Wednesday, May 23, 2012

APOOPalypse How

Focus on food and shelter all you want but most people forget the most important thing:  where to poop.  Everybody poops.  Except for me.  But since you all insist upon releasing that vile eeeevil from your rump roast it must be dealt with.

The infamous fecal instructional, Everybody Poops, did not have a section for apocalyptic meadow muffins.  Since so many of you people feel the need to drop the kids at the pool so regularly we felt the need to provide the answers.  Again, since I do not bake bottom brownies I have enlisted the help of devoted/undead and our newest contributor, Sir Pent.

Sir Pent has done hours of research to ask the hard hitting questions.  This is the fiber your colon has been craving.  More exciting than a game of peek-a poop, devoted/undead and I will give you our helpful and professional answers.  Since I'm pretty, I'll be in purple.  Since devoted/undead is a putrid dookie dropper, he will be in brown.... or maybe green so you can read it.

1—Tell me, when you’re taking a salad, what is it that you expect from elimination—do you take a no-
nonsense, business-like approach to firing your mortar or is it more of a whimsical affair of fancy? Is it
appropriate to even let down your guard for the 5 seconds – 15 minutes necessary?  

Salad is for eating.  And eating that kind of salad is gross.  Pervert...  Hiding in the bathroom from my minions has often brought comfort to me.  I believe if I can withstand the pounding of their tiny fists and their whiny little moans I will be able to block out the moans of the undead.  This allowing me to drift into fanciful daydream of life with kittens and cookies.  Now if you are not allotted the luxury of an actual bathroom to do your business, I suggest you stay on full alert and make like a race horse: practice the prance n' poo and add a "to-go" flap on your camos.  

Long ago I took solemn vow to live an A.D.D.  (Attention Deficit Defecator) lifestyle. This means that time on the throne is reserved for staring into space or maybe wondering where that mole on your thigh came from. So yes, my fundamental belief is to take your guard down for as long as the shiny objects in the room are able to hold your attention; or heaven forbid the preferred poopery has a window allowing you to imagine evacuation in the great outdoors. Post-zompoc pooping fights this lifestyle and pretty much all that I believe in. Therefore I will have to adapt to a mortar fire approach. If I’m unable to adapt then I’ll be offering quite the shitty meal… get it? Poo jokes are funny.

2—What precautions are contained in your bug-out bags with regards to protecting your digestive
systems? No one wants to become a fecality—it’s an embarrassing death.  

My body is a well tuned, perfectly efficient machine.  I only have to will it to achieve perfection.  This allows more room in my b-o-b for things I really need... like wet naps.

Unlike my anti-pooping wife up there, I happen to think of toilet time as an enjoyable necessity. If they made a pill that allowed you to never sleep again I’d take it in a heartbeat so long as it didn’t affect my right to poo (they considered that when first making the U.S. Bill of Rights). After the dead rise you’ll probably never again feel that “rested satisfaction” of a worry free night of sleep. However, you WILL be able to feel that “I just made extra room for my internal organs-delight” from evacuating Tushtown. Fiber Oneshould market more to the doomsday preppers. They have a bar with 33% your daily fiber intake in something that doesn’t taste like cardboard. I’ll be packing a box or two of those in my bug-out-bag right next to my ammo and duct tape. The wet naps aren’t a concern since Kitty will pack enough of to steal.

Wet Naps are not for sharing.  They are for hoarding and trading for ammo and chocolate.  I look forward to delicately dabbing the sweat off my bossom with a moist towelette while you add some nuts to the berries.

I'm glad your primary concern after the end of days will be a case of "the vapors". You're lucky your so damn cute and can get away with it. The question is, will you be willing to share or risk your partner in survival/destruction becoming a fecality? It doesn't matter because you just revealed that ammo and chocolate are priorities. Now I know what to horde so that I can get my way... the apocalypse is going to be GREAT!

You are lucky I need you...
Replace Diamond with Ammo/Chocolate - she'll still pretty much have to!

3—Tell me about your plans for on-the-go sanitation versus those for a siege condition—how much
planning goes into poop? You don’t want to be lying on the ground with your knickers around your
ankles thinking “I could have prevented this”. 

As I mentioned before, I believe we will have to look for an "on the go" go method.  While you are all fretting on where to drop your chocolate easter eggs, I will have have to stand guard in disgust.  I suppose I'll also be looking for hand sanitizer while you look for a non poisonous leaf to dab the tears from the third eye.  

She does have a point with the leaves. Once the paper is gone you'll have to know the difference between ivy and poison ivy. She has an even better point with the hand sanitizer. Carrying soap operates under the assumption that you'll have water to use. However, if the dead are nipping at your nether regions while you're trying to make a deposit then you honestly shouldn't worry about washing your hands. That's something you can worry about right before eating or making sweet adrenaline-fueled lovin' to your pooping guard (I'm talking about me.. the rest of you can show appreciation for the person minding derriere-duty in your own way). Half of the zombies chasing you probably became infected because they didn't wash up right after defending themselves...... It's true - the "got bitten" thing is cover for poor hygiene. 

Also, let us not forget the black plague was also brought on by poor poop procedures.  We don't need to combat multiple plagues.  And there will be no entrance to the fun house if we don't have a clean ticketholder!  Nothing like grabbing them in the biscuit and finding out they have a little leftover surprise.

How can I follow that? Next question.

4—Are there any weapons you particularly favor for, erhem… stationary defense? 

 I recommend the crossbow.  Quiet, discrete and can be launched from a seated position.  I may not grow my own lawn sausages but I do water the plants.  Since I am also a sufferer of Paruresis (a nervous tinkler), being paranoid is part of the territory. The crossbow is perfect for my squatting-bush-meditation. 

I agree with the crossbow assessment. For a crossbow to be fully functional while in the midst of colon cannonballing, a time when you personally don't have much vertical flexibility, then it would have to be a pistol grip size. Pistol grip crossbows can still pack a good 80lbs of force - equal to that of the deuce that fell from you when startled into using the weapon while doing your business - and more than enough to punch through a skull at short range. Self cocking models enable you to load another bolt without using anything more than your upper arm strength. The action of loading another bolt will also aid what's going on downstairs (think of the times you have to grip the bathroom counter because releasing the krakken isn't going smoothly).

Not discussed in this post: floaters

5—How would you work poo into a tactical advantage? For example, zombies may not respond to poo
combat but it could be a useful way to scent-mark rival survivors.  

What an appalling idea!  To even suggest smearing it in the faces of our enemies and forcing it into their mouths is just unthinkable.  What kind of sick person would catapult flaming mudpies into their compound for fun?  Just despicable.  However, if I ever acquire a team of monkeys I will most definitely enlist their help for a screeching poo flinging attack.  On anybody or anything.  

First of all, he never said anything about forcing it into their mouths. When you say things like that I'm disturbed knowing I sleep next to you... while you're thinking about doing shockingly non-sexy things! But back to the original issue, I have no problem throwing my butt berries at a walking corpse. After all, they defy nature so why can't I defy decency? Then when my living enemies see zeds plastered in my paint they will no to not to go any farther. Then when I'm done I'll steal some wet naps and hand sanitizer from my wife, bring a looted dinner home and pretend like everything is normal. Can YOU think of a better way to deal with the end of the world?

First of all, your face.  Second, your fecal matter aka "butt berries"  share the same stank of the undead.  So, you flinging it upon their rotting bodies is like tossing eau de poo cologne solids at them.  Why would you shower them with putrid love?  Are you trying to fit in, have them choose you as their leader and rule the decaying kingdom?  Well done sir, well done... 

Can you think of a better way to beat the odds against a planet of undead?

I am now certain we have provided absolutely no help for your apocalyptic tush turbulence.  In short, clean yourself up, you filthy little bon bon baker and don't let your guard down.  Pack a wet nap and as always, stay pretty and prepare!

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