were against a foe that looked at the side with the big guns and were able to extend a middle finger in appreciation. Now our foe is everywhere. They are relentless. And they are HUNGRY. Most of all, they are dumb as shit. Let’s give them the finger back and wiggle it in a teasing fashion above their snapping mouths.

It’s time to fight mass extinction with some family friendly displays of over-the-top violence. We need a little attrition in this war more than ever.  They have endless numbers and we have… day dreams. So embrace the jaded, inner-workplace hazard you were before Z-Day came and use it. This is the golden opportunity to become an addict of excessive brutality.

"Hi my name is _____ and I have an addiction... want to fight about it?"

There’s no shame in going out there and embellishing your anger at the end of a blade or the cone of a bullet. Don’t be stupid though. If you go too far, by the time you realize you’ve reached the level of needing a support group… there is no coming back. I don’t mean this like, “you’re a lost cause like Lindsey Lohan in a pharmacy”. What I mean is that if you need to confess you’re an attrition addict to a group of other addicts then you’re likely in a situation of imminent death. They won’t talk about this in the history books because addicts won’t leave anyone to write about you.

So grab your blade, brush your teeth, and load your guns because war is here. War also isn’t going anywhere. The only difference is now you can go ahead and embellish your inner-mass murderer. After the zombie apocalypse mass murderers are also called badass heroes. Zombies aren’t alive so it isn’t really murder anyway – it’s a necessity of war. And for those of you who cry about, “Zombies were people too!” I say shut the hell up, hippie. I’m an Attrition Addict who is more than happy to use you as bait!

Because Oral Hygiene is important regardless of what might be trying to eat you.

Keep fighting survivors. And for the love of God, crack a smile while you're doing it!


Thursday, October 6, 2011

Punch or Be Eaten

We’ve all done it.  A bad day at work, a rude shopper at the grocery store or maybe even some one failed to acknowledge that yield signs exist.  Whatever the situation was, it left you pondering your opponent’s destruction.  But you’re not a barbarian.  You can’t just punch a person in the face and move on with your day.  There are laws and the ever-present fear of imprisonment.  So instead you daydream.  You allow your mind to drift into the blissful escape of a post apocalyptic world. 

Unfortunately, our daydreams are significantly better than real life.  No matter what type of apocalypse you dream up, the chaos that ensues will be nowhere near as controllable as we imagine.  We won’t have an endless supply of ammo.  Our bodies will not be in the best shape of our lives.  Every survivor you meet will not be a nude model.  And to top it off, Red Lobster will not be catering to the survivors.  We will be put into situations we are unfamiliar with, forced to trust strangers and we will have an insatiable hunger for brains.  Lets not kid our selves with silly illusions of a heroic escape.  Most of us do not keep spare batteries for flashlights let alone emergency rations, shotgun shells and iodine pills.  We are certainly not ready for a zombie outbreak.  With out preparation, most of us will be eaten within the first 10 minutes.   Therefore, never exacting our revenge upon our nemesis.

In George A. Romero’s horror classic, Night of the Living Dead, he brilliantly evolved our image and expectations for our deceased brethren.  Thus, allowing for these blissful visions.  He also made us rethink our environment.  Never again will you go to a remote farmhouse in Pennsylvania without thinking “How will I get out of here in case of Zombies.”  Not only that but you constantly survey your surroundings for possible weapon options.  How practical is it really to beat a ghoul with a broken chair leg or create a Molotov cocktail with things collected from your cellar?  But Romero’s shining moment comes in when he gathered a group of strangers together to demonstrate the diverse reactions we have to chaotic situations.  More importantly, 99% of made up statistics point to 97% of people fitting in with one of these movie characters.  Sure, we all want to be the badass lead role with expert ninja skills and great hair but chances are… you’re not. 

So which of these personalities are you?

1.     Ben Huss:  You’re cool, collected and you run the upstairs!  You make logical decisions based on fact not emotion.  You try to think ahead and have a plan.  You’re strong and people respect you’re take charge attitude.  You are a badass and no one will ever live to tell you “you were wrong.”  (Only 5% of the global population can be Ben.)
2.     Barbara:  You immediately go into shock.  You are useless to the group, reverting back to the mentality of a small child.  If not for the heroics of others, you would be done for.  You are irrational, unfocused and petrified.  You are also delicious – a fair assumption as you will most certainly be eaten.
3.     Harry Cooper:  Mr. Cooper is the guy you wanted to punch upon first meeting him.  This whole outbreak happened because you wanted to punch this guy without consequences.  Loud, obnoxious, strong-willed and a crass decision maker.  When pushed to the limit, you cower.  Overly opinionated, irrational and emotional you are much like a poodle.  All bark, no bite.  Chances are you will eventually be punched in the face.  Then eaten.
4.     Helen Cooper:  You are a bright cookie who will speak your mind but not push the limits.  You are compassionate and want what is best for everyone. You are the average.  Although you may not be a badass ninja, you have common sense.   Unfortunately, due to your caring character, you will also most likely be eaten. 
5.     Tom: You want everyone to like you.  You don’t instigate.  You have opinions but you are easily swayed back and forth.  You are eager and always helpful.  You’re a nice kid.  Just a little naïve...  So you will probably be eaten.
6.     Judy:  You are whiny and have bad hair.  You will do your part to assist but question everything without ever offering a useful suggestion.  You are primarily calm, even while complaining. However, when pressures rise, you become frantic and emotions impair your judgment.  This of course will lead you to be eaten.
7.     Karen:  You are just a kid and will most likely be eaten before you grow up to be one of the previous six people.  Chances are you will probably get everyone else killed first.  Congratulations!  You are a liability.  Thanks a lot, kid.

Hopefully, now you can properly identify how you will truly act when your world is turned upside down.  When you drift into your happy place to envision that face punching, you know you are probably not Ben.  While you’re dreaming of whatever impending apocalypse you wish for, you’ll always have that gentle reminder:  you are going to be eaten.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

A Serious Discussion

I'm sure many of you think we at Pretty & Putrid believe the zombie apocalypse is nothing more than a laughing matter.  Us with our jokes and our silly little antics for surviving off of someone else's  hard work and well honed skills.  I wanted to take this opportunity to first point out we have provided many real tips.  We just hid them within each post.  Much like dumpster diving, somewhere amongst the rubbish and broken eggshells is a 1/4 eaten big mac completely protected by it's wrapper... still warm!   (Or if you are a zombie reading this, much like fondling the insides of a half eaten corpse only to find the brain is still intact!  Glorious, stupid brain!)  Second,  Pretty & Putrid is very serious.  To show how serious about seriousness we are, we are gonna focus on a very serious topic.  Seriously.  No funny haha, shit your pants, "I can't believe this chick isn't institutionalized" jokes.  Just a serious talk about super serious stuff.  Comic books.

Comiccon sticker
There are 4.3million comics printed daily and only 5 that people know exist (fact checked by YO MAMMA! Google it, bitches!).  I myself, only knew of the 5 until recently when I went to The Baltimore Comic Con and learned not only is there a shit-ton more but a lot of fat chicks dressed like Catwoman.  Where a lesser person with no shame would focus on the glorious costumes and mock the failed attempts at fitting in, we are taking the high road.  So now to share some of my Zombielicious, mentally disturbed finds that exist beyond the glory of Batman and The Walking Dead with you all!

Everyone knows the story of Rick Grimes and his quest for both survival and his family after awaking alone in a post-apocalyptic world.  With police training and the remainder of his stations armory he embarks upon the story we are so addicted to.   But what of the other side?  What if our Government tried to find a cure for the mutation?  What if they injected the virus and their "cure" into their top soldiers?  And what if it didn't work ... except for one.  Enter Tommy Zombie.  He survived, but not how they planned.  He hates the moaners.  destroys the ones who cross his path.  He thinks and talks and he loves brains!  "Tommy Zombie" is Slackjaw Comics premier comic and takes on a gory and well drawn story of this loan survivor. It's a unique a vision and with only the first issue available, has already managed to create a longing for more.  Check out the Slackjaw website to snag your copy of this newbie in the comic world.

Shapeimage 3
I must admit, I never thought I would be attending a convention of comic books let alone, telling people to check them out.  I will tell you one book in particular changed my life.  I was beckoned to one vender with something shiny, I'm sure, and a hey you.  I had thus far weaved in and around numerous Superheroes and Stormtroopers, with and without pants, hopelessly searching for any bit of belonging in an otherwise "wholesome" world. Little did I know this moment would lead to the happiest moment of my trip.
DSC 0129
Holy Trouser-Press Batman!  Gotham has been pant-napped!

"Do you have a dark sense of humor?"
"Do Pimps smack Hoes?"
"Read this."
So I then began to read the greatest book to ever combine the Boogie Man, an aborted fetus, and a girl scout.  It was brilliant.  I now recommend everybody who finds enjoyment in the sick, twisted, disturbing and beautifully grotesque check out Arsenic Lullaby and buy a second copy for your most prudish friend.  More importantly, don't ever tell your kids the Boogie Man does not exist.  Writer and Illustrator, Douglas Paszkiewicz has gained a very loyal fan for life.  Not only that, he has convinced me that there are many more people like me out there.  I am not crazy.  If you do not check out Arsenic Lullaby you are a wacktard (so says the crazy lady!).
CCITDD online
With delight in my heart, I continued through the convention.  I was no longer bitter with my man-meat for dragging me here.  I felt like I was part of something bigger.  Something amazing!  The world is filled with a glorious morbid wonder and i like it!

Convinced that more twisted treats awaited the aisles of the convention, my whale-penis* husband and I continued our search...*dork.  However, our next discovery caused both confusion and tummy giggles.
DSC 0038

Meet the Krayola Krew.  This 5-piece crayon box dress as neon colored condoms to prevent procreation in Baltimore.  One glimpse of these brightly colored douchteens will provide an ample amount of fear to deter you from potentially bringing more re-cock-ulous douchery into this world.  I bet their parents are real proud.

Now that my ovaries had shriveled up and were trying to claw there way out of my body, we began searching for more substance.  We found a very hefty, possibly sweaty Dr.Doom.
DSC 0048

I then began to fear when I realized Darth Vader and Kick-Ass had joined forces.

DSC 0021
"Something, something DARK SIDE... join us!"

To make matters worse, Optimus Prime had turned on humanity.

DSC 0062
"Nobody move or the kid gets it!"

I wanted to ask Batman for help but he had united with Gothams most evil of villains.
DSC 0027
Isn't that your mother in the gas mask?

Was there any hope left for a zombie-loving fiend in a comic book world?  Two darling little angels seemed to think so.  They guided us to a most enjoyable of discussions.

DSC 0036
"Come with us if you want to eat brains."

Around the corner discussing the benefits of blades vs. bullets was Alfredo Torres.  Each week, Torres contemplates this and other great questions facing a survivalist on his podcast Torres vs. Zombies.

Where will you go?  How will you get there?  A crowbar?  A bat?  Of course, we immediately felt at home in this discussion.  My brilliant, soon-to-be-published writer-of-The Reaper Virus husband had much to add to the conversation.  Soon, he was holding a mic in his hand and enjoying his first interview.  Oh my friend... I'm sure you are curious as to what was said in that interview... go here! It's a lovely listen!   To think!  If not for two little creepy zombie girls who never, EVER smiled ever, we would have missed this audible gem!   Torres vs. Zombies makes a great addition to the life of any prepared zombie survivalist.  (It is however, lacking in the post-apocalyptic beauty department... )

With both of us pleased with our Baltimore Comic-Con experience, we called it a day.  Time to return with our zombie treasures and unleash them upon the world.  It is my hope that you benefited from this very serious discussion.  Don't be ashamed.  Grab a comic and enjoy.  No one is going to call you a nerd... to your face!   Until next time, stay pretty and prepare.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Something that has NOTHING to do with ME

So there I was, ouija board out, trying to summon the ghost of a dead housekeeper to put my clothes away.  After many failed attempts, I decided there must be an easier way.  Day laborers at the Home Depot?  No, no, then I must pay them to do the work that I birthed children to do for free.  Damn labor laws...Kids need to get to work! I could wait till my mexican Sister-in-law visits...  Then everything would be clean AND I'd get tacos!  Best option yet!  But I don't want to wait...

Ouija board
"Oh Ouija, who will make my tacos and clean my house?"

While pondering over my cleaning predicament, I thought there must be an easier way to write these posts.  Maybe a humorous guide exists with tips on surviving the zombie apocalypse for the every-man...  Maybe I can steal excerpts and pretend that I am a the genius that created it....  Oh the laughs I could create!  What a glorious Mutha-Sugah it would be!

I then decided to check Facebook because, like everyone else, I am addicted to voyeurism and cute kitten videos.  After a moment of scrolling I happened upon such a guide.  Not only with witty antics but with amazingly drawn art.  Eureka! I could steal the story and the pics! It doesn't get any easier than copy and paste.  The little square next to the link tells me my meal ticket is provided courtesy of Rigor Mortis. Suckers!  I'll mention them casually in a conversation to keep the ju-ju good.  My hair can not take being struck by lightning. I knew this book of faces would come in handy!

"40 pages of end of the world fun!" they boast.  But can these zinesters deliver goods worth ripping off for my own selfish benefit?  Oh they can...
Zedsample 1
Possibly the sexiest Disaster related cover ever.

Presenting Z.E.D. Zombies! Emergencies! Disasters! Yea... That's a sexy cover!  I drew that (I didn't).  You wanna see what I'm wearing underneath?

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Kindling! Toilet Paper!  Dietary Fiber!  I love re-purposed things...

Oh yeaaaaaaaa...  I'm so clever too!  (I'm not!  I had nothing to do with this!  This is an off shoot from the Rigor Mortis team.)  I would describe this project as a "little taste of comic goodness you can read in between playing 'Guess the Appendage' of your long blown up neighbors, evading cannibals (living and dead), and wondering if Stan Lee will manage a cameo in the afterlife."  Wow, I couldn't of said it better myself.  I mean... sigh...

The Rigor Mortis collective have risen from the darkest depths to present Zombie and Horror loving goodness to the masses.   With 4 'zines already available and a 5th on the way, they have taken a slight detour to present a twisted and entertaining look on surviving in the post-apocalypic world.

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These were drawn with Pretty & Putrid in mind... (no they weren't!)

By now you have probably realized that I had nothing to do with this project.  You are also curious as to where you can acquire this saucy bit of talent.  I know these things.  Z.E.D. is not yet available in the papery goodness but Rigor Mortis is offering a downloadable sampler.  Click here!You can now select the file for download.  When your eye sockets have had their fill of putrid delight, head over to order more from this ensemble.  Your survival depends upon it.

So to recap:  1. Z.E.D. Zombies! Emergencies! Disasters!, you need to read it.  2. You can go to or 3. I still need to clean my house and write my own posts.  So darlings, don't miss out on this opportunity to enlighten your HORRORble, loving mind and miss out on an important bit of knowledge for your survival.  So as always, stay pretty and prepare.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

I Smell Dead People

WARNING: This post is potentially offensive to the anosmic.  Google it bitches!

I bet Zombie blood smells heavily of failure and broken dreams.  Not something you really want lingering on you as the world ends.  Permeating your clothes with it's unliving stank.  Forcing you to check your pits every time you're left alone.  Unless Tide is still driving that portable disaster relief truck around, anything you get on your clothes will most likely remain there.
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Boogers.  Another hidden threat to your nose.

Allow me to recommend a certified not-real Pretty & Putrid, grade-A splatter resistant poncho!  For all your undead muck and gut needs!  This handy, dandy plastic garb is clear to show off your finest ensemble while keeping unwanted  grossness from turning you into a walking PETA protest.  It also makes every outfit practical.  Add a belt for a form fitting enhancement.  With the P&P Poncho you will always look your best.  Unless your ugly.  Then you would just be an ugly in a rain poncho.
Wait for it...


Keep scrolling...

Whoomp!  There it is!

Naked fat lady
Wamp-waaaah...At least her clothes will stay dry!... oh... nevermind

I hope that image made you spit out your latte.  That "Venti 1 pump caramel, 1 pump white mocha, 2 scoops vanilla bean powder, extra ice frappuccino with 2 shots poured over the top (affogato style) with caramel drizzle under and on top of the whipped cream, double cupped" drink will be a forgotten luxury during the ZomPoc!   Enjoy and as always stay pretty and prepare!