Friday, November 26, 2010

In The Beginning... They Dropped Bombs!

So you've been running for what feels like days, but only minutes.  As fast and as far as your unworked legs can take you.  Trying to get as far away from the city as possible.  Sure, a weekend at your Aunt Gertrude's house in the Big City seemed like a great idea at the time, but it quickly turned sour when she tried to eat you.  Lusting after your tender, unprepared brain.  Soon the squadron of bombers will be flying in to drop a heavy load on the city, ( commence giggling now... and stop ) attempting to exterminate Auntie and her friends.  For all we know this is the kind of behavior that began the plague. But I digress...

You hear a rustling behind you.  Something is chasing you! Oh God this is how it ends!  Curlers in your hair, your ex-boyfriends tee shirt and your favorite pair of sleep pants, covered in kittens... (mine have cupcakes).  You finally get the courage to turn and face it and... its... HOT!  Not to mention breathing.  Yet, your butt has never looked frompier.  You wish you had prepared.

In the pre-apocalyptic world, chances with someone like this had always been minimal.  But NOW!  Options with a pulse are becoming a hot commodity. YOU ARE IN!  Or at least you would be if you were at all prepared. Tsk, tsk, tsk. Let's change your fate, shall we?

All could be forgiven if you get your ass in check.  So lets lose the kitten pants and start there.  Everyone should invest in a good pair of cargos.  They've come along way and fitted and chic is in and easy to find.  If you are not in the military do not dare put on camo!  Zombies can smell you regardless so don't waste your time thinking your doing yourself a favor.  You could bedazzle your outfit and a zombie wouldn't notice.   Fitted is not only cute but beneficial.  Loose clothing is just asking for a decaying hand to grab on and pull you into its rotted mouth.  "But I have no butt!" you say "How can I possibly make it look fly?"   Don't worry, a little pocket detail will give the illusion that there is a thang to back up.  Something as simple as a zipper detail or if you need a lil' more "illusion," go for full back pocket flaps.  " But my badonkadonk is outta control!"  Then you need the smooth pocketless option, minimizing appearances.  Once you find a pair that cradles your gluteus maximus, move onto storage. You maybe wondering why cargos? Wouldn't those  ridiculously hot pair of jeans be better? No, no they would not.  This is after all for survival... and looking hot.  You should have quick access to supplies, tools and most importantly, weapons (we will go over these in future weeks. Baby steps).  Be sure that pockets are truly functional.  If you can't fit a snack bar and a knife you need a little more space.  Also, look for a fabric that is breathable and you can run in.  Soon my pretties, that chance meeting with a hottie will look much better.

Many people focus on the negatives of a Zombie Apocalypse.  However, I see nothing but positive.  It is an opportunity for people to come together and make meaningful bonds, learning to live as God intended. Without "Jersey Shore."   It also promotes a healthier lifestyle.  Do you realize all the survivors will have the body of a runner? That is fantastic!  I won't have to join a gym after all.  Yet, the best benefit of the undead walkers... My enemies will be eaten and I will be one step closer to world domination!  MWAH HAHAHA!

Until next week darlings...  be pretty and prepare!

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