Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Pizza of the Apocalypse

The title is a lie. A filthy, saliva-inducing lie. You clicked when you felt that twinge of excitement leap from your belly to your heart and up to your palette; tasting the cheesy goodness you would surely experience during the end of days. Not only will you be able to spend your days slaying zombies hopefully comprised of your nosy neighbors but you would also get to spend your evenings eating pizza!! FINALLY!

But I lied. There will be no pizza. No loaded nachos. No grilled cheese sandwiches.

 Why would anyone cuddle if there is no pizza will to live? None of this will happen.

I look at the faces of my family and know in my heart that they will all starve to death when that day of utter excitement and panic comes. Why? Because they are all picky eaters. They will look at the spoon of applesauce, back to the baby, and still refuse to eat it even if it means certain death for all involved.  They are that freakin' stubborn.

Rick is a cruel, un-feeling, sweaty man. 
On a side note: Rick should eat the applesauce from a total stranger before he eats acorns from the DC area. Squirrels be straight gangsta up in the 'urea'! Do not mess with their nuts!

Not even scared of you, Rick. Just leave the acorns alone.

There is a good chance hipster-vegans will inherit the Earth. These vary from regular vegans only slightly but eat even less due to their need to one-up the others. HV's eat straight dirt.  But only dirt not hurt by man. So... just cow-shit. It's naturally and organically processed as nature intended. Most importantly, they won't snub their noses at eating dandelion greens because they aren't romaine purists. They've already adapted to eating weird things that come from the ground because they don't have a lot of options. Want to hear a joke?... What does a vegan in an Outback and Michonnes Pets have in common? They aren't eating anything.

HV's have nothing to contribute to society. Well... mostly. They, unlike the rest of us, know how to go out into their back yard and find something to eat. Unless you are a farmer and in that case, disregard all of this. We just need to get you battle ready to defend your turf. At any moment, a nice group of people might come out of the woods and burn your barn down. Perhaps the rest of us should consider what we are willing to snack on when we have a rotter infestation...
I don't know what this is about but I'm pretty sure it's a sign of the apocalypse.
When our heroic gang of malnourished survivors run into another group of lively and hungry anti-zombies, they will probably be comprised of Redneck Daryl "Worm-eater" Dixons. I just assume that it would be an army of clones, eating gangsta DC squirrels, digging up worms and periodically crying like a bitch. These are all theories. I don't have much to go on.

Anyway, when these two groups come together to exchange their gluten-free-only-because-it's-trendy-but-like-you-know-before-everyone-else recipes for dem-squirrels-were-cooked-in-our-urine-to-lock-in-flavor-and-topped-wit-fried-worms recipes, both sides will probably freak out and resort to cannibalism. The meat of your enemies will be infused with tears. Sorry-I-wish-this-arm-was-really-a-taco tears. If only you had listened to your mom and eaten your applesauce and your veggies!

What's the point of all this?! What am I trying to tell you?
This would make a great last meal! You know, before the zombies eat you. 

There is no pizza.

Goodnight folks! Eat it while you can get it. Until next time, stay pretty and prepare!

P.S. I don't actually have any problem with vegans or meat eaters. I really don't care. I'm just saying maybe we should have a little give when it's a matter of survival.