Wednesday, September 28, 2011

A Serious Discussion

I'm sure many of you think we at Pretty & Putrid believe the zombie apocalypse is nothing more than a laughing matter.  Us with our jokes and our silly little antics for surviving off of someone else's  hard work and well honed skills.  I wanted to take this opportunity to first point out we have provided many real tips.  We just hid them within each post.  Much like dumpster diving, somewhere amongst the rubbish and broken eggshells is a 1/4 eaten big mac completely protected by it's wrapper... still warm!   (Or if you are a zombie reading this, much like fondling the insides of a half eaten corpse only to find the brain is still intact!  Glorious, stupid brain!)  Second,  Pretty & Putrid is very serious.  To show how serious about seriousness we are, we are gonna focus on a very serious topic.  Seriously.  No funny haha, shit your pants, "I can't believe this chick isn't institutionalized" jokes.  Just a serious talk about super serious stuff.  Comic books.

Comiccon sticker
There are 4.3million comics printed daily and only 5 that people know exist (fact checked by YO MAMMA! Google it, bitches!).  I myself, only knew of the 5 until recently when I went to The Baltimore Comic Con and learned not only is there a shit-ton more but a lot of fat chicks dressed like Catwoman.  Where a lesser person with no shame would focus on the glorious costumes and mock the failed attempts at fitting in, we are taking the high road.  So now to share some of my Zombielicious, mentally disturbed finds that exist beyond the glory of Batman and The Walking Dead with you all!

Everyone knows the story of Rick Grimes and his quest for both survival and his family after awaking alone in a post-apocalyptic world.  With police training and the remainder of his stations armory he embarks upon the story we are so addicted to.   But what of the other side?  What if our Government tried to find a cure for the mutation?  What if they injected the virus and their "cure" into their top soldiers?  And what if it didn't work ... except for one.  Enter Tommy Zombie.  He survived, but not how they planned.  He hates the moaners.  destroys the ones who cross his path.  He thinks and talks and he loves brains!  "Tommy Zombie" is Slackjaw Comics premier comic and takes on a gory and well drawn story of this loan survivor. It's a unique a vision and with only the first issue available, has already managed to create a longing for more.  Check out the Slackjaw website to snag your copy of this newbie in the comic world.

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I must admit, I never thought I would be attending a convention of comic books let alone, telling people to check them out.  I will tell you one book in particular changed my life.  I was beckoned to one vender with something shiny, I'm sure, and a hey you.  I had thus far weaved in and around numerous Superheroes and Stormtroopers, with and without pants, hopelessly searching for any bit of belonging in an otherwise "wholesome" world. Little did I know this moment would lead to the happiest moment of my trip.
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Holy Trouser-Press Batman!  Gotham has been pant-napped!

"Do you have a dark sense of humor?"
"Do Pimps smack Hoes?"
"Read this."
So I then began to read the greatest book to ever combine the Boogie Man, an aborted fetus, and a girl scout.  It was brilliant.  I now recommend everybody who finds enjoyment in the sick, twisted, disturbing and beautifully grotesque check out Arsenic Lullaby and buy a second copy for your most prudish friend.  More importantly, don't ever tell your kids the Boogie Man does not exist.  Writer and Illustrator, Douglas Paszkiewicz has gained a very loyal fan for life.  Not only that, he has convinced me that there are many more people like me out there.  I am not crazy.  If you do not check out Arsenic Lullaby you are a wacktard (so says the crazy lady!).
CCITDD online
With delight in my heart, I continued through the convention.  I was no longer bitter with my man-meat for dragging me here.  I felt like I was part of something bigger.  Something amazing!  The world is filled with a glorious morbid wonder and i like it!

Convinced that more twisted treats awaited the aisles of the convention, my whale-penis* husband and I continued our search...*dork.  However, our next discovery caused both confusion and tummy giggles.
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Meet the Krayola Krew.  This 5-piece crayon box dress as neon colored condoms to prevent procreation in Baltimore.  One glimpse of these brightly colored douchteens will provide an ample amount of fear to deter you from potentially bringing more re-cock-ulous douchery into this world.  I bet their parents are real proud.

Now that my ovaries had shriveled up and were trying to claw there way out of my body, we began searching for more substance.  We found a very hefty, possibly sweaty Dr.Doom.
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I then began to fear when I realized Darth Vader and Kick-Ass had joined forces.

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"Something, something DARK SIDE... join us!"

To make matters worse, Optimus Prime had turned on humanity.

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"Nobody move or the kid gets it!"

I wanted to ask Batman for help but he had united with Gothams most evil of villains.
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Isn't that your mother in the gas mask?

Was there any hope left for a zombie-loving fiend in a comic book world?  Two darling little angels seemed to think so.  They guided us to a most enjoyable of discussions.

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"Come with us if you want to eat brains."

Around the corner discussing the benefits of blades vs. bullets was Alfredo Torres.  Each week, Torres contemplates this and other great questions facing a survivalist on his podcast Torres vs. Zombies.

Where will you go?  How will you get there?  A crowbar?  A bat?  Of course, we immediately felt at home in this discussion.  My brilliant, soon-to-be-published writer-of-The Reaper Virus husband had much to add to the conversation.  Soon, he was holding a mic in his hand and enjoying his first interview.  Oh my friend... I'm sure you are curious as to what was said in that interview... go here! It's a lovely listen!   To think!  If not for two little creepy zombie girls who never, EVER smiled ever, we would have missed this audible gem!   Torres vs. Zombies makes a great addition to the life of any prepared zombie survivalist.  (It is however, lacking in the post-apocalyptic beauty department... )

With both of us pleased with our Baltimore Comic-Con experience, we called it a day.  Time to return with our zombie treasures and unleash them upon the world.  It is my hope that you benefited from this very serious discussion.  Don't be ashamed.  Grab a comic and enjoy.  No one is going to call you a nerd... to your face!   Until next time, stay pretty and prepare.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Something that has NOTHING to do with ME

So there I was, ouija board out, trying to summon the ghost of a dead housekeeper to put my clothes away.  After many failed attempts, I decided there must be an easier way.  Day laborers at the Home Depot?  No, no, then I must pay them to do the work that I birthed children to do for free.  Damn labor laws...Kids need to get to work! I could wait till my mexican Sister-in-law visits...  Then everything would be clean AND I'd get tacos!  Best option yet!  But I don't want to wait...

Ouija board
"Oh Ouija, who will make my tacos and clean my house?"

While pondering over my cleaning predicament, I thought there must be an easier way to write these posts.  Maybe a humorous guide exists with tips on surviving the zombie apocalypse for the every-man...  Maybe I can steal excerpts and pretend that I am a the genius that created it....  Oh the laughs I could create!  What a glorious Mutha-Sugah it would be!

I then decided to check Facebook because, like everyone else, I am addicted to voyeurism and cute kitten videos.  After a moment of scrolling I happened upon such a guide.  Not only with witty antics but with amazingly drawn art.  Eureka! I could steal the story and the pics! It doesn't get any easier than copy and paste.  The little square next to the link tells me my meal ticket is provided courtesy of Rigor Mortis. Suckers!  I'll mention them casually in a conversation to keep the ju-ju good.  My hair can not take being struck by lightning. I knew this book of faces would come in handy!

"40 pages of end of the world fun!" they boast.  But can these zinesters deliver goods worth ripping off for my own selfish benefit?  Oh they can...
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Possibly the sexiest Disaster related cover ever.

Presenting Z.E.D. Zombies! Emergencies! Disasters! Yea... That's a sexy cover!  I drew that (I didn't).  You wanna see what I'm wearing underneath?

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Kindling! Toilet Paper!  Dietary Fiber!  I love re-purposed things...

Oh yeaaaaaaaa...  I'm so clever too!  (I'm not!  I had nothing to do with this!  This is an off shoot from the Rigor Mortis team.)  I would describe this project as a "little taste of comic goodness you can read in between playing 'Guess the Appendage' of your long blown up neighbors, evading cannibals (living and dead), and wondering if Stan Lee will manage a cameo in the afterlife."  Wow, I couldn't of said it better myself.  I mean... sigh...

The Rigor Mortis collective have risen from the darkest depths to present Zombie and Horror loving goodness to the masses.   With 4 'zines already available and a 5th on the way, they have taken a slight detour to present a twisted and entertaining look on surviving in the post-apocalypic world.

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These were drawn with Pretty & Putrid in mind... (no they weren't!)

By now you have probably realized that I had nothing to do with this project.  You are also curious as to where you can acquire this saucy bit of talent.  I know these things.  Z.E.D. is not yet available in the papery goodness but Rigor Mortis is offering a downloadable sampler.  Click here!You can now select the file for download.  When your eye sockets have had their fill of putrid delight, head over to order more from this ensemble.  Your survival depends upon it.

So to recap:  1. Z.E.D. Zombies! Emergencies! Disasters!, you need to read it.  2. You can go to or 3. I still need to clean my house and write my own posts.  So darlings, don't miss out on this opportunity to enlighten your HORRORble, loving mind and miss out on an important bit of knowledge for your survival.  So as always, stay pretty and prepare.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

I Smell Dead People

WARNING: This post is potentially offensive to the anosmic.  Google it bitches!

I bet Zombie blood smells heavily of failure and broken dreams.  Not something you really want lingering on you as the world ends.  Permeating your clothes with it's unliving stank.  Forcing you to check your pits every time you're left alone.  Unless Tide is still driving that portable disaster relief truck around, anything you get on your clothes will most likely remain there.
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Boogers.  Another hidden threat to your nose.

Allow me to recommend a certified not-real Pretty & Putrid, grade-A splatter resistant poncho!  For all your undead muck and gut needs!  This handy, dandy plastic garb is clear to show off your finest ensemble while keeping unwanted  grossness from turning you into a walking PETA protest.  It also makes every outfit practical.  Add a belt for a form fitting enhancement.  With the P&P Poncho you will always look your best.  Unless your ugly.  Then you would just be an ugly in a rain poncho.
Wait for it...


Keep scrolling...

Whoomp!  There it is!

Naked fat lady
Wamp-waaaah...At least her clothes will stay dry!... oh... nevermind

I hope that image made you spit out your latte.  That "Venti 1 pump caramel, 1 pump white mocha, 2 scoops vanilla bean powder, extra ice frappuccino with 2 shots poured over the top (affogato style) with caramel drizzle under and on top of the whipped cream, double cupped" drink will be a forgotten luxury during the ZomPoc!   Enjoy and as always stay pretty and prepare!