Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Undead Resolutions

Congratulations on surviving another year!  I didn't think it would happen either.  Really!  After a series of unfortunate events I was certain the world was ending.  Since we are still here, I suppose the best thing to do is get back to business.

Comic by Sean Bieri.  Oh, how it makes me laugh each year!
The last time we talked I promised some pics of my minions dressed as Hawkgirl and the Scarecrow. Yes, I am aware of how long ago that was and no, I have no plans for an apology.  It turns out, taking small children to a comic book convention is really tough and makes it incredibly difficult to look at stuff.  But still pretty fun.  It also requires about four months of recovery time.  Our minions happen to love all things spooky and creepy and undead (big surprise!) so it's a delight to see them excited.  I recommend taking your minions if you know you have any!

I wish you could see his glove better... It's so awesome!  She left a trail of destruction with that mace. 

Since we must all continue to function within the confines of society until someone "accidentally" releases a "vaccine" on the population to cure "stupidity," I thought it would be fun to come up with a list of resolutions for the upcoming year.  Mostly, so next year you can join me in a good laugh when I say I did none of it.  I really just like making lists.

  1. Write a list of things I'll never do.  BOOM!  I won't be a complete failure.  
  2. Build a robotic zombie unicorn to disperse radioactive glitter by way of it's flatulence.  I may actually do this one, too. If you have never had glitter in your eyes, you have no idea how badly that hurts.  It's like little metal shards cutting into all your fleshy parts.  Not only would this be hilarious and create immense amounts of sparkle-tude in the world but it would also be a very confusing way to infect the masses.  
    What makes it so majestic is also what kills you.  
  3. Eat a cookie.  I put this on every list I write.  It prevents me from being a complete failure at life. *munches on cookie*
  4. Pack our bug-out-bags... For real this time.  I bet you guys were all like 'These guys!  They're way prepared!' Well if by way prepared you mean always puts stuff in a safe place because it could be useful later and then forgets where that safe place is, then yes.  We're very prepared.  This year I would like to find where that safe place is and put my kids there gather all those safely guarded items together in one bag and put it somewhere even I can remember.  Maybe... design some kind of contraption that fits on your back and is capable of holding a great deal of smaller items... hmmm... would probably look awful.  Maybe strap something to each of my cats.  I'll need more cats...    I doubt this one will be completed anyway but it would be nice.  
    Is that a dinosaur?!  Carrying my water bottle should be a piece of cake!
  5. Design a System of Carrier Cats for use during the Apocalypse.  I believe this may be one of my top 100 ideas ever.  Lets say you've holed up in your home and you want to make a run for it but you don't have a clear view of the rest of your street and you're afraid to leave only to be devoured by the horde hiding behind the stop sign.  You'd be surprised how much a sign could obscure your view... Anyway, you can strap a message to your loyal and obedient feline to deliver to your neighbor a few houses down.  For you naysayers who may see this as cruelty to animals I say have you ever tried to catch a cat who doesn't want to be caught?  There is no way a zombie will snatch one of these furry friends unless they stop to sun themselves and lick their balls.  Which is possible.  Of course, they would also have to like the recipient... and the recipient would also need to open a can of cat food at the exact moment you disperse your message... but it could work.  Just a few kinks still.  
Well, I believe that is more than enough for unachievable goals.  I guess I could also add that I hope to do a better job tending to you via the internet but I don't want to give you false hope.  I'm not a liar.  Raise your weapons high!  Here's to our last year as pretty and unprepared preppers!! Soon we become survivors of the apocalypse!!!... Or maybe it'll be just another year.  Who knows?  Let us know what goals you've made to not accomplish.  Until then, stay pretty and prepare!  

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