Saturday, August 6, 2011

It's Not OK to Eat Your Friends Purse Pooch

Gangs have existed since the beginning.  Adam and Eve were in a gang.  An apple-loving, snake-hating gang.  Jesus was always chillin' with his disciples.  This will later become the most beloved gang (without leather jackets ever)!  As humans, we are social creatures and we seek like minded individuals.  That's why villains have henchman.  What other reason would a person have to do the bidding of another if not for the good-job banana stickers?  Genghis Khan was known to sing lullabies' and feed his Mongolians beef when they had bad dreams.  This is the kind of camaraderie we desire.  But let's face it, making friends is hard.  Especially when you are a grown up.   Your life turns into a never ending pit of broken dreams as you trudge day-in/day-out to your dead-end job.  You pray to your bobble-head that there is one soul with something in common.  Your moment of glory comes when you find someone who likes the same type of bic pens.  YEAH!  You will be hangin' at the water cooler now!
Jesus gun
Join our gang kid or you could end up holy!

Oh the days of old!  How I long for the ease of grade school clicks...  This was the livings Friendustrial  Revolution.  If you couldn't make a friend during this golden age, you were already a zombie.   All that was necessary was to show up.
"I hate Ms. Perlstein!"
"Me too..."
" I like Smashing Pumpkins."
"ME TOO!  Let's be Best Friends Forever and make friendship bracelets out of colored string."
And just like that the Anti-Perlstein/Smashing Pumpkin click was formed.  Soon others with the same hatered of authority and love of grunge and alternative will gravitate to you.  In time, you will proudly rep your gang with a plaid shirt worn on the hips.  This will have no other purpose.  The kids who's parents bought their clothes at Gap will branch off and wear chunky v-neck sweaters.  I believe that when the little ticklish demon spawn rise from the flames to reanimate the dead, we will return to these times.

"Hi! Are you alive?"
"Yes.  Are you alive?"
" I think so... By golly, I do believe we should be friends!  Maybe one night when I'm lonely, lovers."
Bam!  The " we just survived the apocalypse" gang is now active!  Sure it lacks the flannels of old, but it will do.  It will do.
Since we will have less options for whom we friend (there will be no facebook in the end), it is important to be mindful of a few things. Their feelings...   former beliefs...  purse pooch...  That's right.  Purse Pooch.  Everyone knows how clingy dogs are to their pets.  And miniature little rat dogs are the worst!  They are so demanding and they use their shiesty little dog brain to trick people into doing their every deed.  The human, with their innate desire to join a gang, does so willingly and accepts their fate.  Not only accepts it, encourages it.  They let these toy poodles control them and then reward them with organic, gluten-free treats that cost more than your car.  Your new friend will have left her 90 year old grandmother to fend for herself against the flesh eaters so she could save their pooch.
You have a designer bag?  I have a designer dog

Obviously, the bond is great.  That pup has put you in a tough spot.  You may find yourself struggling to say something nice... especially if you are hungry.  Some things not to say:
"Are you saving that for later?"
" Left leg looks good!  I call dibs!"
" The fur is so soft... This will make great hat!"
Although I am certain this attachment to our pets is due to mind control, destroying it will most certainly end things with your new BFF.  So what if you haven't had a real meal in weeks?  A few more weeks won't kill ya!  It barks all the time?  Big deal!  I don't hear you complaining about that baby.  You wanna eat that too?!!   Oh, is it eating food you could be eating?  Stop being a selfish little bitch and learn to share!  You think the Coach bag it's carried in would be better used for supplies?  Obviously, you think someone else would be cleaning up the little paw prints tracked in everywhere.   No matter what, resist the urge.  Do not eat it!You could end up as zombie bait.  Not really where you want your friendship to lead...
IMG 0450
Do my bidding or I shall poop in your shoe... I also want snausages!

So no matter what marinades and sauces are presented to you, even if you get a nice seasoning salt or a dry rub, remember we all have little left to hold onto.  Do not eat your friends purse pooch.  It could be the straw that makes you another gang involved "incident". We must sacrifice our own rumbly in the tumbly for the greater good of gang relations.  So pack some milkbones in your bug-out-bag and stay pretty and prepare!

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