Wednesday, August 22, 2012

I Am Not Prepared.

Did you know that if you put lipstick on in the dark, it will most likely end up on your forehead and butt?  Neither did I until we had a power outage.  I still don't know how.  This recent power outage was fine at first.  The sun hadn't fully set and I still had 50% power on my cell phone so I was good for at least a few more rounds of Words with Friends before things got bad.  It was only when I realized how unprepared we were that things got tense.  No working flashlights to be found, no matches or lighters at the ready, all accessible candles have already been burned down, no non-perishable snacks and we were dangerously low on vodka.  I'm a mutha funkin badass!  I needed to get it together.  First things first: panic.
You start seeing things when you don't have television.  This was in our bathroom.  Waiting.

After I finished my massive bowl of melting ice cream, we grabbed our weapons and peered into our neighbors homes to see if any one had turned yet.  That sounds much creepier than it actually was.  I had a knife.  Also less creepy.  It's a really cool big knife.  Sharp and stuff... and pretty.  The man-meat gathered ammo and I practiced my sound effects.  Even though I still believe "pew, pew, pew" is an acceptable zombie slicing soundtrack, I was corrected.  Compromise: "Pew-ya!"  With only 3999 other people in the dark and no storms, natural disasters or known paranormal activity, the only logical explanation was zombies.
You never know who is gonna turn on you come z-day...

Once the sun had fully set, I contemplated a bon fire in our living room.  It is after all, August in the south.  We may freeze in the summer lows of 85 degrees.  Plus, with the apocalypse approaching our door step, it was only a matter of time before the rest of the city burned.  May as well start here.  It would be fun.  Again, the manly man of the man things was all like "no."  So I sulked down the dark hallway to our dark bedroom to get some dark erasing candles.  Knife at the ready... PEW-YA!

Turns out, without light, I can't see a damn thing.  And quite frankly, I don't like it one bit but that is for another post....

After I returned empty handed, I contemplated boarding up the windows and moving the furniture in front of the doors.  Realizing I would have no where to sit and I would only make things darker, I left our future comfy defenders of the home where it was.  Perhaps seeing a walker first would be most wise, indeed... Instead I decided to finish the vodka so I could use the bottle to store water in.  Who knows if this really is the end of civilization as we know it?  What if that was the last time I'll have vodka?!?  What have I done?!?
Even Brandine can make moonshine... I can't.  I can't even wear those shorts.

No food, no water, no batteries, flashlights, cat food... can't eat skinny cats, can we... most importantly, no alcohol.  This is perfectly ok because we know how to survive.  WRONG!  I do not know how to make moonshine!  I can not start a fire rubbing two sticks together but I can most certainly punch someone and steal their lighter.  Remember:  Monkey Funkin Badass with a pretty knife.  So I can stab them after I steal their stuff.  PEW-YA!!
Roberto is gonna stab ya!  Don't call him crazy.  Pew-YA!

Eventually, our power returned to us without allowing a single zombie slaying opportunity.  Perhaps this was for the best.  I week later I still haven't found a working flashlight or even learned how to use a Keurig coffee maker without power.  I will say that I have located all regional liquor stores on our planned route to safety as well as any potential detours.  I have also stocked my cabinets with a few more precious bottles... to store water in, of course.  I may in fact be the most unprepared person ever but at least I have a pretty knife. Hope you all fare better than us so until you are forced to find a wifi hotspot and a solar charger for your laptop, stay pretty and prepare!... much better than I did.  PEW-YA!

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