Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Promise Me You'll Never Die!... Dressed Like That

“Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today.”

-James Dean... not the sausage guy.

Live in the moment!  You are never promised tomorrow!  Carpe diem!   Wear clean underwear in case you get in a car accident!   You gon' die!

Haven't we all been fed this "live your life to the fullest" shhtuff since the beginning of time?  So why are some people still leaving the house in sweats?  Curlers in their hair?  Scrunchies!!!?  Sigh, I just don't know...

 A few months ago, I was introduced to the site "People of Wal-Mart."  So awful yet addicting.  I couldn't turn away.  I stayed up for hours, delving into their archives.  How could it be that somebody so repulsive/disgusting/hookerish/ scantily clad and plump/ stuck-in-the-80's with a never-fashionable-haircut/ slutty/ your moms/ vomit inducing could possibly think they look good?  But they do.  And you didn't stop it.  If you are on that site, fare thee well, there is no hope for you and you should be ashamed.  Everyone else, makes you think twice about saying "it's just wal-mart, who cares what I'm wearing."  Well I do and you should too!

Click here if you want to live!... or just cry a little

We all die. The goal isn't to live forever, the goal is to create something that will.”- Chuck Palahniuk... who is awesome!!!  But back to the subject at hand...

None of us, except the psychic, know our future.  We can work to mold it to our likings and hope for a Charlie-Sheen-Winning outcome.  It is important to remember that accidents can happen even to the pretty, and you may be doomed to forever walk the Earth with an insatiable hunger for baby brains (the zombie veal) and then have to settle for full-size people, all the while, losing bits of your own flesh to decomposition and "stray" bullets.  Is one of the above outfits what you want to wear whilst you do?

Picture this, perhaps it's a sunny day(who knows, your a zombie) and you are aimlessly shuffling thru the deserted streets of your former hometown.   Suddenly, you sense a disturbance in the force or somebody dropped something and behind you a group of survivors is pilfering thru the remains of a drug store.  You turn as quickly as you can with one foot and a stub and chase after those over-ripe-baby tasting morsels.  You wish you had working saliva glands so you could salivate over your hopefully preservative-rich meal (organic is not gonna work on this decaying bod, you gotta make it last!).  But they are not running.  Why aren't they running?  They are taking all the fun out of the chase.  If you had any memory left you would realize you are chasing your former family.  And they still love you.  And their last memory of you is now gonna be in that outfit.  Who wants to live after seeing that!!

If you had just taken the time to make yourself slightly presentable, you wouldn't be the ugliest zombie on the block.  Years from now, when the earth is repopulated by any alien species, your picture from peeps of wm is what they will have in their history books.  You will be the representation of our extinct culture and they will point, laugh and explain this is why the dinosaurs died off.

Even Stubbs put on a nice tie and his dancing shoes!
 I am not saying don your Sunday best when ever you get dressed, I 'm saying don't be a fool.  Other benefits to being a well dressed Zombie: other Zombies will take you seriously.  More importantly, you will always get the best meals.  Surprised by your wardrobe choice, a future feeding will hesitate, giving you all the time you need to strike!

Care should also be put into your nighttime ensemble.  Ever thought If my house were to catch on fire, my neighbors would see me in my outdated hip-hop tweety bird tee...? Not I.  I sleep naked... I mean, I don't own a tweety shirt.  We have no knowing if the zompoc is gonna strike our town while we slumber.  Snore, snore...CHOMP!!!! Aaaaaannnnnd yooooooooouuur weeeeeeaaaaariiing that!  You have learned nothing!  Go change!

Putrid beauty
"Mommy, when I die I want to be pretty!"*

 Yes, we all want to be loved for our brains and not judged on how we look, but that will never happen.  Tomorrow you may not only be dead but undead.  Make sure the rest of us are not gagging at more then your skin.  Take a little time to match your socks, wash your shirt, coordinate a flattering purse, belt and shoe combination.  Heck!  Even put a little deodorant on!  This could be your last application.  So more then ever darling's, stay pretty and prepare!

* Thank you Niki Fakhoori for the awesome pic!  It's custom bitches!!!!! 

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