Thursday, July 10, 2014

Fear Fitness

I know what you're thinking! This is another one of those posts telling us to get fit to survive the apocalypse... Bitch, please!  I'm eating nachos while I type this.  Besides if you haven't already figured out the whole cardio gig you may already be someones lunch. No, no, no.  This post is about so much more...

I'm already sexy.  I'm just working on my ninja stealth.

This is a proposal.  An opportunity for someone to join me on a fantastic idea!  You've seen Sweating to the Oldies, Buns of Steel and even Hip Hop Abs... But have you ever seen "Stabbing Stamina: Strength building to the music of Hitchcock's Psycho" or "Fear Fitness: How to keep a steady heart rate when you can't see through your Mask?" Of course you haven't!  Because I haven't made them yet. This could be your chance to get in on the ground floor of a fantastic fitness program.  You... Me... A few other talented people... working on "Horror Hoe-down."

Not sold on it yet?  Eat some nachos and I'll tell you more...

I LOVE 'Freddy and Jason Have Fun!'

What do you think all your favorite slashers, stalkers and maniacs do in their off season? Sure we all have theories.  I personally believe that Freddy uses an alias to do voice work and read books for, Michael Myers runs a bed and breakfast in the country,  Pinhead has a quaint little toy store with unique puzzles and games, Sam and Chucky partnered on a delicious cupcake recipe, Jason just watches a lot of "Lost" and "Orange is the New Black" on Netflix...

"So are they all dead?"

Now picture them all wearing sweatbands like Olivia Newton John....  Close your eyes, do it right now. What you are picturing is quite magical.  You can become a part of this magical magicness.  All you need is the magic of your wallet... 

Do you think Olivia Hellraiser John is ready to get physical?  (Big thanks to Mark Reynolds for piecing this together for us!!)

I know it's sexy in a very disturbing way.  Maybe this is what your dreams have always looked like. We now know for sure what will stir your loins tonight... no need to be ashamed.  But Pinivia Headon John needs to work up a sweat!  It's our job to help!! With your help we can make "Lets Get Maniacal:Music and Moves to Mangle Maidens."  I'm certain it would be a blu-ray success.  Think of all the good we could do for these poor, misunderstood, under-exercised fiends. 

Everyone else is running marathons these days... why not these guys?

Clearly, I'm the brains of this operation but I still need actors, directors, cameramen, audio people, whatever a best boy is, editors, choreographers and lots and lots of funding. Plus, all the necessary people to do stuff I'm unaware of. Is there a Nacho Maker on staff?  Is that what a best boy does? Hmmm... I need more. 

This could become a reality... 

Go ahead, get your wallets out and picture dollar signs in your eyeballs.  We will be kazillionaires AND help out an under appreciated horror community.  Make your checks out to me and while I wait for them to clear and kickstarter to accept my proposal, stay pretty and prepare!

No comments:

Post a Comment