Thursday, February 13, 2014

Screw You, Valentine's!: The Selfish Buying Guide

I hate Valentine's Day. I have always hated Valentine's Day.  I am married, have children and cats, all who love me because they are brainwashed, and I still hate Valentine's Day.  My official name for the holiday has been "Mushy-Mushy, Sap-Sap Crap Day" for as long as I can remember.

Every year, people splurge on over-priced flowers, cheap chocolates and dinner reservations at an over-crowded and over-hyped restaurant.  All in hopes for a little something-something behind closed doors. Why? Because some dead guy used to marry people to avoid sending them to war. Not because of love. It really has nothing do with romance at all. ( He is also rumored to have cured some blind chick and left her a note: "Your Valentine." Not even a good note.)  So on this, the day of his beheading, we cover everything in pepto-bismol pink and act nice for a day.

Well screw you, VALENTINE! No body tells me when to be nice.  (... although many have tried.  You'll never find the bodies.) When I want sexy-sexy business time, I get it. Most importantly, if I want trinkets and treats, I get the ones I want when I want NOT what the man tells me I should get. Bitches.

Why wait for your sugar daddy/mama to get you something you don't want?  I say fight the power! Shop and make yourself happy.

 So here is my Selfish Buying Guide.

  1. Booze: I have kids. Mushy-Mushy Sap-Sap Crap day is just another day I'm reminded why I drink.  The class parties I have to make cupcakes for, the little cards that I have to fill out... All of it.  When I'm done with their list, I've got a valentine of my own.  I'm going to sip on some sauce in these bad ass glasses!  Even if you prefer a non-alcoholic libation for St. Valentine, the detail on this glass makes it extra special. 
    $35 decrepit bones for this set of decaying hands.  I'll do anything not to hold my own glass.
  2. Jewelry: This is such a typical VD gift, as in I gave you VD and now I feel kind of bad. It's also good for Valentine's Day but this particular piece is best for Just Because I Want It Day: a revolver pocketknife necklace.  It's so confusing, it's perfect!!  The shop offers a selection of other firearms as well, perfect to adorn your neck but completed with a tiny little functioning knife.  Again: it's a necklace... with a gun charm... that pew-pew's a knife.  It's AMAZING!
    Available from Contrary on Etsy for $38
  3. BOOKS!!:  I love books.  I love hiding from everyone, snuggling in a corner and losing myself in a good story.  My entry into the selfish buying guide is one that I had on my list for a loooooong time and after years of being neglected, I got it my self. Which is why this list exists.  I even marked it HIGH PRIORITY on my wish list!  I digress... Night of the Living Trekkies!! Written by Kevin David Anderson and Sam Stall, the story delivers a hysterical blend of sci-fi culture, comedy and of course, zombies! A Star Trek convention goes  horribly wrong when the attendees turn into the hungry undead.  It's a fun story that is well written AND the only one I know that uses bat'leths and lirpas to fight off zombies.  I can't think of a better way to honor St. Valentine....
    Available on Amazon from $9-$21 depending on your format choice.  Just buy them all.

  4. The Best Bird Feeder EVER: There are few products out there that really impress me or that I find truly original.  This is one of them.  The bird feeder is a hanging zombie body and it's rotted-out torso holds your avian food of choosing.  It makes it look like the bird is picking at its guts!!  This will really piss off my neighbors.  I should buy a lot of them.  It's really the coolest novelty zombie product I have seen in a long time.  I love it! 
    From NeatoShop for $49.95
  5. MORE BOOKS!!:  This Stupid Mushy Crap Day does have one glimmering shinning light to it and that is the Eat Your Heart Out indie book event!  It's being hosted on the book of Faces and tons of authors have come together to offer a wide selection of ebooks for  99 symbolic copper pennies... from your credit card.  The sale officially begins on February 14th and ends when the authors say so.  Join the event, stock up on books, and support awesome writers! There are 30... yes THIRTY... authors participating in this event including Rhiannon Frater, Timothy Long, Eloise J. Knapp, Michael S. Gardner, Craig DiLouie, Tonia Brown(who apparently raises unicorns) and MANY, Many, many more awesome writers.  
    Lots and lots of choices!  Each only 99 cents!!
There you have it!  My first Selfish Buying Guide for 2014! Because no body knows how to spoil you like you.  And because F@*% Valentine's Day!

P.S. On February 19th, the Red Vein Army will be hosting an online Book Club.  All are welcome to join as we discuss At the Behest of the Dead by Timothy Long (one of the featured EYHO books for a buck!). This event is extra special as the author will actually be joining in to answer questions and discus the story!!  Don't miss it!

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