Friday, May 20, 2011


With the end of the world approaching, I think we should all take a moment to reflect upon the good times we've shared with each other,  offer to pet-sit for the those who will be raptured, and of course, plan our existence as a tortured soul, wandering the earth...

Of course, some souls will be more tortured than others.  After all the good guys go up, the rest of us are suppose to suffer through earthquakes, volcanos, tsunamis and the most terrifying of all- Old Navy flip flops raining from the sky( who wears those anyway?  They are awful!).  Also something with birds, snakes and airplanes... and Leonard Bernstein.  We have recently seen the effects of nature and it's impact on our man-made society and we have scarcely dodged greater catastrophe.  But what if some of the souls that are saved by this impending biblical apocalypse, are the same great minds that we depend upon to save us from oil spills, nuclear meltdowns and Lenny Bruces' rampage into the CDC, unleashing millions of deadly diseases upon the city of Atlanta ( that's what R.E.M. was talking about, right?)?  What will happen then?

Futurama season six apocalyptic picket signs


I'll tell ya!  Zombies, my pretties, ZOMBIES!!  It's only a matter of time before all those bad things blend together and mutate into something worse.  Now if you are wondering why I am addressing you as if you are not gonna be saved... well... you're not.   You are reading Pretty &Putrid, although it's time well spent, instead of repenting for your sins and raising money for this guy who says it's coming.  I guess he is staying behind too.

Now we don't know what exactly will happen but we should be prepared for anything.  Sure there could be locusts.  Do you have a veiled hat?  We also don't know if the seas will really turn into blood our it will look like blood because the sun is black and the moon is red.  Best thing, make sure you have comfortable boots that wash easily and transition well from season to season.  Sunglasses may be a thing of the past but bring them anyway.  Everyone who wears sunglasses at night is much cooler.  I would also suggest looking for a micro-fiber pant or a cute body hugging poly-spandex top.  Synthetic fibers are harder to bite through and the micro-fiber will feel cooler against your skin, you know, in case of hot molten lava.

Eow weather

I'm sure we have a little bit of time before we see the undead walk,  It may actually be one of the foretold plagues.  However, take some time tonight to bedazzle your weapon.  Shotgun? Crowbar? Sharp thing?  Paint it your favorite color and make it your own.  The worthy have been saved and that means you can't trust any one!  Anyone say "oh, that zebra-print machete looks fantastic!  Can I see it?" say no.  They are shiesty and just want your stuff because it's prettier.  Next they will want your face and your first born.  Although, If you haven't had children yet, the second won't be an issue. Infertility is another part of the end-of-the-world gig.  We are entering into a "Children of Men" society... and combining it with "Dawn of the Dead."

I hope you now have a better idea of what we are about to experience.  All we can hope for is a little time to get ready and bling out our gear.  So as always, stay pretty and prepare!

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