Monday, December 19, 2011

The Most Wonderful Time of the BLAH, BLAH, BLAH!

Happy Hellidays everyone!

Yay!  Christmas!  I will eat your soul.

The time of year in which we pretend to care about those around us has arrived.  We waste our time saying things like "I'm so thankful for you and for turkey" while we think "I'm so thankful you got me a sammich.   Now I don't have to polish my backhand!"   Don't forget some damned mashed potatoes.   I effin' love mashed potatoes so you better already KNOW I want some!  Yes, we are so considerate and loving to those around us.  We shower them with kind and heartfelt gestures if only for the satisfaction of the soul...  and for the presents they will give us.

Oh wait...  No, I don't believe... nope, that never happened.  Just like the end of the world in October or May or September of '94 and May of '88.  All of that didn't happen.  I still want mashed potatoes, too.  Yet, that's not happening either.  Polishing the back of my hand may remind you of my missing sammich, also.   But one thing really should happen: the Zombie Apocalypse.  Let me tell you why...

1. Bitches Don't say Please!  At some point we abandoned manners as a society.  We then replaced our former glorious etiquette with an undeserved sense of entitlement.  I think living on the brink of death in an apocalyptic world is just what we need to remind us that nobody owes you anything.  Except pie.  You owe me pie.  And in exchange, I will say "thank you."

2. Nobody knows what a yield sign is!  I could spend hours talking about the driving flaws of most people and my general hatred of anybody behind the wheel.  However, one thing grinds my gears more than any other:  Failure to yield.  In short, "yield" does not mean drive faster and expect others to stop for you.  My hope is that during the zompoc, these people continue to ignore this very basic instruction and become some salivating dead thing's lunch.  

3.  Rachael Ray

4.  Overpopulation!  This is a very obvious reason.  Nowadays, there are easily 25 hookers to 1 John.  With odds like that how's a ho gonna make some do'?  This surplus of bedtime-seducers has not only crowded the street corner, but created a scarcity of skimpy clothing.  Reclaim your turf; let the virus free... no, not that virus!
line outside Tramps-R-Us

5.  Shits and Giggles!  I'm gonna be honest with you.  It would just make me happy.  I would like to put my survival training to use; I like a challenge.  Especially a challenge that does not involve me going to work and allows me to take out my aggression on others... accidentally.  Many people are only alive because my man-meat reminds me about jail and morals.  Once Z-Day comes, those things won't matter anymore and I will freely unleash my wrath.  More importantly, I will still look good while doing it.

While some may think this is a silly list of petty reasons, I see this as a need for destruction.  The wise will agree and swear allegiance now, while the fools will be used as feed for the undead masses.  Choose wisely my pretties.  This list is ever growing and our z-day is imminent... once I get the formula.  So until then, stay pretty and prepare!

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