Saturday, December 3, 2011

Justin Bieber Son of Satan? Maybe Just Patient Zero

After hours of intense scientific study, I have discovered the origin of the impending Zombie Apocalypse.  My Pretty Survivors!  It is upon us!  Brace yourself for this serious revelation.

"Bieber Fever."

 Don't act surprised.  We all knew there was something wrong with this kid...

But why, you ask... Well, being that this is super sciency and such, this may be difficult for the non-super sciency people to follow.  So pay attention.

Little Justin Bieber wants to be a zombie.   Wants to be a zombie!  That's a little suspect of a teen pop star.  Sure, he just wants a cameo on a must-watch show but it still raises red flags.  The standard fan of the zombie empire is at the farthest possible point away from Bieber on the spectrum.  His crossover role would set the world off it's axis sending us spinning into a fiery blaze of death and destruction.  Ending in the Zombie Apocalypse.

To continue, "Bieber Fever" sounds like an evolutionary strain of the Bubonic Plague. It's no coincidence that listening to his music is known to cause painfully swollen glands, high fevers and seizures.  In fact, it is a masterful way to spread infection.  Pop music is everywhere, whether we like it or not.  It's just as infectious as this deadly plague.  You try to have a pleasant evening with the girls and the next thing you know, you're dancing on a table singing ...ahem... screaming the words to whatever Gaga song is in rotation.  You are driven to drink more and hate yourself in the morning, all the while wondering how you knew the words in the first place.  Could it be Satan is behind all pop music?  Perhaps, allowing his own son to top the charts, brainwashing the youth to be stupid.... er... stupider.  Why else would lyrics like "I'm talking about everybody getting crunk, crunk, Boys tryin' to touch my junk, junk, Gonna smack him if he getting too drunk, drunk" be in rotation?  Devil made 'em do it.  Kesha is crap.
"Lordy, Lordy!  He gave me the plague!!!... and i think herpes."
Maybe you are still not convinced.  Well, you are obviously broken.  Most hear of the bubonic plague and think the Black Death!  Yet, this particular rampage of death and misery was documented far sooner than the 1300's. Yea, check out this history lesson.  6th century, bitches!  Enter The Plague of Justinian!  Notice the name?  Justinian?... Justin... Bieber Fever!  Not only did Justin Bieber create a pandemic that killed millions of people centuries before he was even born,  he did it with something that causes hand necrosis, a common trait associated with the Plague of Justinian. 
A little 'tussin would probably clear that right up.
If you missed it, HAND NECROSIS.  The tissue on the hand is dead.  Like a dead person. But you are still alive.  Like a zombie.  I see this as nothing more than a failed attempt to bring forth the end of days.  Don't worry, he has had plenty of time to get it right...

Now, my darling survivors, we are closer than ever before.  It's obvious through all my scientific sciency tests, that this teeny-bop, mop-head is somehow involved with the prince of darkness. In exchange for fame and access to underage girls he gets the perfect plague.  Why else would anyone claim they are impregnated with his child?  The antidote.  In exchange for a little hush-hush and a promise to keep his cover, they get the cure. 
I'm gonna get you!

In review:  Zombie Bieber > Bieber Fever > Bubonic Plague > Plague of Justinian > Hand Necrosis > Zombie Apocalypse.   You are welcome.

It is time to go forth in the world and spread the word.  Warn those you like and laugh at those you don't.  This holiday, give the gift that causes undeath: pop music.   You now know the truth and have the power to save the world or allow it to be destroyed.  Choose wisely and until this hellish fire is unleashed upon us, stay pretty and prepare!


  1. That's so clever! How did I not think of that... sigh.... that's why I love you