Thursday, June 16, 2011

Protect YO Neck!

It never fails.  You're sitting at the campfire, enjoying a scrumpulous meal of stolen beans and beans when, with out warning, a zombie bites your neck.  Can't a girl enjoy one meal without being interrupted? Now you are missing a vital piece of flesh needed to maintain your physical symmetry.  Not to mention being infected with the R33 PR virus, or what have you.
They came without warning, feasting while you were all too vulnerable.  Sure, a vampire selects the neck to gain quick access to that thick artery carrying that precious elixir of life.  But not a zombie.  With the undead it is nothing more than a matter of convenience.  While your limbs are at rest, those stupid hungry buggers are gonna dive right in.  And unless your attacker is a midget (I apologize, smaller-than-normal-people) or a child, the theoretical bullseye is placed by default on your neck.
That's not her neck...

Now what do we do, my pretties?  We don't want you to join the realm of the putrid, right?
It is almost impossible to spend all of our time on the defense.  We must eat, sleep, boys must crap in a rabbit hole, and ladies must meditate as our bodies run at 100% efficiency.  It's natural.  While we are still in the preparation stages, we don't know if we shall fight alone or have a team watching our back.  Even on guard, you have to reload or pull the knife out of the last skull.  Other precautions must be taken.
In medieval times a plate armor would be worn over chain mail.  And for the broke ballers, just one or the other.  Although heavy, uncomfortable, and expensive, this get-up is bite proof!   The metal completely covers the neck and would allow for a peaceful supper but removes a great deal of mobility and limits your field of sight.   So maybe not the best option...
DSC 0922
hey guess who has a stiff neck and is ready for the zombie apocalypse?  THIS GUY!

I should point out, for the purpose of this blog I am heavily betting on stupid zombies.  If those bitches can use tools we are all fucked.  Think of an infected gorilla... now make him smart and infected... terrifying.  If our future is filled with pcp fueled, adrenaline pumping zombies coming at us with hatchets and shot guns, we may as well accept it and succumb.  Now if my hopes and dreams are correct, those shambling idiots will be natural selection at work.  Let's hope the bite thing is our only issue...
Back to this neck thingy.  Now in the rainy Ol' Land of England,  the highly starched neck ruff was all the rage!  These overly frilled collars would stick up to a foot out and required an additional support structure to keep it in place.  The trend supposedly emerged from a detachable collar essentially used to keep your clothes clean... but I don't buy it.  I think Queen Elizabeth was hip to the ever present danger lurking in the london streets.  Not just vampires but patient zero (If the movies have taught me anything, no matter the type of downfall, the apocalypse will start in London).  I think she was one smart cookie and just trying to keep her people prepared and called it fashion.  Good call, Lizzie.  Good call.
The undead will never get her neck!... does the mouse have a ruff?

So what do my pretties do? We can't wear a full armored suit and that ruff is just not with the times.  What's that you say?  Why not the chain mail?   By golly, I was gonna say the same thing!  Go to any renaissance fair, and there will tons of people dressed like elves selling it.  But lets not go old school with this look.  Chain mail can be made into anything! Seriously, anything.  My first thought was a nice chunky necklace, maybe even add a few pretty beads to coordinate with your outfit.  But there is more!  Scarves, gloves, shirts, skirts, bikinis, hooker wear, belts (both chastity and pant holder types), turtlenecks, dresses and kermit the frog-style collars!  Now guys, if you are not into the frog look (actually called a gorget)  get an s&m collar to keep you nicely fastened to your traveling partner.  Something for everyone!
I don't want you to feel like this is your only option for neck protection.  It's just another option.  If you choose to go for a super necklace of your choosing, make sure it's strong.  Nothing that can easily be yanked off.  If you are a little more low key, wear a neck brace while you rest.  It's not cute.  Quite ugly really, with limited movement, but no surprise zombie snack incidents.
Maybe next time you find your self drifting past the hand-blown glass, healing crystals and monster turkey legs, you'll spend a little extra time admiring those hand-crafted metal goodies.  Anything to protect our beauty.  So as always, stay pretty and prepare!

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