Sunday, August 21, 2011

I Heart Nice People

Everyone look to your left.  Now look to your right.  If there is anyone sitting to either side of you, you probably don't like them.  If you are like me, you didn't check because nobody tells me what to do.  if you are alone, congratulations on the happiness you achieved through peace and quiet.  I envy you.  Any persons near to you and not by your choosing would corrupt that calm with incessant rambling on how your brain is squirrel sized and your mother should have swallowed you.  Why?  Because there are a lot of mean people in this non-zombified world.  That is why the virus should be unleashed upon mankind.  I believe Francine Smith(American Dad) described the mass populace best when she said "Stan, you have the undeserved ego of Jeremy Piven, the annoying self-righteousness of Sean Penn, and the unbearable hypocrisy of Rush Limbaugh. What I'm trying to say is, you're almost as bad a person as Rachael Ray."
Does this really need a caption?

Recently, I received a very kind gesture from a stranger.  I was suddenly filled with this uneasy sense of euphoric bliss!  I felt like a little baby with a poop filled diaper and an extra large pixie stick.  I was so happy, I pinged off the walls without a care in the world.  Perhaps, there really is an inkling of hope for humanity...  Perhaps!! So this got my "squirrel sized brain" thinking, what would life be like if my mother had swallowed me?  Then I thought, what the hell happened to manners? Why are peeps so fraking rude to each other?  Unfortunately, courtesy is becoming an archaic past time.  We are on the verge of a new life built upon the backs of reanimated corpses.  The very least we could do is rebuild with a mutual respect for each other.  I have a prostitute brother but when I call that man-ho I am polite and respectful.  I do not scoff and say "hey you, filthy craphole, I'm better than you!"  I say "hello hooker, thank you for finding a new corner to turn tricks."  Then he says " You're welcome sister.  Please tell the kids I say hi.  I hope you explode."  Such fine MANNERS!!!

Now how do these bits of forgotten etiquette apply in an undead world?  Lets look at some examples.
1. Please pass me more ammo
2. Please do something about your face.
3. Please don't use me as bait!  Rachael Ray has been stealing rations to stuff her fat face!  Please use her instead!
Wow wee zow wee!! So useful!
1. Thank you for not crapping in my corner of the tent again.  I didn't want to dream on a shit pillow.
2.  Thank you for cutting that zombies head off for me.  If not, this bite would be much worse!
3.  Wow, thank you for this delicious meat!  You said it was squirrel, right?  Yum!  I think I'll save a piece for Poopsie.                                      Anyone seen my dog?
But wait!  There's more!
1.  Pardon me, but you seem to have a bit of brain matter on your face.
2.  Excuse me, you've tracked mud and intestines all over the floor.  Would you please clean that up?
Did you catch that double whammy?  Let's use them all together in a dialogue with your former arch nemesis (former because with manners we've learned to be nice).
      You: Pardon me, R.R. I brought you this rusty coat hanger.  Please accept this as a gift.
      R.R.: Oh!  Why thank you!  I can't wait to han-
      You:  It's never too late.
      R.R.:  Whato?  Excuse me!?!
I think that went nicely...
Manners are a necessary part of evolution.  When the Caveman began asking the Cavewoman to come back to his cave, there was a drastic reduction in club related deaths.  Everybody wins!  When pirates ask "please hand over your booty and rum and no body gets hurt,"  there is potential for nobody to get hurt.  History has given us many great  well mannered instances.  When the European settlers politely asked the Native Americans to share their delicious turkey and ample land... Every General who most kindly asked for their opponents  complete and immediate surrender...  Actually, the more I think about it, manners are just a means to manipulate people into doing what you want.  In fact, that's exactly what it is!  Throw in a sugah, a sweetie pie or even a darling and people will have no control over their bodies as they comply to your every will.
If someone says "Oh sugah, could I please have your last powerbar?  I'm just famished darling and I would hate to have an accident with this here fire arm due to the case of the vapors I feel coming on!  Don't you think sweetie pie?" You give up your only powerbar.  Deny the request and risk being murdered over a tiny protein snack and looking like a giant dick.  Do you want to look like a giant dick???  85% of you will say no.  The other 15 have a stupid face and better hand over the snacks now.

For those of you planning to begin your global takeover after the zombie outbreak, please remember your manners.  It would greatly behoove you to add a few please and thank you's to your minion recruitment speech.  With potential leaders rising from the ashes all over, you are going to need an edge.  Oh the sweetness of hearing "Please hand over the damn compound, Mutha Sugah!" My heart palpitates with delight imagining that it's followed with "Thank you for leaving the weapons Sweetie Fuck!"  Goodness!  The etiquette of our new world will be the stuff of legends, or something. I suggest practicing these new words we rehearsed on the currently living.  Maybe the zompoc could wait just a bit longer!  Until then, stay pretty and prepare!

1 comment:

  1. Brilliant! "Oh the sweetness of hearing 'Please hand over the damn compound, Mutha Sugah!'" hahaha.