Monday, July 9, 2012

The "List"

Many of you have most likely noticed a slight obsession with exacting revenge upon my enemies... GUILTY!  I most certainly am.  It's no secret I'm not cheering for the living in this one.  I live day in and day out trying to crush the burning vendetta within my soul and appear happy/ well balanced.  But I can't.  Believe me I've tried.  There are just so many stupid people, I have no choice but to put them on "the list."  In fact, my number 2 reason for wanting a zombie apocalypse is to "cross" the names off.  Everyone loves crossing things off lists!  Ooooooh how I want to destroy them!  Dealing with vengeance is no different.  Just to prove that I am not completely bat-shit-crazy and this is all justified, here is an itty bitty glimpse at my list.  Don't worry your pretty little head off if you don't see your name.  This is just a small sample.

5. The lady who cut in front of me at sbarros in August 2007:  So there I was, being a cute and very pregnant lady who was also diabetically hungry just waiting to place my order.  Suddenly, out of the place immediately behind me, this whore decides to leave the line, walk around my child bearing girth, and step in front of me.  Seriously!  Who cuts in front of a pregnant woman?   So, first the stare began - not subtle at all, I might add.  I tried my hardest to breathe fire but nothing came forth due to the diabeetus cotton mouth and quickly dropping blood sugahs.  I ordered my food while attempting to shoot lasers from my eyes into her skull.  Unfortunately, our insurance didn't cover "laser glare" so since they were never installed and I was not born with the natural gift, my efforts were futile.  Finally, when I thought she may escape my wrath, I spoke up to comment how nice it was of her to cut in front of me.  "Oh! I didn't see you there" she says... "I'm a dirty trollop and I have crabs" she says... How the freakin poopnugget do you miss an amazingly adorable mother-to-be?!!  My wolverine claws had extended but my husband who had gone-somewhere-I-cannot-remember-and-it-doesn't-really-matter-anyway returned and saved her life.  He should of just let me cut the bitch.     

4.  My Husband for saving the life of the woman who cut in front of me at sbarros in August 2007:  You should have just let me cut the bitch.

3.  The Purple Block: This particular purple block has shown up in every room of our home and is always diving in front of me with hopes to make me trip and stumble and hurt my delicate feet. Oh purple block!  Why dost thou attack my feeties?  Why must you magically appear in every room?  How do you know where I will place my foot next?  Purple block... what did I ever do to you?  Oh, purple block! Oh purple block!  Nothing would please me more than including you in a lovely act of defenestration.  You... window... broken...  What am I talking about!?!  You can't talk.  You are an inanimate object that has no recollection of the time we spent.  Paris... Milan... the kitchen... the living room... they mean nothing to you.  You don't even remember them.  

Well, I do... I do.

2.  YOUR FACE!!!:  Sorry I don't know where that came from... really I just can't decide between Dora the Explorer, Justin Bieber and the guy who lives on the corner of our cul-de-sac.  Now those are some faces I want to punch!  Mainly the neighborhood jerkface.  Besides all the stupid, inconsiderate things he does, his voice makes me vomit.  Every time he speaks, goats cry and angels commit suicide. UGH!  I don't think it will sound any better as a zombie.  This one will be considered community service.  YOU'RE WELCOME COMMUNITY!  

1. Machael May:  Who is Machael May you ask?  A nobody really.  Just someone who drives me crazy.  Not to be confused with that TV host that put's her stupid, whore face on dog food and says ridiculous stuff like "yummo"  and "evoo."  Nope, M.M.  is someone completely different and just happens to drive me crazy.  No relation what so ever.

Machael May... nobody else.
It's not that Machael ever did anything to me.  She just exists.  Unfortunately since she lacks brains, she will never be devoured by a hungry horde.  This means I will have to lure her into a bear trap or a pit of Platypuses and hope her walrus face never escapes.  She just thinks she is sooooo perfect!  GAAAAACK!   You think a feast of venom is "delish?"  How about when they rip your skanky limbs to shreds and feed you your own intestines?  Is that still delish? Ugh....  And yes, snakes and spiders and deadly stuff (oh my)  can totally do all those things.

Not to be confused with Machael May.  This is not her.
Can't tell you how relieved I am to have this out in the open so you can totally understand where I'm coming from.  Talk about a load off my back, eh?  I often wonder if you or maybe your mom would understand why I feel this way.  After last night, I know she gets me.  Hope you do too.  Just have a few more names to add and a couple small countries to dominate. My man-meat husband tells me this posting is "court admissible".... Pssshhhtt. He's just upset that I didn't make him number 1 on he list!   Sharpen those knives and until next time, stay pretty and prepare!

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