Monday, April 23, 2012

I Love Kittens

Note:  If you are immortal, this list does not apply to you.  We will assist you at a later date.

Unless you are Bruce Campbell, in which case... OH MY GOSH I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU READ PRETTY & PUTRID!!!  See that everyone?  Bruce Campbell reads Pretty & Putrid!... what was I saying?  Oh yes...

Unless you are Bruce Campbell, the probability of you going from housewares to undead-slayer-extraordinaire is pretty slim.  That means you will die and not just because all of you mortals die at some point.  You're gonna die because something's gonna get cha!

I would drink battery acid with that man...

This is my short list of the real ways you will probably die.

        1. Zombies:  Duh.  Where would a zombie apocalypse be without zombies?  Walmart.  Wishing for it to come.... But really, they are gonna get ya and it won't be as pretty as in the movies.  They will rip you to shreds and eat as much as their non-digesting bodies seem fit.  But this will only be an issue for the first couple of weeks.  After which, we will fall victim to other things.
Other things you will find at Wal-Mart:  The Hamburgler

       2. Pre-existing Enemies:  You know what I'm talking about!  The whole reason we want the undead to unleash their rotting virus upon us; so we can "accidentally" shoot our boss without consequence.  I have a list longer than that North Pole pervs list of naughty girls and boys.  Just a few people I will seek out to destroy, just a few...

Do you really think I would put your name on the list and then let you see it?
        3. Starvation:  A case of canned goods and bottled water from Costco does not qualify as prepared.  "Living off the land" means nothing if you do not know what is safe to eat.  Also, picky eaters don't stand a chance.  While you are complaining that you don't have the Kraft salad dressing you like, you will be eaten.  And if you were less picky before, your friends wouldn't be complaining about how disappointing their meal was... while using your femur as a toothpick!  If you had actually learned to grow and store food...  this all could be avoided.  Or at least postponed.  

I thought Tom could use a bit more pepper.
        4. Fecal irresponsibility:  Before modern plumbing, buckets of crap were thrown into the street.  Rats frolicked in the waste like they were dancing on rainbows.  Your poop is like a rainbow to a rat.  And then the rat spreads that rainbow all over and adds little glittery bits of disease to make it sparkle.  Soon, we will be battling the black plague and zombies.  Please poop responsibly.
Rainbows bring death!  Hooray!

         5. Stupidity:  The world is already riddled with fools.  Lawdy, lawdy!  So many fools.   Why do we add to their numbers?  Because we are fools!  Fools LOVE Fools!  The problem is really just a lack of common sense.  Unfortunately, the root of the stupidity can stem from so many things.  Your downfall  could be simply tripping or getting "Shaned"... because your shoelaces are untied.  Being a hero and holding off a horde... with 12 shotgun shells.  Arguing loudly over the last twinkie... in a heavily infested area.  Eating poisonous berries... Shooting yourself in the foot and bleeding out... Lying about your partner getting bitten...  The list can go on forever.  Stop being stupid, I love kittens.
    Stupid kills kittens.  Stop killing kittens.

    So many ways to die, so many are ridiculous!  Don't be stupid.   Try to prolong your life in the undead world as much as you can... without joining their ranks.  I suggest hiding and waiting this one out.   Otherwise darlings, the best thing to do is stay pretty and prepare. 

    1 comment:

    1. O.o

      Well. Tell us how you REALLY feel.

      ::sigh:: But so true. I'm actually looking forward to a live action Darwin Awards game I've got cooking though.

      Stupid people can be almost as much fun as stabbing one's frenemies.