Friday, November 26, 2010
You hear a rustling behind you. Something is chasing you! Oh God this is how it ends! Curlers in your hair, your ex-boyfriends tee shirt and your favorite pair of sleep pants, covered in kittens... (mine have cupcakes). You finally get the courage to turn and face it and... its... HOT! Not to mention breathing. Yet, your butt has never looked frompier. You wish you had prepared.
In the pre-apocalyptic world, chances with someone like this had always been minimal. But NOW! Options with a pulse are becoming a hot commodity. YOU ARE IN! Or at least you would be if you were at all prepared. Tsk, tsk, tsk. Let's change your fate, shall we?
All could be forgiven if you get your ass in check. So lets lose the kitten pants and start there. Everyone should invest in a good pair of cargos. They've come along way and fitted and chic is in and easy to find. If you are not in the military do not dare put on camo! Zombies can smell you regardless so don't waste your time thinking your doing yourself a favor. You could bedazzle your outfit and a zombie wouldn't notice. Fitted is not only cute but beneficial. Loose clothing is just asking for a decaying hand to grab on and pull you into its rotted mouth. "But I have no butt!" you say "How can I possibly make it look fly?" Don't worry, a little pocket detail will give the illusion that there is a thang to back up. Something as simple as a zipper detail or if you need a lil' more "illusion," go for full back pocket flaps. " But my badonkadonk is outta control!" Then you need the smooth pocketless option, minimizing appearances. Once you find a pair that cradles your gluteus maximus, move onto storage. You maybe wondering why cargos? Wouldn't those ridiculously hot pair of jeans be better? No, no they would not. This is after all for survival... and looking hot. You should have quick access to supplies, tools and most importantly, weapons (we will go over these in future weeks. Baby steps). Be sure that pockets are truly functional. If you can't fit a snack bar and a knife you need a little more space. Also, look for a fabric that is breathable and you can run in. Soon my pretties, that chance meeting with a hottie will look much better.
Many people focus on the negatives of a Zombie Apocalypse. However, I see nothing but positive. It is an opportunity for people to come together and make meaningful bonds, learning to live as God intended. Without "Jersey Shore." It also promotes a healthier lifestyle. Do you realize all the survivors will have the body of a runner? That is fantastic! I won't have to join a gym after all. Yet, the best benefit of the undead walkers... My enemies will be eaten and I will be one step closer to world domination! MWAH HAHAHA!
Until next week darlings... be pretty and prepare!
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Welcome to Pretty & Putrid! Your guide to beauty during the Zombie Apocalypse. One may argue that in a world of Zombie Apocalypse Preparedness knowing how to survive is key, but I say NAY! Not only shall we prevail, we shall be hot! We shall be sexy! But most importantly, we shall be deadly!
Sure half of you will be bait, but if it makes you feel better, keep reading. We both know you should go pick up a bottle of brain marinade and get yourself extra tasty, but I'll humor you. You know who you are... For the rest, we will provide tips for not only surviving but looking 007-good while doing it. Beginning November 26th, you will get a different weekly tip to keep you at your best, even in the toughest of times. And as a bonus, we will even give you tips to survive! It's simply smashing! Really, what good does it do to look good if no one sees you?
Whether brought on by biological warfare, mad scientists, a mutation of the common cold or even some good old fashion voodoo, Zombies are always a possibility. Jesus taught us this when he brought Lazarus back from the dead. "Just a taste!" he said. "This just happened!" he said. "Watch out! Next I'll make them hunger for brains!" But Jesus was a very busy man. Much to do...
With the ever impending threat of the undead, you better be ready. But we don't want you to worry. We're here to help.