Friday, June 24, 2011

Duck, Duck, Dead!

Time is precious and I need a pedicure.  Let's quickly review some things.
  • Bug-out-bag packed and ready to go?- check!
  • Weapon's at the ready?- check!
  • Team selected for repopulating the Earth?-Whaaaaaat?
DSC 0083
devoted/undead packed his weapons but forgot his lipstick

No one wants to travel alone and having the best people with you is essential for the well-being of your new-world-post-apocalyptic colony.  Don't put your faith in wayward strangers along the way.  Select your team now and prepare not only for zombies, but also for the rise of machines,  animal uprising, midget rebellion and the more feasible natural disaster.  Use the following survey to screen possible founding members.
  1.   Is this person attractive?  If no, end survey.  This question is less superficial then you think so stop judging.  Pretty people statistically* are more ambitious, confident and overall successful.  Also, once things simmer down you really will need to repopulate the world.  Do you really want this great lands future in the hands of an ugly?  (Statistic based on personal observation and is not FDA approved nor backed by anyone.)
  2.  Does applicant posses any useful skills?  You know, nunchuck skills, bow hunting skills, computer hacking skills...? If no, end survey.  Unfortunately, being pretty is not enough.  You must contribute something. Hunter, warrior, doctor, douche-bagger-destroyer... something.
  3. True or False.  Sand, Charcoal and iodine are possible options for purifying water. If applicant answers  "None of that is in my Evian so it must be false," punch them in the face and end survey.  Whatever you have stockpiled in your attic will run out and water is heavy when on the move.  You will need to find water sources and be able to purify in any situation.  If caught off guard, you may not have iodine tablets so learning alternative filtration techniques is a must.  When possible, boil to kill bacteria but be aware that a fire can give away your position to the living that you wish were dead.
  4.  Does applicant have a mullet? If yes, end survey.  So maybe this one is entirely vain.  If I was able to travel back in time, only once, to meet any person in history, I would meet the first person to wear a mullet.  I would meet them and subject them to a slow, painful torture performed to the music of Lady Gaga.  After removing their eyelashes one-by-one, I would carve tiny penis pictures all over their face with a soup spoon.  I would tie them to the bottom of a buick and drive through a residential neighborhood ridden with speed bumps.  After my joy ride, I would parade my victim around town while they wear a sign that reads "I raped your farm animals."  I hate the mullet that much.  The only thing I hate more:  Rachel Ray.  And I doubt she is Mullet Zero.
  5. True or False.  "leaves of three, don't touch me" is 80's propaganda pushed by Nancy Reagan to keep kids from doing drugs so she would have more for herself. If true, end survey.  Surviving the zompoc is not just badass shotgun flinging zombie killing, it's also about surviving.  If you can't survive a night in your back yard, good chance your screwed when the world ends.  Learn both helpful greens and those to avoid within your region.  If you yourself lack a green thumb, make sure you select someone capable of growing food with in your new settlement.  You can't scavenge forever.
  6. Is applicant a ninja?  If yes, you are so lucky!  These are hard to come by, very rare in the south.  Snatch 'em up if you find one.  They will have so many uses!  Sneaking into cities to survey the scene and find supplies, scouting rebel camps and possibly decapitating their leader, destroying an oncoming horde of undead before you even put your Entertainment Weekly from 6 months ago down.  If ninja wears a mask over their face like Cobra Commander you can accept them even if they are an ugly.
Rachael ray
'Yummo' is not a word Rachael Ray!  You are not welcome in the new world!

Use this questionnaire as a preliminary screening.  No amount of common sense and disaster preparedness can guarantee you will survive first round dead picks.  Good chance if you do, you will still have to realign your group and interview for new members.  Remember to avoid "red shirts" (see previous posts) and think of each persons long term potential.  Don't forget, when they have worn out their welcome they can always be used as bait!  Let's hope you pick the best for our doomed future and stay pretty and prepare!  

1 comment:

  1. Well I tried to post before but somehow accidentally touched a random button. But just in case you didn't get my post. I have well not to come off having to much high "self-confidence" for one person, but I had two good questions or rather statements to say. First are you using the spoon as a stencil for the penises or are you using the spoon for the carving? Well either it way it sucks, a bad portrayal of the penis (well hopefully for most people) and scared by spoon doesn't sound any better. Okay got that out of the way, funny post, hopefully other readers have better luck on looking for people to start a new world with because minus the 1 and 3 any other person on my list don't apply to any of these.