Sunday, July 31, 2011

Give Pieces A Chance

If you are like most people, you wish for the hungry brain eating horde of former living hobos to emerge from the dark shadows and prey upon your dimwitted unsuspecting boss... Or perhaps that prick that cut you off on the way to work because they were too busy chatting about their erectile dysfunction to bother putting either the phone or the donut down.  Yes, you see the end as a new beginning.  Good riddance to stupidity and ugly!  We the elite, the ones who have hoped, dreamed and prepared for this day of reckoning shall have the power of first-dead picks!  The prophecy shall be fulfilled!  The dead shall walk and we shall reign supreme!!!  The APOCALYPSE IS NOW!!!!
Alas, we have been foiled again.
Bad driver
This winner is gonna make it!

For some very perplexing reason, those same bastards who we constantly mull over their ability to exist, will manage to survive.  How? They did nothing to prepare for this day.  You may find your self asking how is that asshat blocking the grocers aisle with their twenty kids barely 9 months apart so they can compare the nutritional benefits of the orange kool-aid to the grape allowed to live.  In fact you probably question this often for many special people.  You have probably laid awake for countless nights baffled over the very same question.  We are the finest evolution has to offer and it is obviously threatened by our awesometude.  Therefore, that douche at the top of your street that lets it's dog crap in your yard will be the only other person in your neighborhood to survive.
If this is natural selection obviously nature wants us to fail.
Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, my pretties.  Somehow, it is always those we hate the most that get off easy.  That is why we hate them the most.  But we are all civilized zombie hunters here.  I'm sure we can all get along...

Grinds my gears
You know what Grinds My Gears?  YOU ROY!  
Let's look at the zombies.
You will see within your roaming horde a vast collection of different people, side by side, unanimously craving brains and an appetizer of tender flesh.  The republicans and the democrats.  The muslims and the jews.  Hippies and gun-totting rednecks.  Together!  Their differences aside.  Our decaying friends have joined together for one cause- your thought muscle!  No politics, cliches, or even sport team rivalries, just brains!  Delicious, juicy brains!

I implore you dearest future survivors!  Don't be so rash to chop your nemesis to pieces.  Resist the urge to make a zombie bread-crumb trail with their severed pieces leading to a 15ft  deep zombie pit.  You're being ridiculous!  I cannot argue with the joy brought on by a zombie pit.  It would be a great way to hold them while you leisurely pick them off one by one.  Or even save them for the Zombie Olympics!  But it's an awful thing to do!  Do you have any idea how long it would take to dig a pit that big?  Like you just have an excavator lying around...  Not to mention the sweating and all the filth!  Really, a fully accidental hunting accident would be a much better way to accidentally have an accident.  Nemesis be gone!  By accident, of course.
Zombie map

Now is the time to smile and nod.  Know that soon when the dead walk, our current law enforcement will not be an issue when dealing with problems. Believe me, I regularly call to get the reminder our state does NOT allow conjugal visits.  This alone has kept me from many a felony.  It's important to have your priorities in order.   You may want to be in prison when hell is unleashed... I would rather take one over after.  Why not extend an olive branch to your current adversary and offer them a non-poisonous meatloaf.  Later when the time is right, you can steal their canned goods and feed them to the undead.  Just be patient my darlings.  So until we may exact our revenge upon our unsuspecting foe, stay pretty and prepare!

1 comment:

  1. I studied that 'very realistic map' in high school. It hasn't changed one bit!