Friday, January 6, 2012

God Save the Ho's!

In all our preparations and vivid daydreams, we often pretend we have magical survival skills.  Not only can we all magically use the assault rifles littering the streets like gumdrops in candy land but we can effortlessly deliver babies, cultivate and harvest a plot of land and stealthily leap across buildings without ever being detected.
I need to get my hair done first...

Hate to be the bearer of bad news, dearest,  but... If you were not a doctor before the apocalypse the odds of being one after are pretty slim.  Picking occupations from a hat may not be the best course of action in our new Zomtopia.  That's not to say you won't learn new skills and have to apply them; you will.  I just doubt you will be a ninja.  Sorry.
"Fuck you, man!  I worked at Mickey D's before!"

The bigger question is not what will we be doing but what will the hookers be doing?  When the world falls apart, will the oldest profession crumble with it?
Who's gonna hold the lamp posts up?

I know what you are thinking Hey Kitty, who's gonna want a dirty hooker during the apocalypse?

Well, I'll tell you.  Me.  That's who.  Bitches got skills.
Doctors, you got gypped!

Prostitutes throughout history, have been preparing for the Zom-poc.  In fact, they regularly defend themselves against mindless beasts, hungering for meat, who won't take no for an answer.  If this isn't prep, I don't know what is.  These ladies-of-the-night have first hand experience in watching a person go from pleasant to sleazy to shambling threat in a matter of moments.   And as far as we know, the zombies aren't even here yet.

Why else would I want to keep my very own hooker?  They can hide weapons in orifices I have yet to discover.  At any moment a ho is ready to shank you.  You may see this as a threat but I see pure win!  Say some bumbling raiders wander into your camp... Your resident crabby-crotch meanders over, shows a little T&A, then SHANK! SHANK! SHANK! SHANK!!!  Camp is safe. 
"I pulled this out of me!"

Not enough for you?  Ho's can rob you blind and be out of your home all before you even have time to get your pants on.  What does this have to do with the apocalypse?  Hookers are now your go-to person for pilfering supplies.  They can get into town, shove whatever you need into the hallway between their legs, and shank anyone who tries to stop them... and perhaps give them the herp. 

If the  swiss-army style trollop with marsupial-like storage isn't proving their worth to you yet, remember, you can always throw down.  You know what I'm talking about!  

 Just remember the apocalypse may be a bit itchy.  So now is the time to learn some real useful skills unlike the ones you thought you already knew.  And find yourself a hooker.  Don't forget, it's for the good of the family.  Most importantly, stay pretty and prepare!

Note to hookers:  Where's my money Bitch!  Don't you walk away from me!!


  1. So educational it should be included in a post-apocalyptic encyclopedia!

  2. OH EM GEE, you are after my own heart! Whatever a girl does, you gotta look good doing it!