Sunday, December 19, 2010

Don't Hold The Purse!

This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang but a whimper.

—T.S. Eliot, "The Hollow Men" (1925)
Can you believe T.S. Eliot made money on that? He was waaaayyy off!
The world ended in a series of screams, gunshots, cries, and most importantly - a cacophony of undead moaning. But don't get yourself down husband/boyfriend/male figure accompanied by a female. What you don't realize is that this is the best thing that could have possibly happened to you!
"How is it that you can sleep ANYWHERE?!"
Just ponder for a moment... no more mortgage, no more useless boss (its likely they're "dead"), no more obligation to shave your face, etc... This is what you have wanted your entire life! You have broken free of the emasculating financial and social bonds that prevented you from being anywhere close to an alpha male. Let's not think of it as "the end of the world" but the beginning of a new world for you and your lady friend.
Sure there are negative aspects of this freedom. No more Xbox, no more cookie dough, no more pizza, the new unsettling scarcity of contraceptives. But take any hostility created by the lack of your former life staples and turn it into a motivating rage to become all that is man.
There is now a limitless supply of undead skulls to vent your frustrations on. Your only concern now is survival. Not to mention the lovely lady keeping you company. Just try and pretend that you don't have to continue pampering and treating her like a queen regardless of the apocalyptic forecast. And if you're like me, you have kids added to this equation. So see? There is a future after all...
This all brings me to the matter at hand: gathering supplies.
A family cannot survive without supplies. Be it a family of two, four, or "extra" they've gotta eat something. Before the world ended, did you ever try doing a trip to Wal-Mart every OTHER week? It doesn't work! In fact the notion itself is borderline negligence.
To support this living hoard you have to get crap for them to eat, crap for them to do, crap to keep them from making you WANT to join the ranks of the undead. The more pessimistic readers may view this as the same situation from the pre-brain eating world. It has similarities sure, but now your methods of support are ones that were previously frowned upon...
Looting for supplies is not a group affair. Although it is also unwise for you to go alone. Even when the dead are walking, the buddy system still pulls a lot of weight. If it's just the two of you, or the kids can hide out for a while, taking your lady with you is advisable. You will be better off if someone can watch your ass - not to mention carry things! Your ravenous (living) eating machines will need a lot of stuff to get them by and obviously there will no longer be such a thing as a "quick trip" to the store. More hands to carry goodies means less trips out of your Fortress of Familitude.
"It put's the lotion in the basket!"
Imagine a situation where you and your woman have stumbled accross a shipping crate of powerbars/ bath and body works lotion. Jackpot right?! Your lady is checking out the treasure, making little attempt to quell her audible excitement, while you scan the surroundings with cautious eyes and the weapon of your choosing in a white-knuckled grip. Then you hear it... "Hey hunnie can you hold my purse while I try this lotion?" How can you say no to the question you have been rolling over for since the first date? So you hold the damn purse. The combination of a newly occupied hand and the longing for your testicles to return causes you to let your guard down. Then a torso-zombie crawls over and bites your ankle. She screams louder than the expletive you shout. Suddenly every hungry and rotting creature in a square mile closes on your location to enjoy the meal you have provided.
This could have been prevented if you hadn't held her damn purse. But what to do? You know she's got shit to carry...
The solution is a messenger style bag. Messenger bags have the benefit of storage and portability. The life saving factor here is that they can fit snuggly against the body. This way no decomposing hands can get a grip on her while on supply runs. The bag can also be flipped around the shoulder for easy access - and thus she doesn't need to take it off and hand it to you (killing you both and any hope for the future).
Naturally this won't be enough storage to take ALL those power bars and bottles of lotion back to your fortress. Think about all the reusable grocery bags she made you buy because of her status of a closet hippie. You know she doesn't want to carry the purse. It always ends up in the shopping cart or stroller anyway!
This is a very sexy "mag"... or "murse." What do you call man bags?
It is important to know that anything you get while looting and pillaging must be dropped at a moments notice. None of it is worth your life. The Messenger bag should contain essentials. If she insists on packing more than the Messenger bag can hold then leave her at home. There is no stealth involved in a pack animal!
Sooner or later that purse arm will carry a weapon. She will have plenty of chances to practice with this weapon which hopefully means she gets better at using it. This leads to less killing required by you (don't forget it's theraputic and recreational, so don't feel the need to hold back on her part). In the end more supplies can be carried by you AND your zombie slaying lover.
Remember: the couple that slays together stays together...

1 comment:

  1. First, I prefer lotions from The Body Shop. Second, everything else is correct. Carry on.