Saturday, May 17, 2014

Wookie of the Apocalypse

I'm told it's spring.

The weather however, has not been informed.  It's confused about what season it is and looks to the outfits of Earths inhabitants for help.  Unfortunately, girls wearing Ugg boots with mini skirts isn't really useful. Actually, it's absolutely appalling. This whole post is really just to bring up how ridiculous it looks.  Blame anyone wearing those stupid boots with a summer outfit and maybe we can get back to normal.  I don't know, maybe "Weather" is really a symbolic horse of the apocalypse.

No matter what reason weather has for being confused, be it "Ugh" boots or global warming, one thing is for certain... no one knows when to shave.

Men have half beards and women can't tell where the cat fur ends and the leg hair begins.  If we are this furry now, what will happen when Weather, the 5th horse of the apocalypse, decides it has had enough and it starts raining zombie snowflakes while it's 110 degrees out?

Everyone THINKS we will look like this when the apocalypse is upon us:

Look at all those smooooooooth faces!  I'm sure we're all thinking our fit, always active, malnourished bodies will probably be able to rock this little number too:

No claim to the ways of the dirty hippie here!  Skin is flaunted in the heat without regards to unsightly bushes, braids and happy trails.  And not a single undesired mustache anywhere.  Television has correctly taught us that when men remove their shirts, all we shall see are the very badass scars.  Not a back hair in sight!


Get use to this scene right here!

Back to the Ugg boots... seriously, that trend started like 10 years ago.  When are people gonna let it die?! Books have been burned for less criminal offense. Why haven't the people risen and taken to the streets?  The only reason not to destroy every pair now is to keep them to shame murderers and sex offenders in the new world. Why are prisoners given striped jumpers when they should just be wearing UGG's?!

Anyway, if you're not 100% on board with embracing the look of a wookie, take care of it NOW! Thanks to hipsters, straight razors are making a comeback and easy to find.  Learn to shave old school.  Even learn to make your own shaving soap.  Nothing like ripping your skin off because you were to lazy to take care of it! 

The other option: laser hair removal.  Although carrying a straight razor in your go bag is pretty cool, saying you use lasers to prepare for z-day is even cooler. Pew-pew-pew! 

Of course, Wookies are pretty sexy... 

I wouldn't mind cuddling with one of these hot balls of fur! <insert wookie love roar here!> So sexy.  Make your choice now; to fur or not to fur?  I'm not saying the weather is hinting at the end of the world but I am saying our continued tolerance of Ugg boots is. Choose wisely and remember, Stay pretty and prepare!

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