Saturday, July 16, 2011

A Sticky Subject

If you are like anyone anywhere in a residence or a business, you probably have a roll of Duct Tape near by.  Whether you are a Mr. Fix-it (or Miss...) or just someone trying to keep the engine attached to their car, you have duct tape.  If you are a contractor, Martha Stewart or a serial killer. you have duct tape.  Especially if you are a serial killer, we know you have a few rolls!  I mean the possibilities are endless for you and c'mon!  We know you're not fixing pipes ( I swear, I told no one.)!Most importantly, you should have it in your handy-dandy, hopefully designer, bug-out-bag!
If you were born anytime after World War II and the inception of this crazy must-have, you know how beloved a product it is.  There are books dedicated to it's many applications.  It has evolved from the army green, water-proof Duck Tape, used to keep ammo dry, to the gray Duct Tape synonymous with home repair, to my favorite, neon and print varieties used for keeping things together while still having a good time.   Not only do they have different colors but different grades, including a nuclear grade "certified for low leachable halogens and sulfur."  If Duct tape is good enough for a nuclear power plant, it's good enough for me!  It's only fitting the next evolution would be ZomPoc Preparation.
But Kitty, what would I possibly need to tape a duck for?  Dinner?
What did ZomDuck ever do to you?... besides trying to eat your brains.

No!  You are a bad person!  Pay attention.  First, have you ever tried to bite duct tape? Not rip with your teeth, bite?  It is made of a "high tensile cloth and aggressive adhesive" which translates loosely into the English to mean mutha effin' strong, bitches! A couple layers wrapped around your wrist is a great defense.  Best part, with all these new colors you can make it match your outfit!!  Better yet,  why not make it your outfit?  If toddlers can make sneakers for Nike, you can make a new pair of cargo shorts out of duct tape.  This is especially beneficial if you have been without means to wash your clothes for a few long days.  I guarantee, you will finally have bunch proof panties.
Hang on guys!  This Duct Tape beauty is underage!

Next on the list, tying stuff up.  Weapons, zombies, living breathing attractive people.  You know, stuff.  You may find yourself in a position where you need to secure your belongings in a safe place.  Duct tape with it's weather-proof layer and mega adhesive is unquestionably your best option to prevent any unwanted movement.  It also works well to fashion yourself a nice zombie leash, if you are into keeping them like a pet.  Not to mention, if you find yourself crashing in a deserted residence and you wanna tie your mate to the bed for a little kinky one-on-one time, duct tape is a win.  Remember, 'get off me you crazy bitch' is just part of the role play.  Of course he thinks you're pretty!  If a hormone crazed man, embraced by the arms of passion can't break through the bonds of duct tape, I doubt a brain-dead decaying zombie will have better luck.  An extra layer here or there, with proper adherence might just save your life in the end.

So now you look like a handy-mans vision of Xena Warrior Princess, duct tape bra, wrist bands et al.  Wielding your machete and curling iron side by side with all the other survivors.  And my fine fellows, you have finally embraced your inner desire to be a robot man.  If only the hungry horde was hurling quarters and the random $5 bill at your metallic, hand-made tape hat instead of snapping jaws... Your dream of being a street entertainer would finally be realized!  Alas, there are competing robot-men at your side trying to get your cut.  Set yourself apart so you get all the quarters.  Start by customizing your weapons.  Grab that neon pink roll to wrap around your bladed weapons handle.  And my I also suggest, using it to mark any throwing knives, tomahawks or arrows that you need to retrieve.  Those buggers can be a bitch to find!  This will however alter the weight of the weapon so be sure to practice to accommodate for the difference.  Now learn how to make music with your hands.
I fix things good.

I may have forgotten to mention, duct tape is great for fixing things.  I feel that's obvious but just incase pretty is all you have going for you, I'll spell it out.  Tape holds things together.  Duct tape can also be used to fix a small leak or hold a bandage on your head.  You will also find, using this sticky wonder to write warning signs to other wandering warriors on walls will be easier then that trusty bic you carry. "Stay out!  This town is MINE" will be clear to every passer-by!
Now my pretties, go forth and pack!  Choose a suitable color or two and make sure this prodigious tape never leaves your side.  So as always my darling little gumdrops, stay pretty and prepare!

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