Wednesday, March 9, 2011


At every great office party, it is only a matter of minutes before some seemingly-drunken co-worker begins shambling around with their arms extended outward, knees stiffened and head cocked to the side.  Are we already out of punch? No.  Still plenty...  Are they choking?  Should I find someone else to help? No, they want something else.

And then you hear it.

"Braaaaaaaaiiiiiiinnnns! Braaaaaaiiiiinnnssss!!!"

Oh! They are pretending to be a zombie!  They still make Zima? How cute indeed...  Somehow, zombies can talk, but only to say brains.  No other word.  Apparently, chowing down on the delicious muscle of intelligence does not give you any, just creates a hunger for more.

But why?

Of the 78 human organs, why hunger for brains?  Why not the heart, pumping our sweet blood throughout? Or even the useless appendix for a zombie delicacy?  "Appeeeeeennnnnndiiiiix-essssssss!" It gives me chills just thinking about it.  However, The very thought of Zombies focusing their very existence on 3lbs of grey matter is simply laughable!

Unless we are approaching the 'why' completely wrong.

Maybe it's more then a longing for the muscle they can no longer control.  I believe they are trying to tell us something.  Ever notice who seems to go first?  Stupid people... and uglies.   Zombies are obviously seeking those who fail to make use of their brain.  It is the intelligent who prevail... and the pretty.  Think about who goes first in the movies... "Stay away from the windows. It's dangerous!"... "Whatever, I do what I want.... AHHHH! THEY GOT ME!!!!! HELP!!!" shakes head  " What did I say? Maybe next time you will listen..."  Too bad there won't be a next time since you will have to end their miserable, stupid, non-listening existence before they turn and become a threat to others.  Hopefully, you don't travel with many like this.  Ammo should be reserved for the undead not the unsmart.

DSC 0009
No, this is NOT badass!

If a Zombie can look you in the eyes before eating you, I'm sure they can look over your outfit as well.  And why shouldn't they with those shoes!?  The Zombie Apocalypse is just natural selection at work.  Every time you see a kid riding his bike in the street without a helmet and not paying attention you think "hey I should hit them with my car!"  Every time a Zombie sees someone in socks and sandals they think "hey, I should eat them because they lack brains!"

If you see someone on the side of the road asking for help, ask yourself "What Would Zombies Do?"  If you answer yourself with "Lunch!", keep moving.  You don't need them in your convoy.  They will probably get you killed.

By visiting Pretty & Putrid you have already taken the first step towards glorious, attractive survival.  Don't fail mankind now.  So, as always, stay pretty and prepare!

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