Saturday, August 13, 2011

Don't Bite Your Friends!

Have you ever wondered why bad guys wear leather?  It's because evil villainy is super sexy and villains in leather are even sexier.  If you put the Hamburglar in a leather outfit you would take him into a pervert's ice cream truck and do things to him.  Sexy sex things.  Just as long as he keeps his mask on.  And no kissing or eye contact.  For once, that Hamburglar would know what it feels like to be a stolen piece of meat.  I got your cheezburgahs right here baby!
Hamburglar is Mad Magazine guy?

All sexiness aside, leather is a strong ass monkey funker!  Studies done by squirrel scientists say it will last forever.  Those same squirrel scientists say leather makes a perfect nut sack.  Squirrels make great villains and villains do not go through many costume changes (with the exception of any female bosses).  That means this ensemble is going to be getting a lot of wear!   If you were gonna be stuck in one outfit day-in and day-out, wouldn't you want it to be durable AND bitching hot?  I know I would.  Aside from being stronger than a weight lifter at  a 1939 World's Fair, leather has an incredibly temperate adaptation ability.  It keeps you warm in the winter and is breathable and cool in the summer.  This is exactly why sweaty rockstars and fat bikers wear it too.  But most importantly, you can't bite through leather.  Show me a bad guy with a ripped leather outfit, and I'll show you the back of my hand for correcting me!  That makes this durable, all-weather fabric perfect for the end-of-days!!

You may be thinking this is a great opportunity to get that leather dominatrix outfit out of the closet and bring it into daily rotation.  A couple of things to consider first.  1.  Pleather is not leather.  It is also not a strong bite-proof and rip resistant fabric so don't be stupid.  2. If it is not covering your skin it will not protect your skin.  Why not save this outfit for your special sexy sex time with Mr. Hamburglar.  If you only wear it on special occasions it will mean more.
Sexy zombie
She could still be alive if she was wearing real leather.

Maybe you're not very villain-like or maybe you've been told you look ridiculous in leather.  Never fear my pretties!  There are other choices for you.   The good ol' stand by DENIM is an awesome choice.  A high quality denim is just as good at preventing dental imprints and a bit more cost effective.  Do not read this and think it's ok to rock out in jean from head to toe.  Jean shirts have NEVER, EVER been ok and will not protect you.  If it will not help you, you have no purpose to wear it.  I will have an itchy trigger finger for any one spotted wearing one.  Oooops!  I thought he was a zombie! You have to be completely brain dead to wear something that gawd-awful!
It should be mentioned, that we are assuming those putrid cadavers will only be biting and clawing.  Therefore, lacking any ability to wield weapons.  If you cannot bite through something, they cannot bite through it.  So feel free to gnaw on some corduroy.  Perhaps, sample your wardrobe.  As long as they don't come out shooting and swinging numchucks we should be a-okay!
Crazyass squirrel
Meet our fact checker, devoted/undead. 

If all else fails we always have the change of seasons to help us.   Winter will freeze the walkers and require us to layer up.  The added layers will make it nearly impossible to be bitten unless you are plain stupid.  In which case, why wait till winter?  Just offer yourself up as bait and save the rations for the pretty and intelligent.  Hope this has helped you select your Z-day wardrobe better. So as always stay pretty and prepare!

As a little bonus darlings, enjoy this song with an important life lesson:  Bite, bite, bite = no, no, no!

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